To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment. 
~George Lansdowne

I just got off the phone with a friend who's very happily married and she said she has an old lover that she just cannot be friends with because it actually still hurts.  It was nice to know that someone else still carries a torch for her ex.  It's also nice to know, i'm pretty normal.

What's not nice to know is that this will probably hurt for a lifetime.  and it is so true that the pain of missing him could turn in to pleasure if I knew he was missing me.  With who he has now, I know he is not.

Therein lies the torment as written above...

Hellooo?

You forgot to mention that you have TWO stunning, vibrant, fun, and intelligent women who love you.

Someday...

...I hope to be a stunning, vibrant, fun, and intelligent woman.

But I won't hold my breath.

Temporarily Disabled

got my placard today and I feel rich.  My doctor looked at me over her glasses when I asked her to sign the DMV paperwork and said "Um...i don't think you'll be needing this but okay."  HA!  I can even manipulate the highest of degreed people!

Ha ha ha...actually i'm not a manipulator.  If anything, I'm TOO honest.  I like to trust that the people I talk to see what i'm saying withOUT having to manipulate them.  which i suck at anyway.
And, i'm not really sure if i will need it or not; but, I've never had foot surgery so why take a chance?  but i will TRY to only use it when i need it.

I make myself laugh.

I signed up for my first improv class and this was before they made a joke about people who sign up for improv classes on 30 Rock.  You mean i'm a queer??  Who knew!  Anyway, I don't care judgemental 30 rock writers, this might just be my fluffernutter ride to the top!

Jeannie asked me over for dinner this weekend and I told her i couldn't thursday becuase that's my birthday night out with co-workers and friends, can't friday night that's dinner at my brothers and can't on saturday night becuase that's a play with dena.  i got exhausted explaining that!  Three solid plans and none i can flake on.  again...exhausted.  But that's okay becuase that makes up for yesterday where i was SO bored, i actually logged on to work and did some patching shit.  I was supposed to do a meetup but i just was NOT in the mood to put on makeup, do my hair and actually get dressed. 

Plus it was smack dab in the middle of the red zone.  Not quite ready for an unintentional ambush.

It's really hard doing nothing at work but i'm pretty good at it.  At least I was almost here on time...

Hmm...

I guess one way to feel skinny is when your gynecologist says "it's nice to palpate someone thin becuase i can actually feel your ovaries!"  hahah...

I've been wanting to join an improv class and today's Living Social was an IMPROV CLASS PACKAGE!  Sold!

Jerry Shirley

I watched FIVE minutes of a Seinfeld episode last night and then dreamt that Jerry and I got married.  And we were so cute together!  He told me he was going out to buy me a ring and i said "let me tell you something..." while i was walking to my jewelery box.  I pulled out my fake huge Emerald-cut diamond ring and told him not to buy anything smaller than this...and we laaaauuughed.  hahaha...I hope my next man is funny.  I think humor is the most sexiest trait ever. 

We (co-workers) were supposed to meet at Tower Cafe this mroning for b'fast but they changed their hours to 8am so we ended up at Fox & Goose and i HATE that place for food.  and, true to their style, my potatoes tasted like dirt and my waffle was a tiny version of an Eggo.  Plus, the waitress actually switched out our checks because she forgot to ADD A COFFEE TO THE BILL!!  Who fucking does that???

BUT, it is a fun place to party and that's where we'll be for my b'day...shootin steel tip darts and swillin' draught beer.

Super Bowl 2012

Okay.  That was totally fun.  Christina showed up and i have not seen her in probably 22 years...TWENTY TWO YEARS!!  Everyone back then called her ticket and she is Melina's sister...i loved seeing her. 

Me & Ticket

 

Very very very old friends....

This is Kelly (another Kelly) and i LOVED her instantly...

She just bought that hat and didn't realize it was wool so she actually stuck a piece of paper under the hat on her forehead to stop the itching.  HILARIOUS!!!!

Damn Jeff...open your eyes, man!

Party's winding down....

 

This is Ticket's boyfriend.  very darling he was....

So, the game didn't come out the way it was supposed to but it could've been a lot worse and i'm good with the way this season went down.

I stayed the night at Kelly's cuz mummy don't like spending the night in jail.

Ho Hum Weekend

Played cards with Janet Friday night and polished off a bottle of cheap wine waiting for someone from Lodi to come and look at my spa. Course he never showed up. HATE selling shit on craigslist...If i'm not worried about being killed then i'm staying home waiting for nothing! Course I guess that's better than the former.

I paid a much bigger price than the wine with the headache the next day. BUT, you'll be happy to know, i'm almost all caught up on my Animal Cops. I actually teared up a few times on some of the shows yesterday. i don't cry anymore becuase my heart has calluses but a few of the cases were very very sad. one dog, small chihuahua/terrier mix, started to get mange and the owners ddin't want her anymore so they just left her outside on the front porce which was about a 5 x 5 pad. she didn't move and just waited to be let back in but they never bothered with her again. by the time the SPCA got there she was just one big scab. I cried becuase you can't explain to her that people suck. she has no idea why they just ignored her and left her out there to die. and she didn't want to leave her stoop when the cops came to get her. which was also why i cried. SHE remained loyal to the end; but, her owners did not. fucking hate people. AAAAAAAAAAAAAnyway, another organization took on her case and got her treated and now she lives with a full family, has to wear sweaters cuz she has no hair yet and she seemed very happy. that's why i love that show...the happy endings make my hair stand up. : )

Going to Kellys today for the game. don't really care about the game but i do hope the Patriots win for the sake of my friends back east : ) And I'm hoping Melina shows up...LOVE that girl.

Pay Dirt!

I didn't want to go to therapy yesterday; but, if you dno't give her 48 hours notice, you're fucked.  I had no plans last night anyway. 

I was already in a shitty mood from a new story i created in my head and she asked a few questions about that then asked "what was it like growing up?"  Bam!  Right to the heart of psycho 101.  I started to tell her a few stories that i've told a million times before but becuase i was already fragile, i just started to cry.  It was a weird cry because I don't cry over those stories anymore; i just usually tell them from a point of humor, anger or apathy. (see? i tear up writing about it)  But, at 45 and still with the same ol' problems, I started to see my achilles heel...

...the whole reason i can't have relationships of any kind.  the self-doubt, self-esteem, mistrust, unable to communicate, alcoholism, depression (gee...where does one sign up for me!)...Not that I'm blaming everything on that; but, it certainly made a difference in my life.  ever see well brought up kids?  Yes, they have some issues; but usually they're good people leading good lives with normal relationships.  and usually when you see someone all fucked up and you dig deep enough, you'll see why.

What worries me now is I realize i'm only at the tip of a small iceburg and can I get past that black hole? 
Jesus.  don't i look happy???