i did a funny

Today i did the parking thing, locked up my car and noticed the train was coming. so i took off my heavy back pack, held it in my left and proceeded to run to the ticket machine.

While i was running with my bulky backpack my pants were falling down. It was very difficult to keep bag steady and hold my pants up.

although i'm VERY greatful for this, it was embarrassing as all get out.

i allowed myself the worst day of my life yesterday. now it's only daisys and sunshine from here on out...

John Mayer

My girlfriend gave me a John Mayer CD about 8 years ago...Room For Squares. I told her it reminded me of my current love at the time. She wasn't too enthused which i thought was weird...who cares?? i'm in love with someone who may not be perfect for me but he made me happy at the time.

9 years later, he still makes me happy. unfortunately, as of today, we're not together; but, he really is a wonderful man. He was wonderful to me the last 97 months and he's still wonderful today.

My ex is the reason i had a meltdown Wednesday. He's always been there for me, but he actually put his foot down and said "no way" to reconciling. This was just so devastating to me and OH MY GOD...who fucking cares??? I always have a million thoughts about this relationship and the 500 others i had before him. sometimes i get tired of hearing mySELF talk.

My point is as I listen to this CD, I'm reminded of our earlier years. How much in love we were. The stuff between us was surmountable...how we had hope of developing in to a wonderful union. the beginning of discovering each other...

eventually we discovered too much and we parted ways.

but when i listen to this 9 year old CD, i remember the good times...the time we had hope, the time when we were in love. The time when i thought THIS was it....And while I listen to this CD, I am back in those days and i'm still in love...




back to you...

Debby

There are many funny things that Debby tells me that she doesn't see the humor in UNTIL she tells me.

One of the things was last night, she drank a big-ass bottle of wine, all by her lonesome. after a few drunken texts last night, she emails me this morning and says, verbatim "i fuckin hid my purse my keys and my cell phone from myself last night all in different locations. that was a fun hide and seek this morning."

Is that not the funniest thing ever? In my mind it is becuase, although we're sooo different, in times like these, we're identical twins. so simple, so stupid and so logical at the moment.

p.s. i've decided NOT to get my nose pierced...you guys are SO conservative!!! but the real reason is the pain...not worth it. botox pain; yes - nose piercing pain; no.

Bitch chopped my hair.

I LOVE my hairdresser; but, this is too short. I can barely get it in to a ponytail!!!

Why am i smiling? becuase i'm a moron.

the next day

today was a better day. even though i was hungover, it was worth it becuase yesterday was pretty cathartic for me.

I've developed a new plan and I plan on sticking to it or I'm going for that documentary i mentioned. : )

michelle came to sushi with me tonight and it felt good to be with humans instead of isolating here in my house with my doggies. with janet gone i pretty much realize i got no one! my frineds all have their weird committments that leave me out of the loop. That on top of just not wanting to be social...whatever.

anyway, blah, blah, blah....it's "friday" for me and tomorrow i'm getting my hair cut and i'm thinking of getting my nose pierced. unfortunately, i watched a half dozen youtubes of people getting their nose pierced and it looks AWFUL!!! i'm a WIMP when it comes to pain too...i have the lowest tolerance for pain than anyone else i've ever met. Debby, during childbirth, didn't scream once. I would have started screaming at 6 months and not stopped til my child was 18.

be forewarned...this ain't pretty. and it's all about me...isn't it always?

i am soooo depressed. i havne't felt this way in a long time. and it's funny when you DO feel this depressed, you look back over your life and wonder "What the hell was I ever happy about? I should always feel this way!"

I tried so hard to hold it together at work. Really. 2nd week and the "girl" that they hired is crying...I would blame them becuase they should have KNOWN i'd have PMS at some point. or did they think i was so old and scraggly that i'd passed menopause already?

That's one of my problems. i am the frumpiest person I know. i feel it on the inside and i look it on the outside. I dno't even get a professional pedicure! i do it myself with all-inclusive polish on my skin and smear lines. my hair looks like shit too. i buy my shirts from wal-mart becuase i'm out of my fun money and they're big & fat. like me. big & fat.

which brings me to my other problem. I am so fucking sick of trying to diet and not succeeding. when i was 30 pounds lighter ago, i was huge then! now, thanks to the stockton job, i gained another miserable 30 #s. but i'm tired of trying to lose this weight. it's almost crossed my mind to just say fuck it and get as fat as i want. then maybe i'll get my 15 minutes of fame and be on a documentary about Tanya's Journey - From Morbidly Obese to Obese. Wait...that brings me back to square one.

Which brings me to yet another issue...I blame my friends for having repeat problems; but, i have them too! Same ex issue, same work issue, same weight issue, same house cleaning issues, same self-esteem issues, same drinking problems, same loneliness problem, same wayward going no where problem...my GOD...does it ever stop? Only when you eat a tablespoon of salt. but i'm too chicken for suicide. (i know everyone will get stuck on the salt thing but FOCUS PEOPLE!!! IT'S ABOUT ME!!!) And i stay around mostly for Kody. I just don't have anymore dreams left so it feels that the rest of my life i'll just be truckin' along til i die. with some fun times in between. don't tell me that's life because tha'ts not life for me.

I've been abandoned by the one person i thought would never take that final step. but he did. and he had to. I was dreading this day. i knew it was coming but it's never here til it's here, you know? and now it's here. I have to close that book and actually move forward without him in my life...but he was there for NINE YEARS!

i had dreams...lots of them. when i was young, there was still plenty of time for them to evolve. now. not so much.

Well that sums up today. it was a shitty fucking day. but tomorrow, most likely, will come and i'll see what that brings. i'll muster up a grain of salts worth of hope and throw caution to the wind. i'm gonna guess no lottery winnings which really would solve all my problems. oh don't give me any bull that money doesn't buy you happiness becuase it does.

I'll end on one thing that made me happy today. i got to ride my bike home. i'm greatful i have that exercise routine back in my life. and today i took my time and cried most of the way...

you know another good thing in my life? When i cry, my eyelashes are beautiful...HA!


p.s. I know my life is good in comparison to the world; but, sometimes someones pain is thier pain.

Best. Eggplant. Parm. Ever.

this is probably my 4th time trying eggplant parm and still hating it; but ... being a good food sport, i tried it again. this time i followed Suzanne Somers' recipe and, AS USUAL, it was amazing!!!! Maybe eggplant, like tomatoes, only tastes good when homegrown. Or maybe it was the fact taht I fried the slices in peanut oil before creating the lasagna. whatever it was, I had it for breakfast too...

While I was making it, I invited my borhter over to share some, figuring i'd have to throw half of it away. now i'm bummed he did becuase i only have 1/4 of a pan left.

(Thanks for the side-note Chris)

I did save a bit of the eggplant for the grilling advice i got. that did sound good....

We went to see Harry Potter last night. The movie was great, the patrons were not. two people answered their cell phones during the movie and the kids behind us had the crinklyiest bags EVER and for some reason they needed to eat out of the never-ending bag through the whole movie. I'm VERY sensitive to irritating noises (a lovely trait inherited by my mother) so i half focused on that, half focused on the movie.

can't wait til it comes out in DVD.

My first delivery AND furlough friday

i've joined Farm Fresh to You. they deliver organic, hand-picked fresh fruits & veggies to your door. i chose twice a month. here's my first order:



Eggplant??? What the hell do i do with eggplant? and what are those yellowish peppers?

UPDATE:

Nice FF. had a massage and then laid by the pool fora few hours. off to make eggplant parm!

boring work subject

today marks my 3rd day and i've already been "shhh'd" by my boss. I know my friend Kelly is loud; but, am i? I guess so becuase while going over a project with two other people, my boss came in to my cube and asked us (meaning me) to tone it down. crap! i hate that! but i love that i'm boisterous because i was born that way. that excuses kelly too.

i rode my bike in tuesday and today. Tuesday's ride home was brutal. i could have SWORN it was 115 here in sacto but it was only 91. BUT, just after two days my belly has gone down one size. yay! and my ass hurts like there was no tomorrow but i'm creating muscle memory and my ass has WAY forgotten what it was like to ride.

And on my brutal rides home, i remember how lucky i am to even be able to ride. no more 2 hour drives to stockton. I figured out, all this extra weight is from stockton - i call it my stockton ponch.

So i've cut out sugar and when i drink, i drink wine and dont' eat til 2 hours after my last drink. a good compromise, i think. however, i did go to an AA meeting on Sunday and i think i'll go again this Sunday. it's kinda comforting and reminds me of the old days when i was disillusioned. with a hint of truth and familiarness. eh...i do love to drink.

I went to REI yesterday to buy new panniers and i had a 15% coupon. I had no idea how much the panniers i picked cost(ed) but figured it's worth it no matter what the price. when i got the register i was pleasantly surprised that originally they were 109.something. i handed the cashier a 15% coupon, she rang it in and said "okay...that'll be 176." I looked at her increduliously (huh?? you like that??) and said "what?" She said "What. It's 109 plus a 15% discount that comes to 176" For a split second i thought 'give me that coupon back!' but when i inquired further she meant $100. and 76 cents!....ahhhaha....we were both tired.

so i like my job. it's really hard, i'm kinda scared (i like to THINK i'm smart but don't usually put myself in positions to prove otherwise) but today, was a good day. i did good. tomorrow i've got more work that i have no idea what to do; but, i'm confident i'll figure it out.

i'm learning me.

My FIRST DAY!

I had to take a Lorazepam to make sure i'd sleep. i popped out of bed at 5am, said goodbye to my brother (he stayed the weekend), drank my coffee and leisurely got ready.

of COURSE i get a big fat cold sore yesterday as the result, i'm sure of the continual stress I've had over getting this job and some weird shit on the weekend so...pretty.

But i smiled aaaaall the way to work becuase i was on the train IN Sacramento heading downTOWN to sacramento. aaah...the smelly people, the oddballs, the no-seats: felt so good.

I work with ALL GUYS which is another yes yes for me. Since i'm mostly guy, I just fit in better that way. however, i will bring my gay plants and pictures to work to femmy myself up a bit but i did reveal that i could break windows with my burps. so there.

My boss looks oddly like Jimmy Fallon whom, since Fever Pitch, I ADORE and our Senior looks like John C. Reilly. Ha! I'm excited...they have a ton of super hard shit for me to do and i"m looking forward to actually a.) working and b.) working hard.

Take THAT, herpe!

Goodbye Stockton...

...and good riddance.

I offically NEVER have to go back to that horrid place again. So on my way home, I said my goodbyes to everything I saw every day for the last 8 months.

Goodbye sweet goats and sad dairy cows, goodbye chain link fences lined with razor wire, goodbye potential speeding tickets & carpool violations, goodbye high gas prices, goodbye procurement trailer and your occupants, goodbye lame project, goodbye 99 north & south, goodbye road rage and goodbye to depression.

I never thought I'd say this but Hello Sacramento...I think I love you...

Morning Glory!

My first one...she ain't pretty...but she's there : )

None of my tomatoes are blooming either. I blame this non-Sacramento type weather. Tomatoes love heat & sun. We've had sun, just not heat.

I STILL have not officially got the Sacramento job. it's a big hot mess and frankly, i'm sick of thinking about it. although the thought of staying in stockton will drive me near suicide. maybe i'll quit the state and move to alabama. i love that idea.

i have two dogs for 6 weeks. another suicidal situation. They're alraedy driving me nuts and it hasn't even been 24 hours.

i watched Fever Pitch the other night. twice. it was that cute.

boring.

Getting ready to watch Marley & Me

Update:

truth be told...I should have used a towel

i'm dramatic.

sue me.

I'm totally despondent and don't know what to do with myself. yes, yes..i'm self-absorbed. again, sue me.

i can't come over to sacramento becuase i work for the most inept department i could possibly work for. i've been back & forth screaming my head off to no avail...they're still dum-de-dum-de-dum....and we're getting another 5% paycut which equates to 15% of my salary, gone. i'm still greatful to be employed and it will be better if i'm in sacramento becuase i can save $200 in gas.

there's never a good time to quit drinking. ever. but i'm sucking down my lemonade as if i were partying.

I have the most beautiful red headed birds sitting on my cable wires outisde. i haven't seen the budgie in a few days and i'm worried. but i think he probably lived everyday in fear and stress anyway since all he's ever known was a cage. and at least he experienced his ability to fly before he died.

i wish i could experience that...

UPDATE:

I JUST SAW HIM!!! YAY!!!