life on a sunday
sometimes i embarrass myself of the stuff i reveal on my blog. I really am such a "heart-on-my-sleeve" kinda girl.. but still.
today, i put my extra mattress on craigslist for someone less fortunate than me and that mattress is awesome. it's a Midnight Magic Dream Maker from Bassett and i love it. i've loved it for 20 years but my boyfriend does NOT love it and i dont' think i need to explain why.
the dip in the middle should be explanitory enough.
the Italians won the world cup. I was really excited and i don't know why. but being excited always feels good and i always look for ways to feel so.
my girlfriend found out her boyfriend who she should have left years go has a fling. they are broken up; but the fuck pretty much found the new girl about a day after. So now she feels pain. becuase who wouldn't? He'll never be good enough for her anyway so it's kind of bittersweet. honestly i'm glad because she deserves so much better anyway. and soon she'll see that too.
which brings me to the next point of she found a million dollar client in her real estate career that i wanted to start too! and i got JEALOUS! Jealous of my best friend who might make some great cash and some great cash in the future. A break she needs; she deserves... just shows how fallible i really am. i love her and yet i envy her. but that's me. i always feels so unimportant, inadequate, unworthy - that when others are successful it makes me feel every bit as unworthy and seemingly deservedly so. isn't that wierd? i love her; i just think most times i hate me.
I ask myself how i could be so bad? Why am i so sad and negative all the time? I mean i love animals! i care for them! i dont' eat them! i rescued Betsy!! she almost died and i saved her...why is that just not enough to make me love me? i'm giving away my Midnight Magic Dream Maker mattress to someone who's less fortunate than me and yet i still dont' feel worthy, i give money that i dont' have to help animal organizations succeed, i am considerate to most every entity i come across, i'm polite, i'm kind, i'm a listener, i give; but what do i do for me? I have the most kindest, forgivingness, lovingness boyfriend that i can't honor becuase of how much i despise being me...what is the answer?
I drink a drink for every time i feel bad and that's why i'm always drunk.
feel sorry for me? don't. i make my own bed...I just hope and pray it's the same one i just gave away...
today, i put my extra mattress on craigslist for someone less fortunate than me and that mattress is awesome. it's a Midnight Magic Dream Maker from Bassett and i love it. i've loved it for 20 years but my boyfriend does NOT love it and i dont' think i need to explain why.
the dip in the middle should be explanitory enough.
the Italians won the world cup. I was really excited and i don't know why. but being excited always feels good and i always look for ways to feel so.
my girlfriend found out her boyfriend who she should have left years go has a fling. they are broken up; but the fuck pretty much found the new girl about a day after. So now she feels pain. becuase who wouldn't? He'll never be good enough for her anyway so it's kind of bittersweet. honestly i'm glad because she deserves so much better anyway. and soon she'll see that too.
which brings me to the next point of she found a million dollar client in her real estate career that i wanted to start too! and i got JEALOUS! Jealous of my best friend who might make some great cash and some great cash in the future. A break she needs; she deserves... just shows how fallible i really am. i love her and yet i envy her. but that's me. i always feels so unimportant, inadequate, unworthy - that when others are successful it makes me feel every bit as unworthy and seemingly deservedly so. isn't that wierd? i love her; i just think most times i hate me.
I ask myself how i could be so bad? Why am i so sad and negative all the time? I mean i love animals! i care for them! i dont' eat them! i rescued Betsy!! she almost died and i saved her...why is that just not enough to make me love me? i'm giving away my Midnight Magic Dream Maker mattress to someone who's less fortunate than me and yet i still dont' feel worthy, i give money that i dont' have to help animal organizations succeed, i am considerate to most every entity i come across, i'm polite, i'm kind, i'm a listener, i give; but what do i do for me? I have the most kindest, forgivingness, lovingness boyfriend that i can't honor becuase of how much i despise being me...what is the answer?
I drink a drink for every time i feel bad and that's why i'm always drunk.
feel sorry for me? don't. i make my own bed...I just hope and pray it's the same one i just gave away...
posted by Tanya Kristine at 3:18 PM
20 Comments:
Oh, TK, i so know how you are feeling and what you are feeling!!! Sometimes it amazes me how we are so alike (except i don't drink alcohol) in so many ways! You validate my feelings and thoughts in so many ways... You are not a bad person in any way, shape or form, by the way! And i'm sorry about your girlfriend and her roving dude. I hate guys who cheat. I've been with them and had it done to me more than once and they SUCK SUCK SUCK. Hard.
Peace to you, kid.
poopie. i just wrote a great comment and blogger ate it.
my comment said something like this:
i think you are a wonderful person! in part because you are so honest about your faults. this is better than going through life thinking you are th shit (like my "infallable" boss).
what i think you need is to take some time off for honoring and loving yourself (not being selfish) but telling yourself you love you (what the bleep style) and stuff.
the best place to do this?
in portland with me!
crap. i jus typed a bunch too and blogger ate it!
what i said is i love you both. and i will come see you both. i will.
I think too many of us beat ourselves up about what we have not or should have done or who we think we should be and then self medicate those disconcerting thoughts away. Most of us have been there. Truth is you’re a damn fine person, take some time to love you for that. We love you, and Kody and Betsy love you lots too. Hugs and love to you TK!
I'm already looking forward to meeting you, TK, which will be like meeting myself!! :o)
Hope you have a great week!!! Really.
We love you,
Mattie 'n' K
(and all your friends!!)
I think we beat ourselves up for the things we think are our weaknesses, but we don't give ourselves enough credit for all of our wonderful qualities. I am so glad to have "met" you here and that u share your life with us...
My first boyfriend in high school was cheating on me behind my back, with a close friend for months and no one told me... Some guys are scum... But hopefully there will be someone good to take that guys place...
well, I think that writing down how you feel is a powerful first step toward healing. when you wrote this, you felt crappy and unlovable--even though intellectually, you know you are a good, caring wonderful person worthy of love. you can look back at this post anytime and see it for yourself.
your emotions just need time to catch up with your intellect. they will in time. don't ever beat yourself up--the world does enough of that, right? take it one day at a time.
(((hugs)))
I don't feel sorry for you, but I certainly empathize with you. I think the whole "loving ourself" thing is part of why we're here, in this life...
Finding inner peace is the ultimate "heaven on earth"..
I think you're honest with your feelings. It can be hard not to feel jealous.. .I think if people were honest they would admit to feeling the same way. I know I do... and it's something that I've come a long way in the last 5 years... it doesn't happen overnight.. but acknowledging it is the first step to changing those deep, dark places we all go within ourselves.
Hang in there, girl! You are in my thoughts!
you will??? when!??!
mac is coming up here in august . . . hooray! (remember him?)
awww...you guys are so great. don't you wish you could feel about yourself the way others feel about you? well...maybe not the way EVERYone feels but you know what i mean...
i'm "hungover" emotionally today.
i'm tired of reading all my stupid self-help and be positive books too.
fuck them. FUUUCK THEM!
I'm on a rollercoaster...some days i feel good and others i feel shit. bi-polar anyone?
I say have some jerk seitan, I just know it can help you feel better. I'd send you some if I could. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Sometimes i have envy fits and feel sorry for me pity days... darn it.
Matt, my boy, is a looker and he's learning how to cook, but he also has high functioning autism. He's been a handful with some issues. He will turn 18 this summer and we will be his legal guardian and conservator. I believe the best for his future, but we know he'll need our help for quite awhile.
Hang in there girl. I was once told by my hill billy grandma who raised seven drinking boys that "this too shall pass" concerning some challenges. Oddly enough six of those seven boys "passed" before she did.
I feel for your girlfriend. Glad you are her friend (even if you are having one of those green days). Now just start seeing green the other way, get through your real estate classes and go get you some of that dough. :)
Sometimes a matress that makes both people drift towards the middle can be fun. However, that was nice to give away your old mattress. I am sure someone will get some good use out of it.
Yell your friend she will be so much better off without someone like that. If it requires hard love ... tell her to picture the guy screwing the new girl. That ones works like a charm.
Thanks for stopping by my blog! Nice to meet you. Stop beating yourself up. I've just read quite a bit of your blog and you're a funny, intelligent, caring person. You have a lot to offer this world and good things do come your way. I could easily rattle off 5 great things about your life right now and I don't even know you. You had 20 great years with the Midnight Magic Dream Maker, you have Kody and Betsy, you have Kevin, a house, good look, and a lot of Blogger friends!
OH, TK! You'd have a problem if you DIDN'T feel guilty. Jealousy sucks, but it can't be helped. But you realize that it just ain't right, so you feel bad. It sucks, but it's called being human.
italians won the wcup
:-(( :'(
~a german/french football supporter :-)
damn! I'm gonna feel sorry for myself more often! look at all the love i get!
i'll figure it out. i have to. but i'm so glad i have this blog to have fun with people all over the country and to take me out of my own head once in a while and then sometimes for support. kinda cool, eh?
let me blog about something positive today.
The grand essentials to happiness in this life are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
- Joseph Addison
I just found this quote and decided to send it you way, .... After reading your blog I know you're good in the first two areas cause you just started another job (got more than enough to do), you've got something/one to love (your dog, the boyfriend).... and the real estate license is offering some hope for a multi million dollar account. Darn that ol' lottery... is that still a hope?
feel the same way mama. At least you have a boyfriend. :(
Post a Comment
<< Home