Thursday, June 02, 2005

Uh oh...

Okay so I just talked to my mother on the phone. She lives 800 miles away and she can still penetrate my life. She told me a story that took my breath away, but only because it was about me: don't think you'll be breathless. When I was a little girl of just six years old, we (me, my mother, my great aunt Agnes and Theresa) went to the mall in Massachusetts. I wanted to go somewhere within the mall and they wanted to go home. So at 6 years old, and not liking to be told what to do at this ripe age, must have said in my mind “No! I want to do this and so I will!” and I left. I left my safety net. I left my mother and my great aunt Theresa and Agnes standing there watching this 6 year old little girl take off. And apparently I left with no fear. My mom followed behind me, without me knowing, and she said I literally scared her. How odd, she thought, that a 6 year old would take off and never look back. And that’s been my problem ever since. I walk off a lot and I never look back. I leave lovers, friends, jobs, goals, joys, and dreams that I fear will never fulfill my "hole" or that emptiness that calls for something and I never look back. But I found this odd that this trait started as early as 6 years old??? I'm 39...! This age it's understandable...but at 6???

(by the way, i'm eating a veggie corn-dog and am suddenly excited at the prospect of the upcoming August California State Fair. No. I don't work for them and, also, we convinced them to never have elephant rides again...!)

So my Mom thinks i have a problem with letting people get close to me. And I do. Because love can really equal some mind-numbing pain. Are you with me here??

You know, I'd really love all my blogs to be hilarious. So funny they make people pee their pants but usually those that can make people laugh til they pee have stories that can make people cry.

This story, by no means, is a tear jerker but, boy, if i could just bend your ear...

Aaah...the joys of life...Can i really quit drinking and eating to slim down when food & drink provide me such easy, hopeful, non-judgemental and non-heartwrenching pleasure?

Stay tuned...

4 Comments:

Blogger tabitha jane said...

tough questions Tanya . . . good ones too.
when i die, i know i wont say to myself, "i wish i had eaten one more oreo cookie" or "man, a nice pint would be really good right now." instead, i will most likely want to be surrounded by my family and friends and wish that i had spent more time with them while i was alive. i think that is a small clue to the answers to these hard questions . . . what is fulfilling? relationships. connection. love. all else is meaningless. your loved ones will carry your spirit on in life. your food and drink will not remember you at all. (esp after you've poo'd it out!)

9:18 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

oh my...that made me laugh. and it was so tender up to that point!

True that, Tabitha...all the "good stuff" is temporary but it's a fix no less. probably why there's a HUGE drug & alcohol problem damn near everywhere. The trick is figuring out another way...it ain't easy.

I see we're not working again? do you think we need to go to a BA meeting?

9:26 AM  
Blogger Dena said...

Maybe that's the trick...not to let anyone get close and then there wouldn't be any pain. I'll give it a try. I'm so done with men and love. Know what I mean T.

1:07 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

Yes I do, D. that's why i called it mind-numbing. Don't you worry my lovely girlfriend, you'll swell with pride watching your daughter tonight and tomorrow we'll tie one on, jump on stage and sing Iiiii'm every womannnn, iiit's only meeeeeeeeeeee....fuuuukkers...yeah!

(i can so picture this)

1:18 PM  

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