Friday, August 11, 2006

The "Rules"

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
  1. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
  2. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
  3. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
  4. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
  5. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

However, despite all the "irritation" you give to me; i have still stood by THESE rules for others to abide by:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

  1. They live here. You don't.
  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are easier than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3 Are easier to train 4. Usually come when called 5. Never drive your car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children (but it is my opinion that you fix your animals so you're not faced with this heart-wrenching choice! IMO)


yay! have a good weekend everybody!

12 Comments:

Blogger Vicki's Vegan Vice said...

tk, you are sooo fabulously funny! i'm busting a gut right now & the best part is that all this is soo right on target!!!! :o)

9:25 AM  
Blogger Autumn said...

just stopping in to say hi...

i've been checking in just to busy to leave comments places :(

didn't want you to think i forgot about ya!

breast cancer? i think i missed something. but your safe so that's all that matters!

take care!

9:41 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

ooh sorry. i didn't write that! it was just emailed to me...but thanks for thinking i did! and mayb ei just could...but that's becuase for me too it's right on target.

Hi Autumn...i hope you're okay.

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'fur'niture is great! this was so hysterical. i'm going to have to send the link to this post to a bunch of my friends!

10:17 AM  
Blogger Dori said...

I absolutely love this. I was just thinking this morning as the kitten raced me to the bottem of the stairs that I really need to voice this issue and find out if it just our pets that do that OR all pets. Now I know. This is THE good chuckle of the day. You have a great weekend too.

10:17 AM  
Blogger pinknest said...

lol!! that list is the best thing ever. i especially like the "selling your children" part.

10:22 AM  
Blogger urban vegan said...

This was hilarious. I am going to post those tules for Bossa Nova to read.

11:09 AM  
Blogger whipcreamy said...

i don't have stairs in my apartment, but i swear that if i trip on my cat Bea one more time I'm gonna chase her into a corner!!!!! she is the cutest thing EVER, but she likes to just walk right in front of my legs....good post!

11:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was very funny. I loved it.

5:23 AM  
Blogger funwithyourfood said...

LMAO

That was great!

Teddy

11:13 AM  
Blogger funwithyourfood said...

I want to see your hair!

11:13 AM  
Blogger KleoPatra said...

I LOVE THIS POST!!!!!

8:02 PM  

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