Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Goodbye, Mother...

February 20th, 2008.

That's the day my mom died. Why am I blogging when instead I should be doing other things? Becuase I don't know what to do....

I'm numb, in shock, goofy, weepy, starey, ponderish...it's just a weird day. What i think i'll do is just type random thoughts for all the world to see because all the world reads my blog...(kidding)
My mom and i were never close. i was like stewie coming out of the womb; trying to find ways to kill my mother but unlike lois my mom was not a very loving mother. oh she was loving; but, there were strings attached. No not strings; ropes.

all my life i remember rebelling against her. i did drugs, i drank, i ran away, i had random relationships, i hated. i was the 6th of 6 children until we adopted Travis when i was 16. travis was another being in which my mom, i'm sure, hoped would be 'the one'. she wanted love so desperately - she was brilliant, manipulative, cutting, sharp, resourceful, angry, lost, etc....and all of her pain she transferred to her children. oh the story is so friggin deep i don't think blogger.com could handle all the words and frankly neither can i.

when i got the call that she died, a shock went through my body but i didnt cry. in fact, i cried more when i couldn't fix my computer than when i heard my mother passed away. maybe i just can't love. or maybe i can only love an entity that i know cannot betray me like Bear; my dog i lost in 2000 to where i cried so hard i got black eyes.

i tried to talk to her today like maybe she's just hanging around (pergatory? unfinished business?) but i didn't know what to say. all i could say was i should have loved you, but couldn't. I should miss you, but don't. I should cry, but can't.

what i do feel is weird, a little lost, a little brilliant, a little cutting, a little manipulative just like my mom...ugh. Maybe i don't miss my mom becuase i'm part of her. the part i don't like...maybe i should write a book titled "what to do when you never loved your mother"...I feel bad.

I'm sorry Mom...I'm sorry i was an awful child and an even awfuller teen. I'm sorry i didn't need you anymore when i left home and i'm sorry i was never there for you like you needed me to be...but i wasn't taught how.

I hope you're in peace whoever and where ever you are now...and when you find time, give Bear a hug for me.

20 Comments:

Blogger Michelle Ann said...

I swear we had the same mother...or at least the same relationship with our mothers. And like you, I felt completely conflicted by what would seem a complete indifference to her death. You and I lost our mothers long before they left this earth and what we mourn for is the reality that we can never change or make better a relationship that didn't exist.

I love you my dear friend. You are uniquely and wonderfully you...and much of that is seeded from our families; both the good and the bad.

3:45 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

i love you too michelle...if for nothing else than just for the comraderie that we share in our parents...i might borrow your mortabella dad some day for a simple connection of an unavailable parent.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Melody Polakow said...

My heart breaks for you.. I'm so sorry for your loss...

I think it has to be harder when the relationship has been so hard.... and I totally 100% get how hard that can be...

..sooo whatever you need to do or say or feel is OK... and there is no right way to feel right now. Allow yourself that... and let yourself feel everything from all the good to all the bad.

*hugs*...

4:54 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

Wow, I'm sorry about your mother...both for her passing and for the difficult relationship you had. I have a smiliar issue with my mother, still among the living, If I got the call today, I'm not sure how I would feel. But I believe that people reap what they sow, and if wholehearted grief isn't what you're feeling for her right now, then well, there's a good reason for that. Don't feel bad if you don't really mourn her passing. It takes more than just giving birth to make a mother.
Peace.....

2:22 AM  
Blogger doggybloggy said...

you made some wonderful statements and expressed sincere emotions about this event and while they are not the usual "feelings" people "usually" express they are still feelings and they are feelings that have touched me....

3:42 AM  
Blogger buffalodickdy said...

Tanya- my condolences... Sometimes you find out not everybody had a warm, close relationship with a parent.. Find something simple to be thankful for- like being here because she gave birth to you. Thoughts are with you today...

4:28 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

you guys are all wonderful. thank you for sharing yourselves with me. that really has got to be somewhat of what life is really about...

7:46 AM  
Blogger Candice said...

I am sorry about your mother.

I am not close with my mom at all. Never have been. I dont even know where she is. All i can remember was the last thing that she said to me, about 4 years ago. It was horrible.

I dont know if i would cry. it is fine to have the feelings that you have. we all have our own mess within our family. Its life. Not one family is perfect. if they seem like it, then there is something completely wrong.

Here is a big hug!

8:24 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

tanya...you always amaze me with your words...thanks for your thoughts...love, chris

10:54 AM  
Blogger tabitha jane said...

lots of love to you from me . . . families are strange and hard to understand. sometimes harder to love . . . and hudson says to wish kody luck on his surgery!

9:55 PM  
Blogger Travis said...

Tanya, you're not alone. You must know my relationship with mom was almost identical to yours.

Mom did adopt me for her own reasons. It's something I've had to deal with over the last few years. Now that I'm older and wiser, I was able to comprehend what she did and why she did them, hence why I hadn't spoken to her in years, but that's a story for my own blog heh.

I do want you to know, I feel the sameway. You're not a horrible person, or even a horrible daughter for feeling how you feel and reacting the way you react. All of us have had our own....unique relationship with mom.

If it's any comfort, I'm sure Bear was one of the first to greet mom, if for no other reason than to just run up to her and hear her say "ahhh fuck, it's the damn dog!" :)

3:20 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

Travis...you're so sweet. it's good to hear from you. i hope you're doing well! drop me an email and tell me what you've been doing! i miss you!

6:55 AM  
Blogger Urban Vegan said...

Oh honey, I am so, so very sorry for your loss. And it's not easy for you--having to sort out so many mixed feeling. You think you're "supposed to" feel a certain way, but you can only feel what you feel. Go ahead and feel it. It's not wrong to speak the truth.

Your situation sounds much like mine with my dad. We were never close-I raised myself afetr my mom died. He was never there for me. After he died a few years ago, I knew I would miss knowing he was alive. But frankly, my life did not change. I, like you, did not cry.

You were NOT an awful child. You were trying to get the attention you deserved, but you were not yet equipped with the words or psychology to express it.

Honey, be kind to yourself. You serve it. You deserve all the love and sweetness the world has to give. I hope your mom is at peace--and I hope you find peace, too.

XOXO
UV

9:03 AM  
Blogger pinknest said...

i'm sorry to hear about your mum and thanks for sharing that. families are a complicated thing, both a struggle and a support. we're here for you! pass the white russian, dahling. and best to kody and his cream of wheat.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Carrieā„¢ said...

TK, It's sad news when anyone you know dies. I have an messed up/mixed up family & a weird relationship with my own mother. (I can fill you in sometime when it's not near midnight and I have to work at 7am) It seems like alot of us here have less than ideal relationships with our parents. So you cried more for your dog than your mother. THAT'S OK!! Don't feel guilty & beat yourself up for not crying, loving or missing. Like everyone is saying, you feel what you feel and there's nothing wrong with that. You've got a lot of friends & people who care about you out here. If you need to ramble, drop me an e-mail, or if you need to talk, call me. I might not have great insight, but I sure can listen. XO

8:18 PM  
Blogger kathy said...

Hey Tanya, Mike sent me the link to your blog saying that you had some great stuff to say about how you feel about your Mom's death. I have to say that as her former daughter-in-law, I too, have mixed feelings about her death. My heart and thoughts have been sending you and your brothers lots of love and compassion as you all cope with the loss of someone who so complicated your lives. I was glad to see Travis and Chris both responded to your post. I loved seeing the pic of your Dad with Betty - thank god he found real happiness with her before he died (he deserved to live at least another hundred years with Betty for all the shit Irene put him through).

Glad to see Kody is recovering so well from his surgery. And you're right, there's nothing sadder than seeing one of those plastic cones around a dog's head - they only emphasize the really sad eyes!

Take care, and know that I am one of the many who are holding you close right now.

5:52 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

Hi kathy...it's so nice to hear from you. thank you for your thoughtful words. iknow you had a particulary hard time with my mom...as did everyone. lordy waht a woman eh??? glad i idnd't have to write the eulogy.

carrie i love you. thank you for being so there for me...so amazing the relationships you can develop on line!

and pinknest - you just rock. :) fix me dinner and that'll help my wounds heal.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Glitter said...

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you...

6:46 AM  
Blogger Vivacious Vegan said...

hugs hugs and more hugs to you my friend.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Assiah said...

Tanya,
Ginny sent me your blog address. I have never been to one before! WOW! To read comments from Travis (whom I have never met nor seen), Chris, and Mike's former wife was wonderful. Hope you are doing well. I feel I am still recovering from the "last smash from the grave". How mean.....I don't care what the legality was. Could she really think we were the kind of people who would contest her will??? Ah well, there can't be any more surprises.
Love to you,
Assiah

6:58 AM  

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