Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A Raw Tuesday

Today was one of those days where you've reached a breaking point and you cry.

You don't just 'cry'...you sob. And you can't stop.

I'm depressed by my genetic nature (is that a correct phrase?). Actually bi-polar to be exact except I'm bi-polar 2. And not even the GOOD kind of bi-polar 2 where you get the amazing highs. I just got the amazing lows. Now i'm on medication and i'm pretty dog-gone normal. Sometimes i try to cry, but, after many attempts, just shrug my shoulders and move on with my life.

But not on Raw Tuesday.

On Raw Tuesday I cried. Hard. I won't go in to the details of my day yesterday and today but it sucked. I, again, realized I really hate working because it takes away from the stuff i want to do. Like have open heart surgery. (you get my point)

When i was on that cruise, i really felt free. The kind of freedom I'm always searching for and i sort of find on the weekends when i party. Becuase then i feel free too.

At 41, i've accepted this is probably my life: a state job (which i'm greatful for), being 20 pounds overweight, having difficulties with relationships, wanting more but accepting less, living paycheck to paycheck. and how sad is that, really?

What I'd really love to do is work with animals. Every day. Saving them, loving them, finding them homes or giving them happiness...will that pay my mortgage? Maybe. If i'd take the chance.

But that's another thing i'm learning to accept...i probably WON'T take that chance.

and how sad is that?

7 Comments:

Blogger doggybloggy said...

you cant swim if you dont jump in the water...

4:52 PM  
Blogger Valerie said...

so with you mama. I know every word you are saying. I'm the same exact way. People have said to me that I party and get wasted and silly so I don't have to deal with my "real life". It's true. I feel so free and carefree.

next time call me and I'll cry with you. :)

Love ya! (hugs)

8:23 PM  
Blogger Shananigans said...

Sorry you're having such a rough time. I feel 'ya sister, I wish every day could be a party cruise, but instead I just go to work and get on with my adult boring life. *big hugs*

8:45 AM  
Blogger buffalodickdy said...

You are not alone. I spent alot of my adult life being the Cruise Director for the planet Earth, until I just couldn't do it anymore. It was a good way to escape and cope with some of the pressures we all have-until the old bod said "No Mas!" Age makes you look at the "shouldas" and the "couldas" in your life. I think we're meant to have moments of fun, happiness, and satisfaction- it's just not going to be all the time. Hope the meds do their magic!

3:54 PM  
Blogger Melody Polakow said...

I struggle with the same shit too..

It is hard to look at your life and see it so damn boring, day in and day out. I have so much passion, but can't seem to make a decent buck at what I love to do.

Here's hoping!

9:14 AM  
Blogger urban vegan said...

(((hugs)))) TK

Don't be so hard on yourself--and please don't ever settle. You're only 41--far from dead, girl! {Take it from a senior citizen 42 year old.]

You can't change everything at once, but make a teeny change you can accomplish--work to lose 2 lbs (not 2). Or volunteer at an animal shelter--you never know what will happen! Or try for one hour--and just for one hour--accepting more and wanting less.

You are such a good, caring, funny person, babe--and you deserve to send yourself much nicer messages than you are sending yourself right now.

6:02 PM  
Blogger tabitha jane said...

you and i have a lot in common. i have days where jon will come home and find me just sitting there sobbing. i think its the irish in me.
i feel that working is a waste of time if i am not passionate about it and i LOVE having my time to myself so i can use it however i want. but then we are living paycheck to paycheck and stressing out about everything.

is there no happy middle ground?

9:14 AM  

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