Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Crapola.

Well...it finally happened...I was shushed on jury duty.

SHUSHED!!! By my own jury buddy! In fact, some of the jurors are sure I'll be the reason for a mistrial. Hmph...What was I supposed to do? The witness wasn't answering the question properly! I know they're really just jealous because I call all the shots just before they happen.

Such as "Objection! blah blah blah"

I whisper "Over-ruled"

The judge says "Over-ruled"

"Objection, your Honor...blah, blah, blah...blah blah!"

I whisper "Counsel...rephrase that"

The judge says "Yes...right...counsel...why don't you rephrase that?"

I should've starred in the Catch Me if you Can movie...don't you agree? I could fake a judge's job EASY! Especially since I am a Judge Judy aficionado.

But sometimes they get mad because the lawyer will ask a question, someone will object and I really want to know the answer so when the judge over-rules, i make a success fist and whisper "yessss!!"



Yeah...maybe i will be the reason for a mistrial.

Anyway, after jury duty i went to Trader Joe's to do some shopping. I've been having a great day, i'm happy, chatty, successful, at my perfect weight, i love money, money loves me..you know...the usual..

So at the checkout, this older sophisticated woman in front of me is standing there like a useless blade of grass while her groceries pile up. "BAG YOUR GROCERIES YOU LAZY RICH FUCK!" I say gently under my breath. But of course, she never does. When the checker is done with her transaction, he yells after her "have a nice day!" and she says nothing.

So I say "you too!". He looks at me weird and says "you too, what?"

And you know, when you have to explain yourself, it's lame. But i did. And the reason i answered FOR her is i didn't want him to be embarrassed becuase you also know that when you say something to someone and they don't respond, you look like a 'tard. So i made a joke of it.

He starts ringing my stuff and I, being the happy Secret-loving, strong woman, bag my own groceries. for my benefit, for Trader joe's benefit AND for the others waiting in line.

Also in my cart, is my back pack.

"What's in that bag?" he asks me.

I'm thinking...what the hell is in that bag. And i respond with the typical stuff: weekly calendar, makeup, lunch bag, tampons..."You can look if you'd like" I offer, thinking I'm misreading this person and he's just making conversation.

But no...i'm mistaken. He unzips my back pack and rifles through it!! Tell me, sir...what was it that made you think I'm an unsteady criminal? Was it the basil i just bought? could it be the fuji apples? The oranges, the muffins, the granola bars??? What was it that made you feel compelled to see if i was ripping Trader Joe's OFF????

But even more upsetting to me, as the tears build in my eyes and my newfound confidence melts away, was...how will I survive if I have to stop shopping at Trader joes' based on another fucking principal i have...?

He made some mumbley comments and I blurted out "Well, it's not every day someone assumes I'm a criminal!" he made some excuses about not knowing store policies, he just had to check...blah, blah, blah...

Then he felt bad.

Which made me feel better. He apologized and said he should have never done that. No. You shouldn't have done that. This is East Sac, not the ghetto. I'm dressed appropriately, i have makeup on, I brushed my hair and I even brushed my teeth! So, you ARE right, Adam...but luckily you made me feel bad enough to come home and have a wound-licking cocktail!

so i thank you...

p.s. Here's what i made from the products I purchased at my arch-nemesis. A lovely vegan tofu, spinach, basil spread which i will eat for snacks at jury duty:

17 Comments:

Blogger fatwonkkid said...

If you want a mistrial, I suggest during questioning, if the witness isn't answering his/her question, you shoot out of your chair, point your finger at him/her and yell, "YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

that would be so cool! But, you might get one of those contempt for court dealys.

8:07 PM  
Blogger buffalodickdy said...

I stopped shopping a Sams' Club for the following reasons:
1. I refuse to pay an annual fee to shop and buy your stuff.
2. I dislike that other people can shop an hour earlier than me, when my money spends just like theirs.
3. I resent you checking my membership card when I come into your store when it doesn't even tell you I'm paid up or not.
4. I really dislike having you have to check my purchases against my receipt to make sure after all the other Bullsh*t you just put me through that I'm not a thief!

4:40 AM  
Blogger Michelle Ann said...

So, he didn't find the hootch you hid down your pants???

9:44 AM  
Blogger Sornie said...

You really should have thumped the kid upside the head with the bag of oranges. That would have set him straight.

9:53 AM  
Blogger Valerie said...

what a douche!

10:47 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" man, that would be priceless! you'd probably get your own show outa the deal, like the Anna Nicole judge did.

next time, you should really steal something..,just for the principle of the thing, ya know?

12:20 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

oh, and I forgot...that dip looks yummy...recipe maybe? :)

12:21 PM  
Blogger KleoPatra said...

i love when people think yer a criminal. it's so... i don't know, validating.

i hope you didn't cry from some guy's asinine way, but if you did, i certainly can understand.

ass.

9:26 PM  
Blogger Shananigans said...

Dude, WTF! You got some seriously messed up check out workers at the Sac-town TJ's. I've always found the ones at the places I shopped in LA and now in Madison to be very helpful, such as making beer suggestions based on the beer I'm buying. :)

If I were on a jury I'd want you as my co-juror, sounds like you keep it entertaining. Do you use silken or regular tofu in that dip? And most importantly, does it really have authentic “old-world” taste?

6:45 AM  
Blogger Vicki said...

TK, you tell a story like nobody else can. I adore your candor to no end. I would have been shocked at the nerve to go through your backpack!

8:59 AM  
Blogger Autumn said...

oh my god i can't believe you got your bag checked! that's funny, you know if you're on the other side of the story...

from one grocery bagger to another.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

I would SO want to serve jury duty with you! That would be FUN.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

the recipe is right beside the dish..ain't i smaht?

i have JUST logged on to my account...this jury duty does keep me busy. well that and being at work one day a week. I LOVE IT!

and i'm out the door. actaully came in late to work today...hahahah...i suck.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Dori said...

Wow, you have food posted. Looks like a yummy snack. I am glad the checker person felt bad, he should!

9:53 PM  
Blogger Urban Vegan said...

That spread looks great. Hey--this story will make great dinner conversation for years to come. Bsides, being a lawyer seems a tad boring, so at least you did a good deed, and gave them something to talk about.

5:13 PM  
Blogger pinknest said...

what?! why would the trader joe's checkout guy go through your bag?! that is preposterous.

anyway, your jury duty actions amuse me.

5:47 AM  
Blogger tabitha jane said...

you are the cutest juror ever!

sorry the trader joes guy was a weirdo . . . that's awkward.

5:03 PM  

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