la la laaaaaa

When you miss someone, it is literally a painful ache. A very deep, dull ache that nothing can soothe.

It’s been three weeks now but, believe it or not, i am getting a teeeeeeeeeeeny tiny bit better. I still have moments that absolutely take my breath away; but, I am learning to accept the current situation for whatever it is and as disturbing to me as it is (in more ways than just the obvious). I’m sad becuase i lost my best friend and i’m even sadder becuase i have realized that, although I said I am letting this go, I was not. And I’m not becuase i’m afraid to. I know when i do, it will be permanent and that is something i never wanted or imagined. That's what i'm afraid of...

Permanent. I’m sad again.

I try to remember, still, that it has only been 3 weeks. I’ve been so hard on myself through this grieving process. I get very frustrated because I just want to be OVER it so i can move on; but, it doesn’t work that way. On some days I just go through the motions, one foot in front of the other, to get through the day and some days, more lately, i get out and actually have a bit of fun.

Anyhoo, I don’t think I’ll write about this anymore becuase i don’t want to give it anymore attention than i have been. I find when I focus on it, i'm fucked. I’m very black & white that way and letting go to me is simply moving forward and never looking back. There’s nothing left there anyway....

On another note, Jack stole my move. I want the royalties to this episode!