Truth be told...

...i needed someone to talk to and the only person i felt would fit that mold was my brother. But you weren't there.

Love my anonymity

I used to love posting on Twitter for the anonymity of it all because no one EVER commented on my posts but a.) i forgot my password and b.) i hate elon musk.  i literally have NO ONE to talk to when i'm having serious issues, like right now.  But I know I've made my own bed.  I cut people out of my life, left and right and the few that i have left, are the ones I help. 

So now i'm on the verge of my 2nd nervous breakdown; my skin is erupting like Vesuvius and that means my whole system is out of whack. Physically and mentally.  It started with having to put my pellet stove back together.  The last piece...the LAST piece i knew would be the easiest and final part, was, in fact, complicated.  And that's when the avalanche started.  i have a lead-paint filled house with a legal binder on it, which means no renty, no remodely, no fucking nothing.  I was going to a restaurant today to apply for a job because i'm ready to quit the job i have because I HATE FUCKING WORKING! Not so much "hate" as I just can't fucking do it anymore.  That's why i retired from an unbelievable job at 50; fully medically vested, yes (i'm not stupid) but my salary went from masters degree high to high school drop out low. was it worth it?  can't say 'yes' can't say 'no'.  I was dying psychologically as i had been sloooowly for over 30 years. Millennials today?  So lackadaisical; they don't give a shit about whatever job they got. That would've been me had i been born in 2000.  but i dutifully followed the sheep protocol.  Get a job, work 5 days a week with 2 measly days off, leave your dogs and all your chores and any hopes and dreams behind cuz you gotta work for a fucking living!

I can't even believe i'm still alive, really.  I would most likely be gone if it wasn't for my dogs.  I could never leave them. even for the one prick ass I currently have.  But for certain not the one angel i also have.  what would become of the rest of their lives?  I can't risk that. 

I guess it's the ONE (and only) thing I really do love about myself ...the ability to love all my dogs as if they were the most perfectest of all beings.  In return, they have provided me with the only unconditional love I could've ever imagined.

Everything else?  You can fuck off.