Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A baby!

Janet and I were playing cards late last Saturday night. She felt the urge to see what Betsy was doing so she got up and went outside. Kody was laying on the carpet near the door; but, as soon as anyone goes out, he must go too.

All of a sudden I hear her yelling "Oh my GOD! Tanya...get the dogs, get the dogs outta here!"

Without knowing what the hell is going on I run out back to see Kody looking at me like 'what is her problem?!?' but, knowing she must know what she's talking about, I grab Kody by the scruff of his neck and drag him in. When I secured the dog door and got the dogs in, this is what she saw....
Awww... a little baby possum clinging on to one of Kody's shits. I gave Janet some garden gloves becuase I'm a BIG baby and i don't squoosh spiders or pick up baby rodents. She did and he went with no argument. However, he came for dinner and he wasn't leaving without it so off he went holding on to his big 'catch'.
Maybe I'm 'possum drive thru and he came for take out. hahahaha....oh i'm funny.
Anyway, we plopped him and kody's poo on top of the fence and I kept the doors locked all night to ensure he found his mommy.
I like to assume he did...

Monday, April 28, 2008

Growth. It ain't always good.

Janet came over the other day with flip flops. When I noticed something out of the bottom of my eye, I freaked out.

"Oh my God! Are you okay? Did you kick the side of a cabinet? Were you attacked by your cat? Is that a clot developing under your nail??"

No. It's called no pedicure since October 2007.

Thank God the solution is to GET a pedicure in 2008.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Is 10 the new fat?

Sheila is a funny girl. I love hanging out with her because she laughs at damn near EVERYTHING I say. And she tells me often that she'd rather be married to me than Bob.

We also have a few things in common like struggling with weight loss. I've been doing really good with my diet and exercise program and have lost 9 pounds. My ass has gone down at LEAST an inch. So I went up to the 17th floor in our building and stood in her cube, ahem-ing. She turned around and did her usual cooing when she sees me; but, did not respond the way I expected which was "OH MY GOD!!! Look how skinny you're getting!!!"

So I had to point it out: "Hello??? I'm a size 10 now!" She wrinkled her face in disgust and said "I know. Join the club."

I know? Join the club? You mean the fat club, you bitch? So, apparantly I've gone down from a 12 to a 10 and she's gone from an 8 to a 10...did you hear that pop? That was my bubble.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Interesting Weekend...

Friday night Janet and I went to see Mamma Mia and it really was fabulous. I'm not a musical lover or even a large event theater lover. I like small venues; if at all. But this really was worth it...What was surprising is that I seemed to be the only one bobbing my head to the music! how can you not?

Saturday we were invited to Grahams for Passover dinner. His mom was going to be there and i ADORE her! And this would be the first time I was to meet Grahams new girlfriend. I have to say she is one of the most uninviting, unfriendly, unpleasant individuals i have EVER met. And I met Joe Montana! Anyway, if I wasn't so hammered I could've dignitilly excused myself, thanked Graham for dinner and hugged his mom goodbye. Instead, I threw a napkin at her and told Graham's mom she was NOT allowed to speak to her. Oh God...I cringe writing that.

So needless to say, today everyone in my life is bugging me and I hate myself for being me. A secluded island with nothing but carbs and Kody sounds good about now.

I did see a REALLY good movie: Lars and the Real girl. Surprisingly touching. I also saw Reign over Me with Adam Sandler and I thought he did an amazing job.

Okay...off to feel sorry for myself. Cheers!

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Do you know why? Because my sock tells me so...

I use Roc night cream to make me look younger, because 'they' tell me it will.

And during all my diets, I randomly take CLA because 'they' tell me it will burn fat!

Or, if I feel stupid, well I'll just play Cranium becuase I was BORN TO PLAY! And don't forget

"I'm Good!"

But if that's not enough, I'll reach for my informercial DVD's that will make me skinny in 6 weeks or less...woo hoo! you mean I got this fat ass in 7 years; but, in 6 weeks or less I can look like you??

If that doesn't work, I'll just make my hair fabby with organic clarifying shampoo...look UP people, look up!

Or blind them with my teeth

And just when I've had enough and am exhausted with trying to fit in, I'll just drink beer. Because 'they' tell me when I drink beer, I'll have fun! With good looking people, no less!

But what usually happens, is I end up looking like this:

(no, that's not me) (and where are all the pretty people?)

So I'm a slave to the industry. I buy tons of products to make my life "better".

And does it? Well....sometimes the hope that it will, does....


I was going to paste some before pictures like brave Debby (well, apparantely not so brave now since she took down the pictures) and thought I'd be funny by having my pix taken from 50 feet away.

hahahahaha, right? Wrong. Because if you zoom in, you'll see i bear (bare?) the striking resemblance of a potato bug.

Saturday night we did 2nd Saturday and ended up at Faces, a gay dance bar, and danced til 11ish - THEN went to lyons where i pigged out. i so went out of ketosis for a few days after that excursion.

I guess I won't be ready for bikini season at the end of April like I planned...maybe i'll take part of May off too....

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


My new gift to myself. (Don't worry...Bluetooth is STRICTLY for car use)

I can tell i'm going to love this company because they only cater to bright people.

Monday, April 07, 2008

New Hair.

I was getting ready to touch up my roots when I decided there is just way too much gray to keep hiding it with a dark color. So i'm going back to blonde becuase it hides the gray MUCH better. Which means back to 3 hour salon appointments...ugh.

To keep the lie alive that I'm young, I had her throw in a wild patch of red. i LOVE it!

SAturday night I made an iced coffee to get my motor running and it just made the coolest design:

Yay! It's MONDAY!!!!


Friday, April 04, 2008

Is working out reeeally worth it?

Today, amidst my still-so-sore-neck, I decided to rollerblade home with "Devin". I haven't bladed in a while and I was wobbly, scared and soon to give up. But Devin insisted we take the bike trail.

I agreed only becuase the bike trail is smooth, there's no cars and no sidewalk unevenness that I was experiencing earlier.

But I didn't want to go. Becuase it's a long ride. I hurt, I'm tired, I want a drink, but can't, and it's friday.

Long story short, I had to pee. I stopped at a chain link fence and grabbed ahold of it to just catch my breath. The fence is atop a very steep and instant hill. As I held the fence, my left skate, in slo-mo, went down the hill. I had to grab the chain link fence with my little fingers and my little fingers had to hold up my weight. This is no easy feat. As i hung in the balance of fatness being held by skinny fingers, Devin tried to come to my rescue. Seeing that this wasn't going to happen in my lifetime, I decided to drop my other leg that was still on top of the hill to stop my progression DOWN hill.

Meanwhile, my fingers have intertwined and twisted within the links.


By the time I got myself free and checked out my now numb fingers, i was done working out. So i called Janet. She met me at the end of the trail and spared me another 4 miles on my own.

She graciously took Devin home and although I'm not supposed to drink tonight, as Janet knows, I smiled and waved at him while he rolled away from Janets car, I said "Raven Club NOW and don't argue with me bitch."

And without a gripe, Janet headed my way...

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Momma Girls

I bought my house around 2001 and when I moved in, the property came equipped with a few squirrels that ran up and down and all around my trees, roof, yard, etc. One of the squirrels was quite brazen and fearless. She just happened to be the mom.

Over the years, I'd talk to her and she'd come up and visit me. Well, actually, she's more like Kody and just wanted something; but, it was just so cute that an undomesticated animal would let me know when she was ready for her peanuts.

When my friends would come over, we'd hang out on the front porch chatting - all of a sudden her little head would pop up over the porch to say "MY PEANUTS???"

Yesterday as I was getting ready for work, I pulled my bike out of the garage and parked it in the driveway so the dogs can watch me get ready from the window. When everything was packed I looked around to make sure no cars were coming, and that's when I saw her. She was laying at the end of my driveway on her side...I walked up to her and spoke very softly; but, she looked bad. I stared at her for about 2 minutes. She took two breaths and then she took no more.

I wrapped her little body in an old flannel shirt and carried her over to a soft garden spot outside my kitchen window to bury her. I was sad. That's 7 years with a sort of 'pet'. That's 7 years of her chasing around her kids, her tearing up my tulip bulbs and gnawing off branches of my trees that I always have to pick up and 7 years of having to buy bags of peanuts for her. Unsalted. Her favorite kind.

She may never ask again; but...just in case she does...here's your little peanuts Mamma Girls.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

April 1st

No pranks yet. And the following story is also not a prank.

Today is my first day working "part-time" and I did this so I could get my ass in to some sort of healthy regime. Maybe if I drain my vacation time, i'll take myself seriously.

I still get up at 5:30, even though I don't have to be to work til 11:30; but, that's becuase I want to get in that habit so when i go back to the dreaded 8 to 5, I can still work out.

It's only 8:40 and already I've had coffee, 2 breakfastes, walked Kody, did Yoga and went to the gym. I'll go to the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays and i'm only going to work upper body because my lower body gets plenty of workout from biking to work to holding my body weight up. Today I did chest and bi's and let me tell you, I lifted so hard I felt nauseous when I was done. My arms were like stiff weeds when I left that gym. So much so I could barely pick my nose. This won't do.

I'm sure in time i'll be more used to it...and although i sound irritated, i actually LOVE that feeling. :)

Looks like rain today...it's gonna be a good day.