Wednesday, November 09, 2011

I'm feeling poignant

...and I can thank my Trader Joe's vodka for that.

Janet was supposed to come over tonight to talk about Hawaii and I was kinda hoping she was because when i'm drinking, i'm vulnerable and I probably would have said "hell yes!!!" to the trip.

But she didn't and so now I waffle.  Surprisingly, I'm not "hell no!" either; but, my biggest concern (and guilt) is leaving Kody.  I know, in my heart, he doesn't have much longer with me and if me leaving causes him any stress that shortens his life, I cannot live with myself.  When i came back from florida, I swear he was years older.  He's not a momma's boy by any means, but deep down, and although he'd NEVER admit it, he really is. 

So maybe it's not so much about him as it is about me.  As it's always been...I anthropomorphise him to the friggin' max.  But, again, that seems to be about me as I really like to think he lives and dies for me.  It's my analogical reasoning.

Hm. Tomorrow i run.  I'll be tired, worn out, lonely, hungry, confused...but I'll run.  And like Tuesday, I'll run even though it hurts because pain is what I know.