Who the fuck am i....
I don’t know if turning 44 changed me internally or did I just mature at a reeeeally late date.
This blog will suck as most of my blogs suck because I don’t spend ANY time on them let alone all day, which I should to make an excellent blog. You know…let my ideas develop? This blog will be like all my other blogs…diarrhea of the thought chamber.
When I was younger, I was VERY creative. Very funny, very tricky, very hopeful, very clever; now…I’m like a shell of a human being…I should be trying to reinvent myself as you should do in your 40’s if you don’t meet your dreams. But was I always just kidding myself? Did I think too highly of my goals or was I just too lazy to try and reach them? Could I have reached them if I tried harder?* Was smarter? Or am I simply not destined? Is there such thing as destiny or do you really forge your own path? And if the latter is true then I’m back to *.
Anyway, I digress. Since I’ve been off my diet I’ve tried my drinking friend again. She sucks. She makes no sense, brings me no joy and is begging my belly to protrude again. But I’m trying. I’m trying to make her fun again. I went to a St. Patty’s day party, I drank alone while doing chores, and I’ve partied quietly with my best friend - all things I used to love doing…nothing. Boring. Pointless. Directionless.
And tonight I stopped by a local bar and ordered a “diet” drink and found myself praying that no one would talk to me. At a bar! Where I went to not be alone!!
So I’m skinny, I’m partying, I’m lonely, I’m lost and I’m uncreative. I’m spinning my wheels and trying to find crumbs of happiness. Kody’s about the only thing that can muster some joy. I’m thankful I have a job, I’m thankful I have options and I’m thankful I’m free; but Christ all mighty, why am I not joyful???
Where the fuck am I going and a better question?
Who
the fuck
am i?
This blog will suck as most of my blogs suck because I don’t spend ANY time on them let alone all day, which I should to make an excellent blog. You know…let my ideas develop? This blog will be like all my other blogs…diarrhea of the thought chamber.
When I was younger, I was VERY creative. Very funny, very tricky, very hopeful, very clever; now…I’m like a shell of a human being…I should be trying to reinvent myself as you should do in your 40’s if you don’t meet your dreams. But was I always just kidding myself? Did I think too highly of my goals or was I just too lazy to try and reach them? Could I have reached them if I tried harder?* Was smarter? Or am I simply not destined? Is there such thing as destiny or do you really forge your own path? And if the latter is true then I’m back to *.
Anyway, I digress. Since I’ve been off my diet I’ve tried my drinking friend again. She sucks. She makes no sense, brings me no joy and is begging my belly to protrude again. But I’m trying. I’m trying to make her fun again. I went to a St. Patty’s day party, I drank alone while doing chores, and I’ve partied quietly with my best friend - all things I used to love doing…nothing. Boring. Pointless. Directionless.
And tonight I stopped by a local bar and ordered a “diet” drink and found myself praying that no one would talk to me. At a bar! Where I went to not be alone!!
So I’m skinny, I’m partying, I’m lonely, I’m lost and I’m uncreative. I’m spinning my wheels and trying to find crumbs of happiness. Kody’s about the only thing that can muster some joy. I’m thankful I have a job, I’m thankful I have options and I’m thankful I’m free; but Christ all mighty, why am I not joyful???
Where the fuck am I going and a better question?
Who
the fuck
am i?
posted by Tanya Kristine at 6:44 PM
6 Comments:
You're my sister and you are all things wonderful to me. Don't get lost searching for the big things...it's the small things that really count Tanya. Collectively they make up what's true and real and satisfying.
oh for godsakes...haven't u figured out u will ask ur self that same question when ur 50,60,70 and by the time ur 75 u know that u don't know the answer to that question and don't care or are sooooo concerned about finding the answer...but realize it was the painful,boring,happy etc. jounery that quite smiply made up the totallity of who you are and that your happiness might have came in small or large nuggets in life but they arrived always at the right time.....now...go have a damn cocktail...enjoy yourself and all the pleasure that your life has given you!!!! love ya
jesus. way to let me grieve you beyotch. if thats you kathy, i'm coming to kick your ass. that'll give me some hope.
see, i told u life gives u little nuggets!!! lol
Can't really say it better than it's been said. Isn't it a relief to know that we don't have to strive for big lifetime accomplishments, but that when the need arises, we can count on each other to come through in a big way? And that really is what matters. So, get a good night's sleep, eat something you like to eat, do something you like to do (hike with Kody? Sing?). Hug your bro! Love ya, cuz (you, too, Pher!).
i have these moments too . . . they are what drive me to go out and try new things! jon will come home and find me in a "what am i doing with my life? i am miserable!" funk and within a week, i've signed up for a class, joined roller derby, gotten a new hobby or rearranged the furniture. just enough to "unstick" my life and let the energy get flowing again. perfect.
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