Hiatus

I'm going on a hiatus for a while. I love everyone and will blog you when I return...

Om. Peace. Amen.

Clap on Clap off...

Bahee tagged me and i'm my favorite subject so here are my turn ons, and turn offs:

Turn ons:
money, the thought of having a lot and soon the day i have a lot
pure and unequivocal joy
iced grande soy mochas
stormy weather
a great movie/book/song
hot showers on freezing cold days
saturdays
squishy oreo cookies that have been dunked in non-hormonally treated milk ; )
Best friends
being in love

turn offs:
animal abuse of any kind
having to work for a living
pap smears (see earlier post)
new car prices
having credit card debt
squeezing in to too tight jeans
hot weather
Mondays, tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and partial Fridays
anxiety
feeling lost

okay. I tag Tabitha, Ryan, and Shananigans

The Poopie List

Since everyone loves poopie and the word poopie, May i present to you "The Poopie List":


GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. This is the poopie we all strive for. The Perfect Poopie.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

TMI

nothing like starting your day out with a little pap smear! YAY! "could you skooch just a little closer? ...a little more, more, mooooore...there!"

I think she wanted to wear my pooter on her nose.

I hate those things. Talk about being completely vunerable and experiencing humility, embarrassement and worry all at once. Crap! i forgot to shave! And i worked out and didn't have time to shower!!! Shit, shit, shit!

And why am i always so very cautious about letting my robe open? It's not like she didn't just see all my glory a few minutes ago.

I guess i'm just shy that way...

See? everyone was right...today IS a much better day....

title

i hate today more than i would hate getting a paper cut on my eyeball. odd, seeings how i got the greatest spiritual messages yesterday and i listened to Dr. Wayne Dyer this morning.

shows you how strong the dark forces are within me...you may call me Darth Tanya.

here's to hoping i have an attitude change tomorrow.

P.A.C.P.

I'm certain everyone has encountered a moronic driver with a cell phone attached to their ear. Am I the only one who makes a concerted effort to ensure i'm driving super good when i'm on my cell phone? such as paying special attention that I dont' think i'm the only person in the world on the road and don't display behaviors such as, driving 20 mph under the speed limit, or turning without realizing there are 15 cars behind you who have no idea what you're doing. Last night I was trying to 'zipper' in to the merging line and this woman behind me was speeding up to cut me off while attempting to make a call! I'm like "fuck you ass wipe" and i punch it (i know - i have road rage...what am i gonna do?). Turns out she didn't even need to be in that lane because she moved over to the far left to make a left! All becuase she was too busy trying to make a call....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!

i completely understand the 'shove your cell phone up your ass' bumper stickers.

Anyway, they say driving while messin' around with your cell phone is equal to driving drunk. so, since driving with your cell phone is not illegal, they should re-think those drunk driving laws...course DUI and talking on the phone might equate to being asleep at the wheel. that would not be good.

A letter to Bush

I'm not very political but even I understood this letter...

Dear President Bush:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, and Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, especially to all the people of the new country of Nuevo California. To sum up briefly: You get Texas and all the former slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole'
Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the Red States pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the weapons of mass destruction turn up, but we are no longer willing to spend our resources in this dubious battle. With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 93% of the artichoke production, 95% of America's export quality wines (don't count on serving California wines at state dinners, by the way - it's French for you from now on), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high-tech industry, most of the U.S. low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sisters schools, plus Amherst, Stanford, Berkeley, Caltech, and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of the Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. Additionally, 38% of those in Red States believe that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% believe that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and - hardest to grasp - 61% believe you are a person of deep moral conviction.

Sincerely,

Nuevo California

no title

This was on the site postsecret.blogspot.com



Hmmm...

on another note: i was laying on my side in bed the other night and my face was squishy so i lifted my head, pulled my skin back and put my head back on my pillow. I do this becuase my ex-boyfriend told me once about 10 years ago that he has to pull his skin back when he lays his head down so he won't get wrinkles pre-maturely. That made me think about all the little things people have told me in my life that i remember as if they told me yesterday:

my ex-sister-in-law told me she paints her toenails before she gets in teh shower so the shower water can take off any that ended up on her skin.
(so when i paint my toes, i always remember this)

she also yelled at me one time for putting a plate in the dishpan with food on it becuase why would she want to wash dishes in water that had food in it! (i always remember this when i'm rinsing my plates)

my dad told me if ever you go to bed drunk, put one foot on the floor so you don't get the spins...(uh...thanks dad! Why didn't you tell me about investing???)

My brother Chris once told me, while i was crying and in despair about how i just coudln't do it anymore - "Too bad! Get off the floor and do it anyway! Life is tough; but, you have to keep moving anyway" (I use that bit of info to this day)

my other brother Eric once told me the story of being in the back seat of his buddy's car and he put his hands behind his head and beat the back of the window, alternately, with his elbows so the driver would think he had a flat tire. (he's full of little tidbits like this...but for some reason, i remember this one the most)

a girl i used to waitress with got a boob job. I asked her what kind of guys she got attention from with those things and she said "The kind you don't want."
exactly...

Peng told me he loved me. I'll never forget that...

who, in YOUR life, said something you just always remember?

The Animal Place

My assignment and good deed for the weekend was to attend orientation at The Animal Place in Vacaville California. So we get up early so I can tend to my own animal by taking him to the park. Of course, first stop: Starbucks. Me first, you know…

On our way, the traffic looks dismal. Peng is spouting off words my virgin ears have never heard before, people are honking and the temperature is rising – crap. I hate city living sometimes. It’s crowded and invasive.

It takes us over an hour to reach our destination. The road up to The Animal Place is gravelly and quiet. All fields and “mountains” everywhere you look. Aaah…now THIS is living. Peng drops me off to go ride his bike and I’m greeted by a long-haired pony tailed young man. There are about 10 volunteers. 9 of them are women. Why is that? Anyway, we go through brief orientation about rattlesnakes, big animals scuffling, rattlesnakes, hot weather and rattlesnakes. I’m buying those knee-high boots before I go back. Blah blah blah..now we get to tour:

The first stop is 3 little pot-bellied pigs. They are around a year old and only about 20 to 40 pounds. However, when they reach the age of 3 or 4 they can shoot up to 200+ pounds. This is why most of them end up in shelters because they are no longer cute. Pigs are highly intelligent animals. More intelligent than dogs (my dog excluded). Here are the little ones and one of their butt.

Here are the more mature pigs. The Animal Place has about 5 of these pot bellies. They’re more grumpy and they chased off the little piggies, who were following us like puppy dogs. But this was one of the things we were warned about. Some times the larger pigs (about 600 pounds) challenge one another and you don’t want to be in the middle of that. Like they need to tell us we should ‘step back’. Helloooo?

Next stop: Bunny Barn. This place is full of semi-feral rabbits. They gave us lettuce to feed them but they really wouldn’t come near you. Some have been abused so they’re deathly afraid of big people. Sometimes, so am I…

Next stop: Chicken Shack. I love chickens. They’re sweet and non-obtrusive. They had turkeys that had escaped the dinner table in the nick of time but not before our society slices their beaks off with a hot blade. (think this doesn’t hurt them? Think about cutting your fingernail halfway down the nail bed…yeow) Poor thing has to scoop his food just to eat. why, why, why?

There were ducks too that were so sick when they arrived that they literally barfed corn up for days. These ducks were force fed by a tube shoved down their throats to cause their liver to expand 10 times their normal size just to make fois gras. Thankfully, this practice has been banned in 2012 but if I know the human nature they’ll figure out another way to swell these livers up.

And the chickens: the boiler chickens (the ones you typically eat) have been genetically modified to grow at an incredible rate that most of the rescued ones die at about a year old. They have heart attacks or their organs simply give out since it can’t keep up with the growth. In factory farms, they grow so fast that they’re slaughter at about 8 weeks old. A normal chick barely loses their feathers at this age but in the factory farms they’re bred to reach maturity quicker so society doesn’t have to wait for their meat or run out! God forbid!

Off to see the goats and pigs. All these goats came from abuse cases. One goat, Louise, had a leg so severely deformed that U.C. Davis declared it was unfixable. Over time though she would gently try to walk on it and eventually, a miracle made her leg practically normal. The sweet part of this story is goats tend to bond deeply and when the others would go out to the field they would never walk faster than Louise. And when they came back, they would wait for her. And they say animals have no feelings…Here's Louise:

The pigs are scary. They are huge and vocal. I rubbed one down with a block of ice because they have no sweat glands. Like elephants. That’s why they roll in the mud. Not because they’re dirty creatures but because they’re hot. Pigs in the slaughter houses are kept in crates so small they are unable to turn around or barely lay down. If you put a dog in one of these crates the world would cry abuse! But no one blinks an eye to the intelligent pig that has to live its life this way. This guy was lucky...
All of these animals, by the way, were headed for certain death. So the animals you see are ones that were spared.

I believe in my heart that most people would be sad if they saw behind the walls of a factory farm. Most people do have compassion for innocent beings. Most people would cry at the deplorable conditions these sentinel beings have to endure for their entire lives before meeting a horrific and frightening end. Most people don’t want to know about the little lamb or pig or calf that is laying in a dark corner, completely ignored and forgotten about by the world. But I have to believe most people do care. I just wish those same people could care enough to make a difference. Even if everyone cut down his or her meat consumption by 25% it would make a huge difference. You cannot go wrong being compassionate. You just can’t.

Ironically, The Animal Place shares a land border with the local beef farm. Since the tour ended early, I texted Peng and told him I’d walk down the long, windy, dirt road and meet him half way.

On the way down the road, I passed this beef farm. Under a large tree, were about 4 gentle cows, just lounging in the shade, trying to escape the heat. Not knowing that soon they’ll be heading to the place where they will not return.

Send your prayers to these four; they don’t have long…