Wednesday, July 22, 2009

be forewarned...this ain't pretty. and it's all about me...isn't it always?

i am soooo depressed. i havne't felt this way in a long time. and it's funny when you DO feel this depressed, you look back over your life and wonder "What the hell was I ever happy about? I should always feel this way!"

I tried so hard to hold it together at work. Really. 2nd week and the "girl" that they hired is crying...I would blame them becuase they should have KNOWN i'd have PMS at some point. or did they think i was so old and scraggly that i'd passed menopause already?

That's one of my problems. i am the frumpiest person I know. i feel it on the inside and i look it on the outside. I dno't even get a professional pedicure! i do it myself with all-inclusive polish on my skin and smear lines. my hair looks like shit too. i buy my shirts from wal-mart becuase i'm out of my fun money and they're big & fat. like me. big & fat.

which brings me to my other problem. I am so fucking sick of trying to diet and not succeeding. when i was 30 pounds lighter ago, i was huge then! now, thanks to the stockton job, i gained another miserable 30 #s. but i'm tired of trying to lose this weight. it's almost crossed my mind to just say fuck it and get as fat as i want. then maybe i'll get my 15 minutes of fame and be on a documentary about Tanya's Journey - From Morbidly Obese to Obese. Wait...that brings me back to square one.

Which brings me to yet another issue...I blame my friends for having repeat problems; but, i have them too! Same ex issue, same work issue, same weight issue, same house cleaning issues, same self-esteem issues, same drinking problems, same loneliness problem, same wayward going no where problem...my GOD...does it ever stop? Only when you eat a tablespoon of salt. but i'm too chicken for suicide. (i know everyone will get stuck on the salt thing but FOCUS PEOPLE!!! IT'S ABOUT ME!!!) And i stay around mostly for Kody. I just don't have anymore dreams left so it feels that the rest of my life i'll just be truckin' along til i die. with some fun times in between. don't tell me that's life because tha'ts not life for me.

I've been abandoned by the one person i thought would never take that final step. but he did. and he had to. I was dreading this day. i knew it was coming but it's never here til it's here, you know? and now it's here. I have to close that book and actually move forward without him in my life...but he was there for NINE YEARS!

i had dreams...lots of them. when i was young, there was still plenty of time for them to evolve. now. not so much.

Well that sums up today. it was a shitty fucking day. but tomorrow, most likely, will come and i'll see what that brings. i'll muster up a grain of salts worth of hope and throw caution to the wind. i'm gonna guess no lottery winnings which really would solve all my problems. oh don't give me any bull that money doesn't buy you happiness becuase it does.

I'll end on one thing that made me happy today. i got to ride my bike home. i'm greatful i have that exercise routine back in my life. and today i took my time and cried most of the way...

you know another good thing in my life? When i cry, my eyelashes are beautiful...HA!


p.s. I know my life is good in comparison to the world; but, sometimes someones pain is thier pain.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Robin said...

Wish I could give you a big hug right now. IT's going to get okay and you will get through this. hahahaha, you could be like that big lady Ruby on television. I LOVE Ruby! Okay back to you. I think you might be having a midlife crisis. I'm not sure..but maybe.

For what it's worth...I care about you:-)

7:57 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

Thanks Robin...i love you too.

who's big ruby? and mid-life? rmemenber when john mayer sang " a quarter life crisis"...i had one of those too...

8:53 PM  
Blogger doggybloggy said...

I tried to help but you scoffed at me

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Robin said...

Ruby is morbidly obese lady that actually has a show on tv and is losing weight. She is the most delightful sweet southern gal from Savannah Georgia. So someone already beat you to your idea of eating everything and then losing weight...hope this doesn't push you over the edge.

11:50 PM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

hahahah....you know me.

gee DB..you sound just like my ex.

5:51 AM  
Anonymous Erika said...

I can sympathize with you. I almost always feel like life is passing me by. Life is painful and I just hope that there will be a reward in the end for being a good person. You sound like a good person. And I just want you to know that I care.

7:15 AM  
Blogger deb said...

even through all of my trials, i manage to hold on dearly to hope. that once through these obstacles and IF I remain true to myself, there is going to be a glorious outcome. Just like out of the dust of my depression in 95 came Megan. You'll make it because you care,you have passion and you are truly a dear and gorgeous girl.

9:11 AM  
Blogger Tanya Kristine said...

thanks everyone for your funny (you know me too well) and insightful comments. sometimes it's also nice to know you're not alone.

Erika? you're new....i have to know someone who understands!!

7:29 PM  
Blogger doggybloggy said...

good excuse to compare me to your 'ex' common problem with people who get broken up with...

9:32 PM  

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