Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Pay Dirt!

I didn't want to go to therapy yesterday; but, if you dno't give her 48 hours notice, you're fucked.  I had no plans last night anyway. 

I was already in a shitty mood from a new story i created in my head and she asked a few questions about that then asked "what was it like growing up?"  Bam!  Right to the heart of psycho 101.  I started to tell her a few stories that i've told a million times before but becuase i was already fragile, i just started to cry.  It was a weird cry because I don't cry over those stories anymore; i just usually tell them from a point of humor, anger or apathy. (see? i tear up writing about it)  But, at 45 and still with the same ol' problems, I started to see my achilles heel...

...the whole reason i can't have relationships of any kind.  the self-doubt, self-esteem, mistrust, unable to communicate, alcoholism, depression (gee...where does one sign up for me!)...Not that I'm blaming everything on that; but, it certainly made a difference in my life.  ever see well brought up kids?  Yes, they have some issues; but usually they're good people leading good lives with normal relationships.  and usually when you see someone all fucked up and you dig deep enough, you'll see why.

What worries me now is I realize i'm only at the tip of a small iceburg and can I get past that black hole? 
Jesus.  don't i look happy???