Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Blogging is hard...

Okay. It was suggested that I not have too much material in one blog. Like the party. The party was full of so much I couldn't put it all in just one blog; but, I tried to anyway. Plus most people don't have the attention span to read a 14 page blog about a party they weren't at. Am I right here or no? The whole futon thing, apparently, was not clear so that makes it not funny. But it really was funny...so I start anew. From now on my blogs will be short, concise, clear and funny.

well 3 out of 4 ain't bad...

Eggplant is Nasty

No matter how you slice it; eggplant is nasty. It's slimy and prompts your gag reflex in to action...

I have 6 more days of being bad so why the hell did i order an eggplant sandwich anyway??? Well probably becuase it had smoked mozzerella cheese. And 14 Tablespoons of mayonnaise. and that maybe becuase it came with a bag of yummy BBQ chips. (ever notice i can not type the word 'because'? the 'u' always seems to slip in before the 'a'. I just don't ever correct it becuase i think that's pretty weird...)

speaking of weird, i switched out my two porch lights. they both used to have the electronic eye that would turn the light on when the sun went down. i replaced them both with two $7 cheapie lights from Home Depot. the one by my front door i have to manually turn on but the one by the garage comes on automatically. There is no 'eye' on the light, i cannot find the light switch nor could my brother and yet this light comes on every night around dusk. not a specific time either becuase it changed during daylight savings...that's some freaky shit!

I need some more friends...

Monday, May 30, 2005

Throw another cup on the "fire"

Days left to be bad: 7

I like to call the Viente y cinco de mayo party an ironic one. Out of the 3 parties I went to this weekend, this, what I thought would be the least fun, was the most fun. However, it didn't start out that way and from what I was witnessing, I was sure we'd be leaving in one hour. Exactly. After I’ve had my intended 4 margaritas. One hour.

We brought our Mexican vegetarian casserole up to the house where the fiancé was blowing up a George Dubbya punching doll. Kevin's whispering her name to me "Diane, Diane, Diane…"

"Hi Diane!" like I’ve known her for years...she did look surprised that I confidently said her name, which made me think it wasn't Diane after all. Anyway, Kevin had to arrive early to attend their bicycle group meeting they were holding before the party was to start so I thought I’d help Diane with her blow up doll. I offer to work the hand-held, butter-churning style pump when Mary, a friend of everyone’s but me, shows up. (what the hell kind of sentence was that??) These women, by the way, are all perky, thin and very active. QUITE the opposite of me, in fact, my arms were already exhausted from working the pump for all of 55 seconds. I notice that "George" had a blowhole in his head (seems to be his general problem) so I offer to fill up his noggin. Diane says, "Go ahead...you seem to be full of a lot of air". Hmmm...This is not promising. Did I say one hour? I meant 45 minutes. And still 4 margaritas.

Diane and Mary take off for the kitchen, leaving me to fend for myself. So I wander in to their living room checking out all their record albums (yes…actual LP’s – kinda cool!), some pictures on the wall and finally settle in to a nice comfortable chair next to a stack of guitar lick books. Did I say 45 minutes? I mean 30…and yes still the 4 cocktails.

Well now I’ve been invited in to the kitchen for a bite to eat. Who the hell can say ‘no’ to that? I still have 8 glorious days of badness and I will utilize those to the fullest. I’m very good at ‘last days before diets’ you know? I mention to Diane that we brought our karaoke machine and she says something like “Well I know what you’ll be doing all night…”

“Honey? I’m gonna take those drinks to go…”

FINALLY, Kevin is out of the meeting and I can cling to his side for dear life. I mention how out of place I am amongst these smart, straight, normal people and he says, “now you know how I feel around YOUR friends…” “Moi friends? They’re so normal and fun and…”…okay I get it. Some time has passed and some alcohol has flowed in to my bloodstream and things are looking more funner. I head in to the kitchen to strike up some conversation with anyone who’ll listen when I notice some pretty cool and fun looking people! Yay! Turns out one of the guys is a member of a very popular local band. The karaoke machine is looking more promising now as I’m soon to be discovered! Hahaha…kidding really. But that is one repeat subject of my crying moments at the end of any particularly too-long partying night: “I SHOULDA BEEEEEN A ROCK STAAAR!!!….” heeeeeecuuup…

To make a somewhat long story shorter, the night progresses smashingly. Alcohol is flowing nicely, bellies are full, and laughter can be heard coming from every room. John, the owner of the house and party, is now pretty hammered. Excellent material (of course, all in good fun, since we’ve all been there)…I try to get him to sit down in his new Costco camping chair but he’s trying to place the arm of the chair inside his butt. Although, he momentarily looks pleased I shove him to the right a bit so he can put his butt in the butt part of the chair. I set out to make him some chips and salsa but John has other plans…he beelines out the house and sets free some alcohol he took captive earlier. Poor thing…I hate that. But as everyone always says, “it’s good to get it out now. He’ll feel better in the morning..” etc., etc. Now, John has settled in to some tomato plants and a bush by the fence and the remainder of us fun people have all gathered around an old discarded futon like it was a fire we so much wanted. (Except, with a fire, you can’t use it as table too!) And here we all stayed for about an hour. I tell my famous moosecock joke, Kevin pretends to throw another cup on the "fire", the veterinarian tells us about manually breeding horses (ew!) and offers to neuter all males (and not just dogs!), someone pulls out 'wheelchair weed' where one says it tastes like purple (What?). Was that really an hour that went by? Wasn't that how long I only wanted to stay originally? It would have been nice if this night could have gone on forever. But, alas, it cannot so we sadly say our goodbyes and hug our newfound friends and all go our separate ways. .

Today, I smile much remembering last night. And thought how cool it was that of all 3 parties, the one I thought I’d dread, turned out to create the fondest of memories…

Thanks John! Great Party! Happy Viente y Cinco de mayo, mi new amigos!

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Okay...Totally weird

I was spring cleaning (better late than never) and I was vacuuming under my bed. Something was stuck on the skinny thingy attachment that was too thick to get sucked up in to the skinny thingy. I pulled it off and, no shit, this is what it was:

huh? I do not have a cat so how the hell did a poor little frog get in my house?? it looked like it might have died from asphyxiation or choked by hairs from THIS toad: (ain't he cute though?)

Off to my party...here's to hoping I have something fun to write about later!

One more party...

Days left to be bad: 8

Wow...two days of partying and i have one more party to get through. Tonight is an annual Cinco de Mayo party; except, it's really more like veinte y cinco. Last night, our friend Tisha graduated after 5 years of grueling schoolwork and she is now officially a nurse! Congrats chickie...I mean, who would not feel safe in this girls hands??

Here's to you Tisha! You are loved and we are proud of you!!

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Should I REEEEEEEEEALLY wait 9 more days?!?

(To fully appreciate the humor, and not grossness, of this picture, one must visit www.shewalks.blogspot.com under the title Share Photos!)


Days left to be bad: 9

I cut out of work 10 minutes early yesterday becuase i was so in the mood for a beer. My girlfriend, Bridgett*, wanted to meet me at a sushi bar and i was game for that! So what if i had my grubby grubs on? After a couple o'beers one feels quite beautiful anyway. I get there around 4:30 and find out the restaurant doesn't open til 5...total drag. I mill about in Starbucks wishing that on the weekends they could at least sell beer.

"You guys should sell beer on the weekends..."

Ha haa...not funny to anyone else, i guess, since no one acknowledged my witty comment. I decide to go stand outside the sushi bar and see if maybe they'll just let me in for a beer. no dice. they're very strict. Bridge arrives and we chat for a bit, biding our time until we hear the relieving click of the door lock. In we go, booth be found, beer be ordered. Now Bridge is very popular here; she's fun, funny and a damn good tipper. So one of the waiters who has partied with Bridgett before brings us each a saki bomb. Honestly, i was a bit scared to try this...a shot of saki dropped in to about 10 ounces of beer. i'm not a chugger; but, i'm a good sport so i downed as much as i could. Mmm...not bad. Chinese champagne, James called it. it did taste like that.

I have to go home now. my boyfriend is waiting for me there...with a karaoke machine. Yup. We sang for two hours and i remember thinking "my God this is so lame" but so fun in a lame kinda way. But even lamer when you're singin like this:

for lack of a segue...

One time I went to Long’s Drugs to pick up some cough syrup. I was 3rd in line behind a really young cute surf boardy kinda guy who was behind a very pretty 30 something blonde girl. I’m swinging around waiting for my turn when I notice whatever the checker lady is scanning isn’t registering so she has to call for a price check. I’m still half paying attention when I hear her say “yes….uuuuuh…I need a price check on this..uuuh, red box thing called “aaaannuussss..uh…something” My head whips around to now check out this unbelievably fortunate scene I’m about to witness. Seems that the lady does not realize what she is price checking but I’m pretty sure I know what aaaannuusss means. I look at the girl who’s buying this aaaannuuuuss cream and she now has her head in her hand and she’s mouthing the words “oh my god…” I start cracking up and I cannot contain myself… “This is what comedians write about!” I say excitingly! I’m laughing now and so is she… “too bad you just didn’t have a sore throat like me, eh?” She mumbles that she cannot wait to tell her husband and I blurt out how I cannot wait to tell my friends…

I'm not funny today..think i'll go take a nap.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Four Letter Word: DIET

I'm starting a serious diet on Monday June 6th. so i officially have 10 "last days". i've had more last days than i've had actual diet days. 10 glorious days to drink belly-widening beer, ice cream, soy mochas from starbucks (and a few of their pastries), togos, bread, bread and some more bread. I'd post a "before" picture but i can never seem to get the "after" picture so let me see if i can succeed first..heh..heh...i have quite a few befores anyway...

Last night i was reading my Shape magazine (note to self: Switch from Shape to Prevention) to get motivated and I really didn't know that i could get a 'beach-ready body' in just 3 weeks! That's pretty exciting. i mean, it took me about 10 years to get this ponch and in just 3 short weeks, it can be gone! Wow...no more belly ring disappearing when i laugh...i'll have to get reaquainted with it...


Thursday, May 26, 2005

Elevator Chat

Don't you hate it? You know the feeling: you get on the elevator kinda bummed to see someone else on "your" car and squeeze out a fake smile. You really just want to sing the song in your head out loud but now you can't.

"Nice day outside today, huh?"

"yeah...not looking forward to the hundred degree heat though..."

"Yeah, no kidding. It's kinda breezy out - that's bad for my allergies."

"I wish I had allergies - I love to sneeze. Any plans for the weekend?"

and on and on. Or how about this lame one:

"Thank God it's Friday, eh?"

"yeah...AND payday - double good stuff!"

"Man, this was a long week"

"You're not kidding!!"

"So...any plans for the weekend?"

Just shoot me.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Makes zero sense

Can someone tell me why the conditioner bottle is the same size as the shampoo bottle? I mean, unless you've got a quarter size amount of hair, you're going to need more than a quarter size amount of conditioner. But a quarter size (or half dollar) amount of shampoo can do the trick. Not so with cream rinse (there's a phrase I'll bet you haven't heard in a while - cream rinse)

It's kinda like the 8 buns in a bag to accommodate the 12 hot dog package. well...not quite, but you know what I mean...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

funner's a word, ain't it?

I've used "funner" way before it became hip. Because I'm ahead of my time and it made (and still does) sense. "Laying on the couch is way funner than running 10 miles" "he is funner than she is", etc...

How about "she is fatter than him" or "Kody is funnier than Gabby"...see what i mean?

okay this was a stupid blog but i'm in shock over toe hair and too much wine. i go nap because i'm tireder now than i was an hour ago...

Monday, May 23, 2005

Yeow... Posted by Hello

GOD-the PAIN! I can barely see!

Today I woke up with a GIANT zit on my eyebrow just above my eyelid. Ain't i pretty? Mondays suck...
Ewwie? Posted by Hello

French Pedicure cannot disguise toehair

So my girlfriend comes over tonight for some theraputic distraction. She brings over a lovely bottle of chilled white wine (while i secretly have my 3 beer limit stash awaiting after the polishing of the bottle). We eat, we smoke, we chat and soon the laughter follows. What are we laughing about? *Bridgett notices, as she admires her somewhat grown out pedicure, something curious that should not be there for such a polished woman: toe hair. It's a cross between leg hair and pubic hair...lubic hair? Who tells us this is there and what do we do about it? I don't have time to inspect my body for embarrassing hair that grows out of odd places such as my big toe. okay? OKAY?? So, does anyone know if there is an existing manual to help us girls regarding "common" beauty issues?

*names have been changed to protect the innocent...

Friday, May 20, 2005


I love to drink, i love to drink. I'd drink most every day.
It's better than my life, i see - mo' better in every way.
I want to drink right now, in fact but cannot find a friend.
so i think i'll drink all by myself and write about the end.

it's nice outside...i'm being called to imbibe and inhale the sweet smell of summer. it always smells sweeter when the spirits are running with your platelets. why is that?


i've been working for all my life and frankly i'm done. well, not really...i have a house payment, bills (although moderate), a large dog to feed and some fun to be had. but my blog is about working and how much i hate it. so my favorite quote that brings me comfort is from Drew Carey - "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." (more on the bar part in a later, yet-to-be-created blog) It's like Groundhog Day (man i watch a lot of media)...every day, get up, grumble, grumble, grumble, say the same thing to my dog "i don't wanna go to work", make coffee, do my doodies, and head out the door. God! there has to be more to life, right? Is there? Don't die with your music still in you??? yeah right!~