Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Yup. Still hate my job!

I should call this blog "Oh my GOD will you shut the fuck up with the same story already!!" but i can''s called "Are you my mother?".

Kevin and i went to lunch today and i was bitchy on the way back to work can figure that part out. He says "Hey...just becuase you hate your job, don't take it out on me!"

Then my eyes watered. He was right...i hate my job and i hate everything around me becuase of it. And what really made my eyes water? Is i feel like I'm giving up. I don't even want to try anymore and THAT'S what's sad. I'll just stay at the state til my ass matches the size of my car, still single and retire making half of what i make now.

YEAH baby!!! don't that sound like the ideal dream you had when you were 10?? Who wanted to be a veterinarian or an archeologist?? Not me...i wanted to be a state worker and DIE in that job! dreams are coming true.

(subtle sarcasm, in case you were wondering)

So my lottery dream, that I spent the last 3 days thinking about, since it's at $199,000,000 (like an OBSCENE amount of money. I'm almost afraid to win) is as follows: Since time off is ALSO bad for me (read: drinking, sleeping, eating, robbing liquor stores...for the liquor) I thought "what would I do with all that money and all that time?"

Finally came up with a plan that would actually fulfill my spirit. I would buy the fattest RV, load Kody up and any one of my friends or all (via a payoff) and head to every animal sanctuary across the country eventually ending up back east to see my buddies. I pictured shoveling elephant shit for hours, building fences, loading hay in the feeder, ATV'ing them water and retiring to my fat RV to love Kody and blog about my awesome life that the Universe blessed me with. I really felt like that might be the answer! that THAT would bring me joy, a purpose, something to do that doesn't suck every day! And then i thought...whoa. could my alcoholism really BE related to unhappiness??? Becuase I couldn't picture getting drunk every other day (or every 3 days...sometimes i try).

But today i realized that there's something great about dreaming of a big lottery win and what your new life will be like and something bad. The bad being - you didn't win, you wake up and live Groundhog day. Again. The shittiest, suckiest, spirit-sappingest groundhog day.

But having hope, I checked my ticket tonight: $2. I spent 10.

Now i'm home drawing art on the wall with my feces...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Happy EARTH day!

Hmm...what will i do to celebrate? I think i'll ride my bike in and pick up cigarette butts around my building for lunch. yeah...sounds good.

Tuesday morning I got on my scale and wasn't surprised at what i saw. So yesterday I decided it's time to reel in fun Tanya and pull out boring on-a-diet-again Tanya. I started with a lemon water fast and amphetamines. yum. And with the aid of Phentermine i simply am not hungry. know what else I am? Happy. Like full on all over my body in my mind, happy. Not overly-drugged happy....becuase I only take 1/3 of the just felt normal. like probably what normal peole feel on an average basis.

I think my brain is very poorly wired. And what sucks about Phentermine, is if i take it two days in a row then i'm a bitch with a very short fuse and Lord knows I like to keep that Tanya reeled in too.

But, I am on the countdown to the carribean so I do need to watch what i eat and start a workout regime. I'm in the mood. nothing fancy, nothing rigid, just doing. Like Sunday's hike and this Saturdays Urban hike in the city. all good stuff....

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

sunday meetup hike

My brother and I went on a meetup hike in coloma sunday. It took a while to get started and i'm HIGHLY impatient but once we got going, it was all good.
Kody got to come too which makes it perfect for guilt today! (yes that's him leading the way)

Our halfway point was this freezing cold swimming spot which i was itchin to get in...kody, of course, didn't hesitate. He bugged the shit out anyone near the edge of the water to throw the stick. and not just a "um, excuse you mind throwing this for me because i love to chase sticks in to the water and retrieve them...thank you!" It was more like "HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO!!! HELLO!!!! I'M OVER HERE!!! HERE'S MY STICK!!!! I HAVE NO FUCKING THUMBS OR I'D THROW IT MYSELF SO CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR, OH SELFISH ONE, AND THROW THE DAMN STICK?!"

really...of course he didnt' say that but his barks did. It was VERY embarrassing. In fact, i told Chris i was totally ready to go because he was, at that point, acting very badly. His other "darling" trait is to dig in the sand and send dirt flying in to peoples drinks, hair, clothes...whatever is near.

But ain't he fucking adorable????

At the end of the hike, (actaully at the beginning of the hike) all i could think about was Poor Red's. i thought we were totally close but we were totally not; however, when i get that kind of thought in my head, it ain't goin nowhere. so we brought our carpool guy with us while we trekked to PR's. and like 8 others showed up!!! What a fun group!!!
my brother doing somthing gross in the back...
Anyway, this SAturday we're doing an Urban San Fran hike....THAT will be fun. can't bring kody tho : (
Speaking of Kody, i laughed at myself last night becuase i imaginarily high-fived myself when Kody walked around my room last night and settled on HIS bed instead of mine. He takes up 3/4's of my bed and i dont' do antyhing about it...the only sad thing is even when he's not on my bed, i still sleep on that 1/4 part becuase i'm used to it by now....

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I lied.

I like blogging. it's like the longest diary i've ever kept in my life. 2nd longest being 7 days.

Spring is coming and i still find myself spinning in circles. My friend gave me yet ANOTHER self-help book and, i swear, if i get ONE more message from the universe to meditate, i'm gonna poop my pants.

So i did. Meditate, i mean....

And today i listened to that "book" and it said you must be happy right now where you're at in your life in order to manifest more joy.

So today, at 4, with tomorrow being a furloughed Friday, I'm going to be 100% happy with where I'm at.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Goodbye Blogger...

I'm going to stop blogging now. facebook, sad to say, is muchmore up my alley since i only think in quippets.

if you're a facebook user, please send me your ID so i can add you!!!

Thursday, April 01, 2010

St. Maarten

Dena and I (and maybe Saaaallyyy!) are going to St. Maarten end of may. Here is where we're staying....

wow. I can't believe i'm doing it....FINALLY!!!!