Crapola.

Well...it finally happened...I was shushed on jury duty.

SHUSHED!!! By my own jury buddy! In fact, some of the jurors are sure I'll be the reason for a mistrial. Hmph...What was I supposed to do? The witness wasn't answering the question properly! I know they're really just jealous because I call all the shots just before they happen.

Such as "Objection! blah blah blah"

I whisper "Over-ruled"

The judge says "Over-ruled"

"Objection, your Honor...blah, blah, blah...blah blah!"

I whisper "Counsel...rephrase that"

The judge says "Yes...right...counsel...why don't you rephrase that?"

I should've starred in the Catch Me if you Can movie...don't you agree? I could fake a judge's job EASY! Especially since I am a Judge Judy aficionado.

But sometimes they get mad because the lawyer will ask a question, someone will object and I really want to know the answer so when the judge over-rules, i make a success fist and whisper "yessss!!"



Yeah...maybe i will be the reason for a mistrial.

Anyway, after jury duty i went to Trader Joe's to do some shopping. I've been having a great day, i'm happy, chatty, successful, at my perfect weight, i love money, money loves me..you know...the usual..

So at the checkout, this older sophisticated woman in front of me is standing there like a useless blade of grass while her groceries pile up. "BAG YOUR GROCERIES YOU LAZY RICH FUCK!" I say gently under my breath. But of course, she never does. When the checker is done with her transaction, he yells after her "have a nice day!" and she says nothing.

So I say "you too!". He looks at me weird and says "you too, what?"

And you know, when you have to explain yourself, it's lame. But i did. And the reason i answered FOR her is i didn't want him to be embarrassed becuase you also know that when you say something to someone and they don't respond, you look like a 'tard. So i made a joke of it.

He starts ringing my stuff and I, being the happy Secret-loving, strong woman, bag my own groceries. for my benefit, for Trader joe's benefit AND for the others waiting in line.

Also in my cart, is my back pack.

"What's in that bag?" he asks me.

I'm thinking...what the hell is in that bag. And i respond with the typical stuff: weekly calendar, makeup, lunch bag, tampons..."You can look if you'd like" I offer, thinking I'm misreading this person and he's just making conversation.

But no...i'm mistaken. He unzips my back pack and rifles through it!! Tell me, sir...what was it that made you think I'm an unsteady criminal? Was it the basil i just bought? could it be the fuji apples? The oranges, the muffins, the granola bars??? What was it that made you feel compelled to see if i was ripping Trader Joe's OFF????

But even more upsetting to me, as the tears build in my eyes and my newfound confidence melts away, was...how will I survive if I have to stop shopping at Trader joes' based on another fucking principal i have...?

He made some mumbley comments and I blurted out "Well, it's not every day someone assumes I'm a criminal!" he made some excuses about not knowing store policies, he just had to check...blah, blah, blah...

Then he felt bad.

Which made me feel better. He apologized and said he should have never done that. No. You shouldn't have done that. This is East Sac, not the ghetto. I'm dressed appropriately, i have makeup on, I brushed my hair and I even brushed my teeth! So, you ARE right, Adam...but luckily you made me feel bad enough to come home and have a wound-licking cocktail!

so i thank you...

p.s. Here's what i made from the products I purchased at my arch-nemesis. A lovely vegan tofu, spinach, basil spread which i will eat for snacks at jury duty: