Sunday, June 19, 2005

A new blog?

I want to create a new blog where I can be really honest. On this one I have to bite my tongue. Hide myself. Or change my demeanor. I shouldn't be angry or sad or depressed.

But I am angry, sad and depressed sometimes. What's scary is my co-workers read this (hey! just kidding - I really am so normal!) My friends read this (they know...they know). People who are super-funny and super-intelligent read this. (man, my grandiosity is in rare form today :) But when they read this they, most likely, will move on; cuz this ain't gonna be funny.

Although really, I like to be funny. It makes me feel good to make people laugh or even to laugh myself. In fact, I asked my doctor to give me something that makes me laugh often (and will also make me lose weight!!) but they won't. Prescription Speed apparently is no laughing matter. Bah humbug! Instead, they wanna give me something that might give me a disfiguring, life-threating rash. Although that's tempting, I'll stick with my alcohol that brings me the laughter, joy and perception that life is good. Unfortunately, it also destroys my brain cells and my fatty liver. That's kinda funny in itself: a sickness that's funny. HA! Isn't that the saddest irony?

Uh oh...I'm getting serious. What I really wanna do is cry because tomorrow is Monday. I HATE Mondays. But I also hate Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and partial Fridays; because, those days reminds me that I have to work to pay for this house and my credit cards I "accidentally" charged up and the beast I have to feed every day.

For christs sake; someone wins the lottery every Wednesday and Saturday...Why the fuck can't it be me? Oh God...I could travel, quit my job, save animals, work out 2 hours every day and be fit, drink the finest vodka in Russia to celebrate my adoption of all the homeless "subway" children, buy a sanctuary, and a condo overlooking Central Park, and one in Tahoe too. See? Like Costanza says "I believe in God for the bad stuff!" because He must not want me to be rich. So what if I die in 5 years from over-indulgence? Who cares? Should I just die in mediocre poorness over the next 30 years instead? Yeah...thanks God!

Now, now...don't tell me how much God really loves me because really He don't do shit. If He's there at all, then He's just there. So really it's not about me. Or you. Or the billions of animals that die alone in terror and isolation without a concept that they ARE important. Or the millions of people suffering at the hands of others...no, He doesn't do anything to intercept that. Which leads me to believe it's only a power. Not a person who feels or cares but just a constant energy. How scary is that to think you can't even pray to someone who's listening? It's just an energy. A constant. Not a being that cares...But no fear; when you die, you'll come back or re-energize as something..Because energy never dies...yay!

so now when I feel alone, I really am alone...Except for my Kody. But even HE would dump me for a ball..

I promise I'll be funnier tomorrow... but if you want to hear more...well don't ask, because I wont' tell..

yeah...I need to create another blog...

29 Comments:

Blogger Park Gnome said...

Don't need a new blog
Maybe a new strategy
Just invest in love

9:20 PM  
Blogger Senor Guano said...

Damn
That was a real downer.
Thanks Tanya

9:44 PM  
Blogger Mona said...

The thing about getting a new blog, is that you would no longer be whole. You would be compartmentalizing your funny, light side, and then your semi-dark, serious side. And we are very whole humans. You are certainly allowed to show all your sides and let others see all your sides. And then we all share and tell you that we completely understand all the questions and dreads and frustrations and loneliness that you're going through. COMPLETELY. However, if your reason is so that you do have the choice to show different sides to different people, then I can also understand that. That is your choice. I'm so sorry to hear about your thoughts right now. I do wish you all the best in facing the work week. Many thoughts to you.

11:26 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

Thanks Mona. you are multi-faceted like a brilliant diamond. obviously, from reading YOUR blog, one can easily tell that...

Mondays always do this to me. i need to quit my job.

6:15 AM  
Blogger Senor Guano said...

I almost called in sick today because of you latest post.
hmmmmm maybe tomorrow.

Mondays stink like moldy fruit.

8:14 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

i don't have to call in sick tomorrow...it's my RDO...ha!

maybe i'll look for another job.

8:23 AM  
Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

I totally know the feeling. If I won the lottery life would be much, much different.

10:00 AM  
Blogger tabitha jane said...

i created another blog for similar reasons. i felt that i needed a place where i could be more serious. i have considered merging both blogs so that i don't feel extremely two sided, but at the same time, i feel that if i did that, my more serious blog might loose its seriousness for me and i might just let it slide, you know?

also, i HATE sunday nights because of the fact that i remember that i have to go to work and waste 40 hours of my life every week sitting in an office! grrrr. . . . there has got to be a better way! that is why i am slaving away working 40 hours a week and going to school 5 nights a week to become a massage therapist. then i can take my life back, spend my time doing something i love and making the world a better place!

as for the whole "what is god?" question and "why doesn't he/she/it intervene in the horrible things in the world?" . . . i have been struggling with that for a while. it is so easy for all of my "christian" friends to give me their "sunday school" answers about stuff, but i don't buy the shallow, easy answer. so far, i understand that in order for "god" to be seen in the world, we need to be people of action and compassion. i think we need to be "god" in that whatever our understanding of a "god" is we should live that way. i mean, if people are always saying that god is so good and cares about people and doesn't want people to suffer, than we should do the same and act that way, otherwise nothing will ever get done to stop suffering, etc. so, in that light, tanya i think you are well on your way to being more "godly" than most of the christians that i know.

btw, i got the dvd you sent in the mail today! thanks! i can't wait until i have time to watch it!

12:50 PM  
Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

Hi TK,
I know you visit my blog soimetimes, which I always enjoy.
I had to move it and change the title and my nickname. I will explain in a post later. you can vist by clicking on my nickname veggiebabe4

1:02 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

that really is awesome that you're doing something else to change your life. i so admire that. i think alot about it but ultimately stay stuck. as one philosopher said I'm "afraid of my own light". it's easier to stay stuck and complain becuase you know what will happen next. They don't call it Comfort Zone for nuthin.

The God thing, yes...i'm with you. i used to be a christian but things didn't make sense to me. now i'm just spiritual but even taht gets hard sometimes. especially in THIS world!

did you ever see "what the &*%$#@ do we know"? Great movie...i need to watch it again i think.

I'm waiting with bated (baited? baded?) breath on your opinion of the movie...

1:02 PM  
Blogger tabitha jane said...

i haven't seen "what the bleep" yet, but i really want to! while you wait with bated (?) breath for my opinion, you should check out the book "city of god" by E L Doctorow. it is AMAZING! it asks all those god questions in a modern new york setting. i found it on my honeymoon and paid more attention to the book than my husband for the rest of the trip i think! (we were driving down the coast, stopping at used book stores along the way--that is our idea of romance. silly, i know).
anyway, it really is amazing!

1:15 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

Tabs: I will...thank you.

your poor hubby... : )

2:05 PM  
Blogger Bahee said...

Hey girly...it sounds like all of your sadness is rooted in this job that you dislike so much! I bet if you were doing something you love, your outlook on life might just be that much brighter. Life...it's a hard thing and I don't think we'll ever get definite answers. Tab is making her dreams come true, and I am hoping to do this as well (karaoke business) then why can't you? What is it that you dream of? What is is that would make you immensely happy? People might look down on me or think I'm nuts b/c I want to be a karaoke business owner; but their opinions are of no importance to me. I want to do what makes me happy! I want you to do what makes you happy! I want everyone to do what makes them happy!

2:13 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

so young and so smart. DAMN, i did it wrong!

I think i'll quit my job and move to tennessee and work at the elephant sanctuary. Kody would love the elephants...

I'll figure it out one of these days. i wish you could get paid blogging. i'd write better...

i'm a dot queen...i love them! they make my sentence linger...

2:19 PM  
Blogger Jaxe said...

I have the EXACT same issues. I want to write my private, personal things down on the blog, but I have (or will have) some RL friends / family / co-workers perhaps reading it. So I will have to tone it down. AAaaaargh. What to do! I may just spin off a totally anonymous blog named "pqraafoihnqnog" to put my dark side into writing. But until then, I guess we get to be shiny happy and scrubbed ;-0 Fucking yay!

PS - you take pics of "other people peeing" oh man! Nice to meet you, I like you already Aquarian!

2:23 PM  
Blogger tlbigdog said...

Another way to look at it is to look at most other jobs. Before my job now I had some shitty jobs. Sure landscaper sounded good but for just over minimum wage I dug ditches and raked cobblestone in the heat and wondered if i would be working when there was overcast.
That is just one shitty job.

We work in an air conditioned building and get to sit most of the time.
Your looking over the fence and the grass is greener but their world is much more shallow.
Look at your life from another angle. It may help.

2:23 PM  
Blogger tabitha jane said...

this quote below mentions god, so if anyone get's offended by reading things that mention god, go ahead and skip this one.

tanya, i thought of this quote as i was thinking about some things you wrote about changing careers and doing what you love and being in your comfort zone, etc.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are
inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small
doesn't serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest
the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some of us;
it is in all of us, in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates
others."

some attribute this quote to nelson mandela, some to marianne williamson . . . either way, it is pretty profound.

and i love to use ellipses too! ( . . . . )

2:48 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

ohmygod!!! That's the quote i was thinking of...

i think there's a halo light above your head! look up, look up!

you fucking rule! (is it rude to use a profanity before a compliment?)

3:02 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

Nelson Mandela...that's right. i remember reading that on my massage therapists wall...

oh my god. i just realized i got that from my massage therapist and YOU'RE GOING TO BE A MASSAGE THERAPIST.

Wow...no shit. wow.

3:05 PM  
Blogger Shananigans said...

I know the feeling. I spent just over a year in the restaurant/catering business as “lower management” (that means lots of work and responsibility, low pay and no benefits) and a job like that can just suck the life right out of you. I got used to crying through my morning shower most days because the thought of going to work was more than I could bear. It might be a really good time for you to reconsider what you’re doing for a living. For the first time in my life I actually kind of like my job and adore the people I work with, and somehow that makes all the other problems in life not so bad. Just a thought. Life is hard, but things can always get better. Sometimes a little perspective, self searching and brainstorming can really help. *HUGS*

4:49 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. Please come back.

4:55 PM  
Blogger ramblin' girl said...

hmmm... I agree with everyone that perhaps it's the job that needs to change... but just wanted to say that my dog would dump me for a ball, too.

7:32 PM  
Blogger Pecos Blue said...

Don't give up and start a new blogg. Just start a new post and be real you don't have to publish it, but maybe you will.

8:42 PM  
Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

its captain_howdy_girl btw

9:31 PM  
Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Hey, this post WAS funny in a couple of places.

And it's one of my favorites. I'll bet many of your readers identify with the substance of this post.

1:40 AM  
Blogger Mona said...

Tanya, thank you for your beautiful reply...and yes, it's true, you don't want some job to have this kind of affect on how you feel about yourself...best of luck in your decision and motivation to possibly find something new.

6:05 AM  
Blogger PapaPeters said...

Wow this seems to be your most popular post and thats saying alot. Hmm well I think the key is you asked hard questions that everyone confronts, I'd respond to some but might offend (am I cencoring myself yes!) It took me years to learn to process my thought before I just said them in an attempt not to crush the people around me. So I'll leave at this, I'm not Holy at least not enough, I hurt people I love and hate alike. I pray for compassion but my desire is to smash those in my way. My feelings are legitimate but not always true. Conclusion is I will try to make peace with everyone I can and ease suffering caused by myself and others, sin is present evil is real I have to fight mine before I can confront someone else's. Ryan

6:19 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

What a great way to wake up..really. (i know it's 9am but i have the day off so today i'll be in a GREAT mood!)

I have to say since i started my blog something inside me DID feel better. LIke it's a creative outlet (well..okay not ALWAYS creative) that i can share with other and see others creativity in action.

So true that: My life is flat. My job is flat. That makes me fat. flat, FLAT!

Hmm...really, thanks to all. I think it's kinda cool to know just chatting and reading with everyone here already made me feel better. ain't that cool???

xoxoxo (Kody's whining - he doesn't understand my fun sittnig at teh computer blogging so i have to take him running and tehn starbucks now...do they even serve coffee this late in the morning???)

8:58 AM  
Blogger tabitha jane said...

honey, starbucks serves coffee all day :)
enjoy an iced americano for me (or caramel macchiato!)

jealous that you have the day off. glad that we have "met" eachother! you challenge me to make my life better and improve myself everytime i read your blogs! you live with passion. that's what i want.

9:51 AM  

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