Monday, November 26, 2012

ahh...doesn't life just keep going on?

About a year ago I remembered this story my co-worker, Dick*, told me as we were walking back from lunch.  He had heard about this young man, who, as a statistical major, sat down and charted out his life.  He charted his life from the beginning, to where he was then to where he projected he was going to be in the future and decided, based on the graphed information in front of him, that life would not be worth living.  So he killed himself.

Today at work, Dick and Ajax* were salivating over this girl in our building that had, out-of-nowhere, friended Dick on Facebook.  We all knew what that meant.  As both of them were giggling at the excitement of the new prospect and in between my witty retorts and self-justification, I found myself, predictably, sliding downward.  No idea where I was going but I’m familiar with that path anyway.  In her defense, she is beautiful.  She’s about 5’7, waist-length dark brown hair, fair skin, dark doe eyes, size 5ish…and she carries herself almost Audrey Hepburn style.  No airs; just completely comfortable in her own skin (strictly my observation).  I tried to quietly console myself that there’s no way I can, anymore, compete with a 28/29 year old chick, so it’s okay.  Til I found out she’s 40. 

I was jealous.  Jealous of her beauty, her elegance, her style, her magneticism…and then compared her traits to mine:  my shitty hair, my loss of elasticity, my burp-words, the lingering, stale smoke on my clothes,  stiff in most places and still 5 months pregnant.  Jesus!  How long have I been that way?
And ‘true’ to myself I answered:  ‘You’ve been this way a long time.  You try and try and try and try and try and try to change; but, you never do.’  But I do try.  I really DO try to change.  I just seem to always fall.  But, I get up and I vow that “this time it WILL be different.”  But it never is. 

So the story that Dick told me eventually made its way back in to my mind tonight and I had a better understanding of the young, statistical mans conclusion.  But I also had some questions.  I’m 46.  I KNOW life is hard but, at a younger age, I always thought it would get better.  How did he know his would not?  Was he well educated?  Did he come from a good family?  Did he come from a big family?  Did he live in the city or in a small town?  Was he an alcoholic?  Were his parents?   Did he see traits in himself that he knew would only get worse?  Was he worried about finding ‘the one’ or realizing there’s a possibility that might not happen?  And if it did, will it end in hot-poker-in-the-eye searing pain?  Jobs?  Money?  Children? Illness?  Foreclosures?  Hm?  Maybe he pondered about the laws of the universe.  Like the law of gravity.  There is NO doubt that the law of gravity is true; but, what about Karma?  Did he wonder that even if he did the best he could, gave it all he had and life still sucked…well…where would he be then?   What about God?  Did he wonder was there an end to his mean? Or could it possibly all be for nothing?
Then again, maybe he suffered from undiagnosed depression.   In my opinion, depression is probably one of the worst afflictions bestowed upon man because it haunts you; it teases you…it toys with your very existence.  And once in a while, it chooses to rip your soul out and then slyfully brings it back to you so you can enjoy the same game again, surprisingly unbeknownst to you.  Some days you can feel really good; but, on the days you feel really bad, it’s like the good days never existed.   

You know what I think the answer is?  It’s love.  It’s to love, to be loved, to be IN love, to fight for love because of that love.  If ever I thought there was a law of nature so true and so exact, it would be love.  Love is so powerful, so palatable; it’s undeniable.

And, honestly, if you don’t have love in your life, it’s really, quite simply…a life not worth living. 

*Names changed to protect those that hate when I tell stories about them