Here's to MEDIOCRITY!!!
Yesterday, I took Kody for a long walk in the Arden Park area. It's probably one of the lovliests of neighborhoods in this city; with an equal amount of old and new mansions and all with the most beautiful landscapes like ever. And we're not talking your typical Californian manicured lawn with not a leaf out of place, we're talking huge trees and wildflowers, carefully framed with stone fences or rustic wooden ones...trees that drape already shaded lawns; but, that create that awesome energetic feeling when it's green upon green upon green. The smells were so clean, the air was cool and I was listening to some awesome "coldplay"ish type music which, the combo of all senses, invokes that feeling that i'm just missing something. and something huge.
As tears built up in my eyes, I realized i'm just fooling myself. I'll never live in a house like that. I'll never leave my state job. I actually easily pictured myself retiring from that state job at 72 and dying at my retirement party. probably from drunken induced heart attack. Alone. With my dogs ashes on my fireplace; the only love I've really ever known. and revirginized due to the lack of good lovin' from a man over a period of 30 years.
God. I'm like my mother. I'm going to die like my mother! minus the drunk part. and the working part.
As sad as this all sounds, i'm a bit relieved. I no longer have to pray, pray, PRAY for a better life...and I no longer have to suffer the crushing defeat and realization that, once again, I shan't have these things. Hey! I no longer have to diet! The only pathetic part is i have to order larger pajama jeans!
So where does this leave me now? Well the same fucking place i was 30 years ago. and 20 years ago. and 10 years ago. and last week ago. who knew i was just average? I seem to be the last one to find this out...
Wow. My life is completely average trickled with unbelievable fun, like my Key West trip in August. And I do those things, even though i don't like traveling and, for this trip, am scared of traveling alone, to give my life that FEELING that I'm rich.
*sigh* Today I am on a rescue mission to rescue animals that have been neglected and mistreated. And in that moment, I will be happy. In that moment, I will be outside my lame-ass self and will be busy helping entities even less fortunate than myself. Weird. Something that sad will bring me joy.
Man my world is fucked up.
As tears built up in my eyes, I realized i'm just fooling myself. I'll never live in a house like that. I'll never leave my state job. I actually easily pictured myself retiring from that state job at 72 and dying at my retirement party. probably from drunken induced heart attack. Alone. With my dogs ashes on my fireplace; the only love I've really ever known. and revirginized due to the lack of good lovin' from a man over a period of 30 years.
God. I'm like my mother. I'm going to die like my mother! minus the drunk part. and the working part.
As sad as this all sounds, i'm a bit relieved. I no longer have to pray, pray, PRAY for a better life...and I no longer have to suffer the crushing defeat and realization that, once again, I shan't have these things. Hey! I no longer have to diet! The only pathetic part is i have to order larger pajama jeans!
So where does this leave me now? Well the same fucking place i was 30 years ago. and 20 years ago. and 10 years ago. and last week ago. who knew i was just average? I seem to be the last one to find this out...
Wow. My life is completely average trickled with unbelievable fun, like my Key West trip in August. And I do those things, even though i don't like traveling and, for this trip, am scared of traveling alone, to give my life that FEELING that I'm rich.
*sigh* Today I am on a rescue mission to rescue animals that have been neglected and mistreated. And in that moment, I will be happy. In that moment, I will be outside my lame-ass self and will be busy helping entities even less fortunate than myself. Weird. Something that sad will bring me joy.
Man my world is fucked up.
posted by Tanya Kristine at 9:14 AM
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