Happy Halloween

And I mark this day as the first day of the rest of my life.  Becuase if I can't turn my life around now, all bets are off.

While listening to my ipod on the bike trail yesterday, a track from The Secret came on.  I was going to forward it but since i was unusually, and as usual, depressed, I thought it might be something i needed to hear.  And it was.  your thoughts become reality.  You are what you think.  And, for the 18,337,321 time I was reminded that why i was feeling so shitty had everything to do with what i was focusing on. And I just don't focus, I obssess.  And then my actions support the obssessive thinking and I do.  I do things that bring on more pain...So i had a moment of hope and then for some weird reason i just crashed.  and crashed hard...and today, I just have to be done.  I cannot go on like this another day.

I got up when I felt like it, made a pot off coffee, will take Kody to the park, have a nice breakfast and ride my bike in.  I will let go of those in my past that it's time to let go of.  I won't read any sites that are none of my business or part of my life anymore becuase one just kills me and the other is just ridiculous.  I will have faith that my life will get better and I will renew that faith every single morning.

I will spend time with those in my life that i love and I will seek out new people that will enrich my life and experience, even though I don't want to.... Time to do all the things I knew I should be doing but chose to do bad shit instead...bye bye bad shit.  you stink anyway...

addendum:

hahah...see?  feeling better already.  I went to starbucks and some a'hole parked in a spot and one ENTIRE tire (tiretire) was in the next spot over...so i pulled in riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight next to their door.  i mean, after all if i parked to let them in, i'd be the asshole to the next spot.  so the chick came out and saw that she would not be able to get in her door and had to climb thru the passenger door. hahahah!!! yay me!

when i got to work i screamed when i saw Ali like his "costume" was totally scary.  hahah...he said he wanted to put me over his knee.  All these boys have RECENTLY gone to Sexual Harrassment training and they are all worse.  i love it.

biked

rode bike trail to downtown and came back surface streets.  1.5 hours.

I want to ride my rollerblades i want to ride my blades

I would so cry if i didn't end up smirking shockingly.  ONE day of eating regularly (well...minus the fries and sleeve of oreos chased with full-fat milk) and i gained seven pounds.  SEVEN POUNDS!  WTF!?!  I know they say it's not good to lose more than 2 pounds per week but they don't say much about gaining 7 pounds overnight!  anyway, i know it's just massive water weight and cookies so i'm not worried.  And i just got back from a 40 minute blade (could have SWORN it was at least an hour)...today my punishment is only wine and no food.

hahah...

Aah...it's halloween.  My ex used to say he didn't like it when women used this as an opportunity to dress all slutty...how much you wanna make a bet he LOVES it this year?  Jesus.  Did i even KNOW him???

My costume?  I'm going as a widow.

done

i can't do the no eating thing anymore. so i guess i have to start super working out. poop.

i changed out my own home thermometer. I'm pretty proud of myself!  Although I did put a special note in the window for the fire dept to save my dog first.

Game 7 tonight...i'm so rooting for Texas only becuase they're the underdog. I always love the underdog.

Zach Garafalakalis said he was a big Sarah Palin fan on his Conan O'Brien appearance and after the groans from the audience he said "I meant i'm a big parasailing fan"...hahahah

I think i'm going to apply for the part-time job at SPCA. I'll at least call about it. whatever hours i work there, i just don't work here. sounds awesome to me.

Fish and stuff

This fish, though i love him, is a pain in the ass. he has, what i think, is dropsy which is a fatal disease but i'm trying really hard to save him. i had to take him out of his mansion and put him back in the 1 gallon tank and make that his hospital tank. yesterday i came home to half the tank full of water. The other half was on the floor. The damn thing has a leak. so this morning, i cleaned out a 1 gallon vase and put him in there. And spent more money on him...very expensive $1.99 fish.

That Ben & jerrys did me no favors except make me excruciatingly happy for 15 minutes. and made me gain 2 pounds. over night. Now i have 8 pounds to lose in 14 pounds. seems unreasonable but not when you're not eating. i've grown rather accustomed to not eating and i kinda like it. it's easier, cleaner and you don't have to think about food. Yay! an eating disorder to add to my repertoire! I'm a catch!

I was supposed to do a tahoe hike this weekend but i can't on a low cal diet. i'll barely make the drive to roseville! bummer. i was looking forward to that.

anyway, once i get down to my set weight, i'll start massively working out. Hmm..where have i heard this before...? i am riding my bike to and from work and that's more than i did the last time i was on a VLCD so goody for me.

And Dexter is OFF. THE. HOOK! i love that there are like 3 story lines going at once. and i really like Brother Sam. i hope he doesn't turn out to be a dexter victim. he came close....

shit, shit, SHIT!

I'm just not sad anymore which means i'm getting my appetite back. Yesterday i ate a salad, crackers and a pint of ben & jerry's. crap.

to be fair, i took the day off becuase i had two appts so i laid on the couch and watched a marathon of 30 rock and Dog Town...Ben & Jerry's just GOES with shit like that, right?

i had to see my head doctor yesterday and she invited me to bring kody too...(what's with the Kody invites??) Course these are all new invites so they don't really know any better. And when i left my doctor's office, she asked us to go out the back in case there were any patients milling about. She didn't want to scare them. hahahah...at least he didn't poop in her office.

She always ends the appointment with "do you want to hurt yourself?" "No." "do you want to hurt anyone else?" "ummm....nooooo?" You think i'm going to tell you about my fantasy of tying my ex up and slathering his head with Nair and plucking his last remaining ravishingly sexy gray wirey hairs off his chest so you can lock me up? I'm mean i'm crazy; not stupid!"

hhaha...kidding. just made that up for comedic affect. he actually looks good hairless.

What I have been thinking about is how many times that man has thrown me under the bus to save himself and his reputation. And yet this girl he proudly flaunts in front of his friends and family and wears her like a badge of honor. Horrible catholic. Where's the guilt?

See how much better I am?

Check it.

Spent HOURS cleaning out my garage...now i can pull in without hitting shit.

Moment of truths

I went to a Silpada party yesterday for a few hours. Jill told me to bring Kody, and as shocking as that was, I did. He was really great but he’s just SO damn big! The poor jewelry hostess had to keep her eye on her tables because every time he’d walk by, his tail would mess up her displays. And then someone had to bring a child who now had to be held the entire time. Hahaha…Oh and he chased Jill’s cat right up a tree. She said she was glad to see that because she wasn’t sure he was even capable of that anymore but Kody showed her he, indeed, was. He really was sweet (minus the cat scene); he just doesn’t know his own size.

I bought a pair of darling hammered hoops. Frickin $60! You can be sure I will be wearing those to bed!

I went over to Jeannies after to hook up a computer for her. Since I had Kody, there was no reason to rush home so I hung out for dinner and two movies. We had to shop for a couple of things for the computer and shop for a couple of things for dinner and while we were running from place to place, I was talking about the usual. I made some comment, that I always make and Jeannie suggested that maybe I’m the only one who thinks that….I’m like “noooo….even you do too, right?”

“No. In fact I don’t. And honestly I never understood it.”

And there it was. Time froze and I stared at her for a minute, mouth open. Some indisputable facts followed by a simple, yet perfectly phrased statement that shifted my reality.

And now I am free.

We watched a stupid-ass thriller and then Bridesmaids. Jeannie had never seen Bridesmaids but absolutely loved it. She said she hadn’t seen a Hollywood movie in years that she enjoyed as much as she enjoyed this. It was funny, because, although I’ve seen it before, I was watching thru my last 4 week eyes and my life has been very Annie-ish lately. It’s nice to see someone’s loser life played in the light of humor. Made my life seem pretty funny too.

We got home around 9:30 and I watched my usual nighttime shows and went to bed for a solid, heavy and healing sleep. Today is a hopeful day and, for once, it really feels like it…

wow.

i have lost NINETEEN pounds since the infamous 9/18 date. thanks you two!!!

later:

I just got back from lunch where i had baked catfish and spinach. sounds gross, right? not when you haven't eaten in two days! it was FABBY!

I had to apologize to the boy becuase i shared just a bit too much of my thoughts that i've had over the last 4 weeks with him. I really need to get a grip on myself at this point. at 45, four weeks IS enough time to grieve, accept and move on. He seems incredibly happy with his new girl and if I loved him like i say i love him, i should be incredibly happy for him too. The 20 year age difference STILL stings a bit; but, really...it's not my business anymore. I would bet, when I'M in love, I won't think twice about it. He's just been my friend for 10 years and I miss him. But until I can see him with her and feel nothing, I cannot be his friend now.

SO, atrollin' i must go. momma needs a man and soon. Twelve more pounds and i can be naked in front of said man so here's to it!

SHITTY fucking day

Just when you think you're really on a roll and doing really well..BAM! right down the fucking toilet.

it's funny how we all tell ourselves "yeah i'm doing good...it's all right...no worries" when really you're praying you're telling the truth. And when you realize you're not doing good and it's not all right, it sucks.

I had a nice conversation with the boy though. he's always so incredibly kind & patient. i wish he were just a womanizing asshole; this would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier.

not much i can do. It brings me no peace to dwell on the unchangeable so me thinks i shall try to stop dwelling. And this cold glass of chardonnay is gonna help me with that.

Carpet Remnants

Dexter is pretty amazing. It's kinda busy as there is like 3 things going on in each episode; but, it was good to hear the theme song again. Valentino came over during the last five minutes and went nuts over Kody so i didn't catch the ending of episode 2 but visually, he was putting his son to bed and thinking philosophically so I probably didn't miss too much. THANKS VALENTINO!

AND, I've made an earth-shattering decision to leave the iPhone. For a couple of reasons: one i absolutely abhor iTunes (i still can't transfer my iPhone songs on to my laptop) and two, Apple does not have a 4G network! Can you believe that? there's not even a plan in the works so for $300 I can get the mid-size iPhone 4S on a slow-ass network and still can't load my songs or for $99 i can get a droid that easily transfers music, is super-ass fast, has a bigger screen and is less expensive overall. I think that's a rhetorical statement.

I'm getting a pedicure tonight so that meant i would have had to ride my bike home in the dark and in flip-flops...but my $150 light isn't working so i'm gonna take a late lunch and go get my car. that gets in my exercise, i don't have to move my car every two hours and all is well in my little world.

Some funnies I found on facebook...

Commute

I actually like riding my bike now. I mean I’ve always enjoyed the ride in because I’m a morning person, it’s cool out and not very trafficky, but I used to dread the ride home. It takes a whole 30 minutes and I really just wanted to be home. Maybe it’s because I don’t like being home anymore. I’m only there because of Kody but when that changes, God forbid and not rushing, I’ll probably never be home.

My mountain bike has a flat tire. I have to buy one of those ‘never gets flat’ tubes…I think they make that? Anyway, it’s the back tire too and I HATE changing the back tire with that damn derailleur and chains all over the place; but, I’ve done it before and I’m sure I can do it again.

I want to try some mud biking cuz momma likes to get dirty. I also want to do that down & dirty race in Folsom at the end of October. I might not be ready so i'll wait til the last minute. BUT, i will be ready for my boot class in November. kinda excited about it; kinda nervous. i hope they don't yell at me becuase i WILL cry.

hizzaah...

my pants are ghetto big.

Tomorrow is Dexter night. Things are looking up!

Thanks Janice...

let the work begin.

Tidbit Blog

I don't want to get too excited but i feel completely unencumbered today. I know it becuase it's been so long since i've felt this way, that it's noticeable.

I'm a baseball cap fan. I'll pick 'em up off the streets, clean them and then they're mine. Today I found a NY Yankee hat...i rode my bike over it.

I now have to order smaller pajama jeans. I know that seems like an oxymoron but still...yay for me!

My poor Betta is sick. It looks like he has Dropsy which is a fatal disease so i'm kinda sad. I 'hospitalized' his tank this morning so we'll see. : (

I had to get my teeth cleaned yesterday and i got SUPER high on the nitrous. It feels totally uncomfortable like if you smoked too much pot. But i knew i was safe so i went with it and eventually that part passed and then i was just pleasantly altered. I asked Sue how my teeth looked becuase I had been flossing my teeth at least once a week. She laughed but i was seriously proud!

You know what I love about moving my car every 2 hours? that it forces me to ride my bike in.

Did you see the season finale of Breaking Bad? O. M. G. it gave me goosebumps and does everytime I mention it...

IT'S FRIIIIIIIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

la la laaaaaa

When you miss someone, it is literally a painful ache. A very deep, dull ache that nothing can soothe.

It’s been three weeks now but, believe it or not, i am getting a teeeeeeeeeeeny tiny bit better. I still have moments that absolutely take my breath away; but, I am learning to accept the current situation for whatever it is and as disturbing to me as it is (in more ways than just the obvious). I’m sad becuase i lost my best friend and i’m even sadder becuase i have realized that, although I said I am letting this go, I was not. And I’m not becuase i’m afraid to. I know when i do, it will be permanent and that is something i never wanted or imagined. That's what i'm afraid of...

Permanent. I’m sad again.

I try to remember, still, that it has only been 3 weeks. I’ve been so hard on myself through this grieving process. I get very frustrated because I just want to be OVER it so i can move on; but, it doesn’t work that way. On some days I just go through the motions, one foot in front of the other, to get through the day and some days, more lately, i get out and actually have a bit of fun.

Anyhoo, I don’t think I’ll write about this anymore becuase i don’t want to give it anymore attention than i have been. I find when I focus on it, i'm fucked. I’m very black & white that way and letting go to me is simply moving forward and never looking back. There’s nothing left there anyway....

On another note, Jack stole my move. I want the royalties to this episode!

A big shout-out to the 180!

It started with the bike ride home. THAT felt good. I had forgotten my helmet too and the unrestrictedness was nice.

I only had time to freshen up before Jeannie and Dena showed up and we headed to Vallejo's to do the Full moon cemetery walk.


Jeannie, Deannie, Tanyee


Liz, Dena, Me, Jeannie


It was a pretty big turnout with some pretty interesting people...



On the way to the cemetery, this house was very coolily decorated. Check out that one head looking at me...creeepyyyy!!!!


This cemetery is GORGEOUS! We're going to do another walk but with a hired tour guide. Dena knows one of the tour guides there so we'll get a good show.



LOVE the trees...and all the plants. It looks like an old, rustic cemetery. wait...it is!~


Like totally cool. I jumped in front of Chris' camera just in time to get this awesome halloween shot.



Chris being Chris







Shirley humor.


After the cemetery the group headed to Capitol Park to check out the memorials but we went to Vallejos for dinner. I hadn't eaten a stitch all day and i"m kinda pissed that that's what i chose to eat. AND it was gross! but I kept it to a minimum and left not stuffed.

As for work, it's the same old thing as it was 3 months ago. Staring at the walls, surfing the internet looking for trouble. I just can't do that anymore. It's like a drink to me. SO, I'm going to enroll in an online Vet Tech program that will take 18 months to complete. I'll bring my laptop to work and use an air card so i'm not using our network which could possible get me in trouble. I don't think i can get away with convincing them that Vet tech school is very job-related.

When i graduate, I can consider going part-time and working at the SPCA in their clinic. And do rescues on the weekends becuase i'll be incredibly useful.

On another funny note, i've had 3 friends point me to this video since the chick reminds them of me. Randy said "she's not your twin; she's you!" hahaha...i certainly can see me yelling the "BARRIER!" part. *sigh* someday i WILL find a man that will love me just as I am...it's gonna be hard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xFaJUZRkQM&feature=share

This day can't get any more fucked.

unless i come home to a wedding invite.

Hm..

I don't have a super lot of things, right now, that make me happy and I'm hanging on as best I can so I'm gonna say a juice fast right now is just too much. That, and the fact that i don't like drinking salads, I ain't even gonna kid myself that I can do this.

However, since I'm still not eating well, I will replace some meals with a juice. That's good enough. i feel better already...especially sitting next to my coffee.

We're doing the cemetery walk tonight and it's the perfect night to do it since tonight is a a full moon. Wooooo....

God. where's my spark?

I’m starting my fast tomorrow. I have a terrible feeling I’m going to get quite sick before I get quite better. There’s a lot of shit to be eradicated from my body.

I’m starting at a lower weight too because ever since a piece of my soul was taken, 12 pounds went with it (dramatic and yet very true). I guess there can be a silver lining to even the darkest of clouds.

I went to the market with Chris and Julie this morning and here is my bounty:




I'm heading up to jeannies in a bit to borrow her Breville juicer. i know better than to buy one. I really DO hate juice; but, i can do this for just two weeks. Hopefully, it'll be more than just cleansing to my body.

The Animal Place

Today, I drove up to grass valley for the Music in the Meadows festival held at The Animal place. it was SUCH a beautiful day and i always love coming up the hill. someday, i will move up here.

I wasn't interested in the music though..just the animals. here is something like a dog/goat something...maybe donkey. he was so cute.

and mountain goats...or so they think they're mountain goats.

This is Howie. He came here 15 years ago and was basically their first calf rescue. he is such a sweetheart. I got special drool on my shirt from him...thanks howie!

This is Linus. he was VERY shy and didn't really like people but his buddy Douglas... headbutted me many times. why didn't i get a picture!!!

do you NOT want to squeeze the shit out of him? so sweet...



this is a pot bellied pig, the last 3 of 300 rescued a few years ago in a hoarding case. they are crabby!

sweet life...sweet dreams!

The End

Opening statement and a movin on story...

I want to let go of the first half of my life and fully welcome the second half.

I had a horrific last month, one that completely debilitated me and I almost didn’t make it out alive. But I crawled through it suffering pretty significant injuries. I can only pray that I take the second half seriously and truly work on myself. I have no idea why I hate myself so much but I’m pretty sure it has to do with a volatile upbringing and alcoholism.

And constantly looking back with regret and shame.

I can do nothing about the past, nor can I change the present; I can only shape my future with only myself in mind. And I’m going to start with my age-old fight with health. I need to fast to clean out my body of years of shit & pain. I’ve done a fast before and I hated it so this time I want to approach it with hope and a good want. My brother recommended a movie called fat, sick & nearly dead and it was incredibly inspiring. I even clapped like a gayblade a few times; that’s how amazing it was. And if that 400# trucker can do it, I surely can.

14 days is my goal. (ahem...maybe 10?) You know what sucks is I really don’t LIKE juice so I’m hoping adding some fruit will make it all palatable. But no matter, I’m doing it. I’ll include yoga & meditation and nice walks with my dog. I’ll focus on the good things to come and continue to walk the direction I’m to walk.


Thursday Night Out
Sally's friends figured out the acronym for us girls is STD. hahahah...Sally, Tanya, Dena...i'm just glad I'm not "D".

So I met the girls for dinner and chats at Centro's. Hadn't seen Sally in ages and, of course, she's exactly the same. did i expect anything different? and dena too...always got her hands in sally's boobs...what is UP with that?


iPhone takes the crappiest pictures. Or is it just the photographer? Anyway you can't see it but Dave bought Sally a gorgeous "i'm serious" ring. I asked her when they were gonna get married and she said "oh, we're not." like i just asked her if she liked the salsa. But they both have been married before, they're older and just don't see the need. I can agree with that. At our age, marriage seems silly; like a romantic fairy tale. And unless there's a good financial reason, there really IS no need.

Unless you're drunk in Tahoe...then it's just a fun event.

But a ring? absolutely. there is absolutely a need for the ring.

After dinner, we went over the art studio to see Monica and a few of her booby photographs. I always feel so phony in an art gallery. It just does NOT interest me unless it's amazing art and I rarely see amazing art. I do like photography but not your typical photographs where everyone thinks they're an artist. Like my next picture: This is a still piece I like to call "fuckyoumomforleavingmealoneallnight". Notice the angle and the capturance of the culprit in the background?? now that is breathtaking artwork

After the art thing we went over to Brian Wheats house (drummer of Tesla...yes i was hangin with a SUPER STAR!!!) He owns this beautiful victorian on Capitol Ave...i guess it had partially burned down a few months ago and has since been remodeled. it was really beautiful inside. He was too in to the Yankee game to entertain us and he was FOR the yankees so I thought it'd best if we left soon...(and they lost. ha!)

Went to see The Gods of Carnage at B Street.

It is not easy to make me laugh out loud..only the best can do that: larry david, Louis CK, Worlds Dumbest, etc., and this was no exception. It was a really good idea and it was very well done but just not laugh out loud funny. for me, anyway. Others were cacklin' away so yay for them.
And after that, I dropped the girls off at their cars, since they were both hammered all night...hahahah....and headed home for a good-ass heavy sleep.

Hey! I get to be excited about Fridays again!! (although, truth be told...i still prefer the "every day is saturday" theme.)