Sunday, August 07, 2011

Moving on...

I woke up at 1 this morning with the most dreaded and fearfullest realization. I know it to be true becuase i felt it in my heart. I've been terrified of this development for years and, if it's not here now, it will be shortly. And the devastation rolled over me like hot black tar and JUST as painful. And, as always, what comes with it is the familiar feeling of loss and emptiness and unworthiness. I don't know why this happens to me every single time. But I do know, I don't want it anymore. I have to move on and look forward to my new life and stop looking back over my shoulder. It's none of my business. My happiness is now my business and it's the only thing I can control.

One in the morning is an awful time anyway. It's dark and quiet and very lonely. I know better than to entertain thoughts at that hour. I climbed back in to bed and picked up one of my bargains from Borders; Catcher in the Rye. Then I felt stupid. This is a literary gem? I don't get it. I'm only 6 chapters in; but, this guy Holden (or the author) is terribly negative. Even I have more moments of joy than him! He hates everything and everyone. But I'll read the whole book and maybe the brilliance will unfold as the pages move left.

I'm getting kinda excited about my trip to Key West. I printed out my itinerary this morning and i'll call to ensure my convertible is going to be available when I arrive. I'm hoping this trip will be like Stella got her groove back, minus the 'groove'. I could use a week of pure unadulterated fun with people from all over the world. My main focus will be diving, sailing, snorkeling, paddling...basically anything in the water. Not much else to do on that island i'm afraid. I guess I won't be able to stay on my low-carb either since I plan on checking out some Cuban food. But that's long as I stay away from sugar; better than nothing.

I'll miss Kody pretty badly since he's aging by the day. Yesterday he tried so hard to get out the dog door to poop but didn't make it. Well, then 5 minutes later he was chasing a fly around the house like a 2 year old. He's confused. But I do think he got one. He was munching like he did...THAT could be senility though.

Today will be a day of meditation, cleaning and visiting with a friend. It will be another day dedicated to moving on...


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