Saturday, June 18, 2005

The 9 Minute Wedding

I really don't like weddings. Even worse? I don't like weddings when I'm not even friends with the bride or the groom. Why did I RSVP? And even more worser than that? I have to get dressed up and put on a dress that probably has moth holes by now. i have to put on some super-ass tight tights to suck in all the glory that i have below. I have to spend my hard-earned money on a gift and then I have to be reminded of the bride-less life I've led. Although at 39, i'm really not too much bothered by that fact seeings how most of the weddings I cried at 10 years prior are now divorced.

Whos crying now?

So I got the wedding time wrong too. It's 1:30; not 1:00. But on the invite they write "One Thirty". Who the hell can remember words? I'm a savant - I need numbers.

This wedding, lucky for me, is near the library so we checked out a couple of mags and sat in the bean bag chairs, passin' time. Kevin wants to surf the net. I wonder if you can surf porn at a library? I mean, who would want to but can you?

1:24. Time to go.

We find our seats and it really is beautiful out. Sunny, with big white billowy clouds and a nice breezey breeze...

This random woman has, no shit, golden yellow hair totally curled back like a super bad Farrah cut. And 70's clothes to boot.

I can pick out all the men that are the grooms brothers; that's how much they look alike.

I can pick out all the daughters of the bride - they all have the same body shape.

I can pick my nose.

1:30 - we rise. Words can't describe the scene so i won't bother. Yadda, yadda, yadda: it's 1:39. Hallelujah! A wedding in record time! Time to go...that's right; we left. I felt like Doug & Carrie from King of Queens doing something probably improper. Except Doug would be whining that there were cold cuts to be had. And I, very un-Carrie like, was whining that there was blue cake to be had.

I'm at the Apple store right now waiting for Kevin to pick out something for his daughter before she leaves for Europe. We're having lunch at the California Pizza Kitchen. I mean, why not? I've got my super support hose on...


Blogger Park Gnome said...

They were scuba pros
Now ultimate dive buddies
Best love metaphor

5:31 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

Hey! Look who it is!
It is the Haiku phantom
How lucky am I?

6:47 PM  
Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

I hate weddings. A couple of years ago I was supposed to go to one but I couldn't make it. I sent a gift along with another guest. It was a $75 vase (that's $61 US.) I never got a thank you card or a phone call. I never heard from the couple again. I'm still pissed.

4:01 AM  
Blogger PapaPeters said...

hmmm i like weddings they are more fun when your part of the wedding party and there are water guns involved

11:47 AM  
Blogger PapaPeters said...

Again I have to say I love your id photo tanya

11:49 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

aint that great pfc??? my girlfriend got taht for me becuase she said it is something i'd say and i often do that look down at a stain on my belly... :) inside it says "it's your birthday...wear your stripes."

CHG - send them a bag of Peppers poo...on fire, of course.

2:39 PM  
Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

Sounds perfect - a quickie!

CHG - same thing happened to a me a long time ago. Needless to say, I'm not friends with them anymore.

3:40 PM  
Blogger tabitha jane said...

you're right tanya, the wedding i went to this weekend was waaaaay more fun!
i will definately have to post about it, when i get the chance! (its finals week, so we'll see . . .)

when i was in europe, i was at an internet cafe and this guy was totally surfing for porn and staring at me at the same time . . . a little creepy i think.

12:57 PM  

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