4th of Joooly!

I'm preparing for our annual rafting trip this weekend. There are 10 of us going. I'm bringing the game of Catch Phrase and if you don't have it; get it.

I've packed sunscreen, flashlight, thingie that holds your sunglasses on when you're shitting bricks over the rapids, vodka with grapefruit, and a cute hawaiian skirt that makes you look skinny for later.

i just put on a fake tan and i just hope it doesn't coagulate on my hands and ankles. you know that dirty look, eh?

So, if we dont' drown or die on the bus ride (which is worse than any ride ever made) then i'll talk to you guys on Monday! yay!

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Who hasn't done THIS once in their life?

I once asked a woman when she was "due" when she wasn't even pregnant. You only do this once (hopefully) when you quickly learn - not a good question to ask any woman. Ever. I just happen to be lucky; she had just had her baby. Most woman have that "3 month" look after giving birth anyway.

My friend, Katie? Not so lucky.

She told me the story of the time she went to the doctors for her regular physical. The nurse came in to get her stats and the usual information when Katie squealed the question "Oh! When are you due?!?"

And, of course, the woman looked at her and said "I'm not pregnant."

Katie told me she was so mortified at herself and did not know what to do that she patted her own belly and said "Are you sure???"

I mean, I know I can get flustered and not know how to back pedal sometimes, but to only come up with 'are you sure?'. That's like saying "Are you sure there's no baby in there because that sure as shit can't just be from food!"

So if you have not ever made this faux pas in your life, learn your lesson from this blog, smile nicely and tell the woman how pretty she looks today. No back pedaling required.

Hotmail accounts?

Hmm...Apparently I need a penis enlargement and I didn't even know it!!

why the hell do I keep getting forty thousand of these emails a day? Do they not know I'm a woman? And YES I surf porn but I never give out my email address...

heh..heh....kidding, of course. I'm a prude...

Toe Stamp

My girlfriend, who we'll call Welly, has a toenail that looks like a postage stamp on a letter:



Don't you agree?

My Interview from Ryan Strikes Back

Tanya Christine(Hilarious honest poopy pants - thank you Ryan)

1. If you could do anything in the world as a profession what would it be?
Hmm...Great question but one with many answers. At first I thought it would be a celebrity; but, that really would suck to never have your anonimity, so I've come up with professional writer. (Stole this from Kevin) As a writer, i'd be wealthy enough to take about 8 months off a year and do other things like travel, party, fight for animal rights, and party. Oh...i said that already. Maybe i'd be a professional partier.

2. If you could flip off anyone in the world with no repercussions who would it be and why?
Another interesting question. The most obvious answer would be Dubya (he's ruining our reputation and our environment and getting stinkin' rich off of other people's lives) but he probably wouldn't know what that meant so....how about that guy who molested over 30,000 children. Do you need to ask me why?

3. Did you make a new blog and how can I get to it? you can mail this one to me. And if you didn't are you lying? hahah
Hmm...no. and no. (except for Kody's blog - but that was before my mini-breakdown on Sunday)

4. Who is the most inspirational person in your life and why?
All self-help authors. As you've probably already figured out, I need all the help I can get.

5. What would you do if you didn't blog?
Probably work.

I am offering to interview anyone responding to this post. The rules are as follows:1. Leave me a comment saying 'interview me please'.2. I will respond by asking you five questions here on my blog (not the same questions you see here).3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

amen.

2nd case of Mad Cow

Hmmm...i knew the USDA was keeping the public in the dark. God forbid they lose money. Better just to let a few people die...

I think I have mad cow...(that'd be ironic).

Oh wait...I AM a mad cow...I always get that mixed up.

oooh...

...cleavage shot JUST for our LBB.

I rode my bike in this morning and wished I had my camera to get some gorgeous shots. It was a beautiful and chilly morning. I had my biker shorts on, you know, the ones with the built in diaper? (They might look stupid but they'll come in handy after work when we're partying and I don't feel like getting up to use the restroom) I bought them back in the 80's when i was a size 6 and I don't remember them looking so unbelievably frightful but sure as shit...maybe it's because they're black and yellow. Probably doesn't help that my workout top is a spandex long-sleeved black turtleneck which both together made me look like a fat New England Bumble bee.


Then about a mile from work I start getting a blinding headache. I'm freaking out becuase an ambulance would take forever to find us and I'm pretty sure aneurysms are quite quick. (I'm a hypochondriac too - another bad habit) It's worse when I'm leaning down, better when I'm sitting straight up. Hmm...I figure out it's just my helmet. It's too friggin tight. When I take it off I have major lines in my forehead like a total nerd. Phew...crisis averted (or is it diverted?)

Today is only Thursday. Crap. But after work I reward myself with cocktails and cribbage and chums. yay! "aahbanadaaah!"...($5 to anyone who knows where that last word comes from)

ohmygod

I am so FREAKING bored.

i have to work out tonight too and that's the very LAST thing i want to do. but that's my punishment for not getting it done this morning. And I don't even know what happened this morning...i woke up at 5, closed my eyes for a second and all of a sudden it was 6:25. i had 15 minutes to european-ly wash up and run out the door. (Course, i had time for Starbucks. i ALWAYS have time for Starbucks.)

First thing I always do when i get here is check all blogs. It's my zen-time. Theeen i check my work emails and also my phone messages. A woman left me a message telling me her pc wasn't working, "like there was no power." I was thinking "Did you check the power?" but, you can't be that obviously rude. So I run up two flights of stairs, that's right - two flights, only to find out it was her power. PC no workey when big black cord not connected to 3 prongie thingie. But I just make the best of it and make it seem like it's a major programming issue within the Bios section in her localized cpu unit (big words that mean nothing). I get the starry-eyed "you're so smart" look every time.

My day only got worse. The two headed kitten died. Bewitched didn't get very good reviews. I said something mean to my boyfriend and i still have to work out after work...

i'm an expert whiner. I hate that i whine but it's easier than taking action. I'll take action eventually, but not today. Today i whine...

But you know what would shut my piehole? A swing by the the new paragarys restaurant to have a few cocktails that will let me melt in to the seat, the table and the conversation...Mmm....cocktaaaaiiilllss....

I had a dream....

...this morning. I was in a huge white, airy, windows-opened room swinging from a swing that was attached to the ceiling. i would kick off with my feet on one side and with my hands on teh other. I was thinking about what I would blog about today. When i got off the swing, i was sitting in front of a laptop (i dont' HAVE a laptop...ooooh, weeeird!) and the subject of 'habits' popped in to my head.

The only habit i could come up with was snapping my gum when i chew it becuase all my others were too mortifying to admit to. But as i awoke, i thought of more: (don't cringe honey...i'll modify, i'll modify)

I pull loose hairs from my head in teh shower and stick them to the wall. No lie. Sometimes i make shapes out of them if i'm bored.

I leave my empty packets of splenda stuck in coffee drips on my counter.

i throw my shoes in a pile in my closet. (you guys know WAY too much about me)

I smoke very expensive cigarettes when i drink. i know: disgusting. But smoking is the funnest habit - i just wish it weren't so nasty and smelly...

i leave my wet laundry in the machine long enough to get that horrid smell so i have to wash them again.

i totally squeeze from the middle.

i leave my cabinet doors open all the time (thanks Jodi)

I burp in public much to my boyfriends dismay.

I do everything in excess.

okay..that was not so much fun.

today i'm giong to test out some paint for my kitchen. Here's my blank palate i get to work with: (notice the almost un-workable green tiled counters?)


and here's my inspiration:


what are some of YOUR habits...?

A new blog?

I want to create a new blog where I can be really honest. On this one I have to bite my tongue. Hide myself. Or change my demeanor. I shouldn't be angry or sad or depressed.

But I am angry, sad and depressed sometimes. What's scary is my co-workers read this (hey! just kidding - I really am so normal!) My friends read this (they know...they know). People who are super-funny and super-intelligent read this. (man, my grandiosity is in rare form today :) But when they read this they, most likely, will move on; cuz this ain't gonna be funny.

Although really, I like to be funny. It makes me feel good to make people laugh or even to laugh myself. In fact, I asked my doctor to give me something that makes me laugh often (and will also make me lose weight!!) but they won't. Prescription Speed apparently is no laughing matter. Bah humbug! Instead, they wanna give me something that might give me a disfiguring, life-threating rash. Although that's tempting, I'll stick with my alcohol that brings me the laughter, joy and perception that life is good. Unfortunately, it also destroys my brain cells and my fatty liver. That's kinda funny in itself: a sickness that's funny. HA! Isn't that the saddest irony?

Uh oh...I'm getting serious. What I really wanna do is cry because tomorrow is Monday. I HATE Mondays. But I also hate Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and partial Fridays; because, those days reminds me that I have to work to pay for this house and my credit cards I "accidentally" charged up and the beast I have to feed every day.

For christs sake; someone wins the lottery every Wednesday and Saturday...Why the fuck can't it be me? Oh God...I could travel, quit my job, save animals, work out 2 hours every day and be fit, drink the finest vodka in Russia to celebrate my adoption of all the homeless "subway" children, buy a sanctuary, and a condo overlooking Central Park, and one in Tahoe too. See? Like Costanza says "I believe in God for the bad stuff!" because He must not want me to be rich. So what if I die in 5 years from over-indulgence? Who cares? Should I just die in mediocre poorness over the next 30 years instead? Yeah...thanks God!

Now, now...don't tell me how much God really loves me because really He don't do shit. If He's there at all, then He's just there. So really it's not about me. Or you. Or the billions of animals that die alone in terror and isolation without a concept that they ARE important. Or the millions of people suffering at the hands of others...no, He doesn't do anything to intercept that. Which leads me to believe it's only a power. Not a person who feels or cares but just a constant energy. How scary is that to think you can't even pray to someone who's listening? It's just an energy. A constant. Not a being that cares...But no fear; when you die, you'll come back or re-energize as something..Because energy never dies...yay!

so now when I feel alone, I really am alone...Except for my Kody. But even HE would dump me for a ball..

I promise I'll be funnier tomorrow... but if you want to hear more...well don't ask, because I wont' tell..

yeah...I need to create another blog...

The 9 Minute Wedding

I really don't like weddings. Even worse? I don't like weddings when I'm not even friends with the bride or the groom. Why did I RSVP? And even more worser than that? I have to get dressed up and put on a dress that probably has moth holes by now. i have to put on some super-ass tight tights to suck in all the glory that i have below. I have to spend my hard-earned money on a gift and then I have to be reminded of the bride-less life I've led. Although at 39, i'm really not too much bothered by that fact seeings how most of the weddings I cried at 10 years prior are now divorced.

Whos crying now?

So I got the wedding time wrong too. It's 1:30; not 1:00. But on the invite they write "One Thirty". Who the hell can remember words? I'm a savant - I need numbers.

This wedding, lucky for me, is near the library so we checked out a couple of mags and sat in the bean bag chairs, passin' time. Kevin wants to surf the net. I wonder if you can surf porn at a library? I mean, who would want to but can you?

1:24. Time to go.

We find our seats and it really is beautiful out. Sunny, with big white billowy clouds and a nice breezey breeze...

This random woman has, no shit, golden yellow hair totally curled back like a super bad Farrah cut. And 70's clothes to boot.

I can pick out all the men that are the grooms brothers; that's how much they look alike.

I can pick out all the daughters of the bride - they all have the same body shape.

I can pick my nose.

1:30 - we rise. Words can't describe the scene so i won't bother. Yadda, yadda, yadda: it's 1:39. Hallelujah! A wedding in record time! Time to go...that's right; we left. I felt like Doug & Carrie from King of Queens doing something probably improper. Except Doug would be whining that there were cold cuts to be had. And I, very un-Carrie like, was whining that there was blue cake to be had.

I'm at the Apple store right now waiting for Kevin to pick out something for his daughter before she leaves for Europe. We're having lunch at the California Pizza Kitchen. I mean, why not? I've got my super support hose on...

Am I a biased mother...

I submitted this photo in an animal picture contest

I think it (and he) is beautiful but i'm his mother...am I wrong?

So, naturally i check out the competition, and although there are some beautiful ones (not as beautiful as mine, though - let's get that clear) there are some "things that make you go 'Hmmm's" in there...

Okay...what is special about this one? the bra strap shot or the pit bull that's going to eat the kitten?


Now this would be good for a look alike contest; but, again, not the greatest shot...


Whaaa....? Pre-barfing is never good.


Eww...


what the f***?

This one will give me nightmares...(the guy seems very sweet though, so don't get on my case)

So just my opinion; my doggie is the clear winner here (even amongst the "good" ones...heh heh)

One more thing

Did you know 450 hot dogs are consumed every SECOND? Do you know how many seconds there are in a day? A month? How about a year? That is phenomenal.

And did you know that over 8 BILLION animals are slaughtered every year to unnecessarily satiate needless palates? That is the worlds population plus 2 billion every fucking year. And in 10 years it will be 16 BILLION animals that suffer in dark little places that no one sees or even cares to think about because they want their meat.

Sometimes I get a split second thought that no one eats meat because it's so putrid and morbid but then I remember; I'm wrong. MOST people eat meat and only because they know no different.

like I used to be. Until I opened my eyes and read. Unbelievable.

Does this happen to bother anyone else?

Sunday=Funday Monday=F***day

My man and I went rafting yesterday down the American River on his inflatable kayaks . It was totally awesome (to sound valley-ish). I wanted to buy some beer but Kevin was already disappointed in me for drinking Friday night so i wimpely opted for Propel instead.

Big mistake.

As soon as my boat hit the water, my mouth started watering for a coors light. Yes, nothing good or expensive because rafting down the river reminds me of my younger days...and in my younger days I drank the Silver Bullet.

And wouldn't you know it? Every single raft we passed had oodles of beer. One even offered me one after my pathetic comment of "are you gonna drink all that?" Too much pride so I sadly declined. Besides, one is worse. And really, why am i being so immature that i can't go ONE DAY DOWN THE RIVER without a beer?

But i've never been down this river sober, so I figured I'd take advantage of it. It was sooo pretty, breezy, cool, rapidy and fun. The houses along the river are amazingly huge and expensive with wicked cool decks that reach the rivers edge. Most of them, don't utilize their luckiness of being by the water, but a few did have stairs that went right down the bank. How cool would that be? Huh?

Anyway, I forgot to put sunscreen on my legs, Lord knows why, so I'm red hot today. Only from mid-thigh down.

ouch.

Snow! In June!!

Ugh...I shoot up in bed, worrying that I lost my digital camera and that's the only thing that got me up at the ungodly hour of 9am.

I call Dena and mumble something about how I'll be ready in an hour. So I drink as much Propel as I can, pop a few just-in-case aspirin & vitamins and eat.

Wow. I feel amazingly normal after a night of just one too many beers. Must be all the working out I've been doing. I load up my boy and head out.

The drive to Tahoe is gorgeous. We question out loud if there would still be snow up there but there can be no way; it's June, for cripes sake!

But there was. And lots of it. The dogs loved it but my sneakers and soaking wet feet did not. However, I made a committment to work out so workout we would do. And workout we did. As you can see from the photos below, we had some seroius hills to attack. Coming down was no treat but we took the chance of wrenching our bodies and actually "ski'ed" down them in our tennies. even the dogs slipped and slid...

But we sweated and burned off most of what we consumed and THAT makes it all worth it!

Damn!
Our view!
Somebody's happy!
Check out Kody...he's doin' the 'crazy run' from too much elation...
These little flowers are EVERYWHERE...they're dainty and every shade of purple. Very pretty.

bye bye diet...hellooooo belly!

It's Friday. It's been a looong week. Momma wants a beer. I know, I know...wine is way better but I can't stand the little coat it leaves on my tongue. ick. I love wine with a good dinner but not to party on.

So we went to the concert in the park. No one really goes for the music because you can't hear it from the beer garden. It's more like a background beat. People come here for a reason to party. It's not like you can have just beer and people show up. Well...Okay, they probably would but that would make Sacramento look pretty lame. "hey! It's beer garden Friday! See you there!"

it's packed and the line for beer tickets is uber long. But we wait anyway. Then we wait in another long line for the actual beer (don't ask) when we run in to some people we met at a St. Patricks day party. I was instantly drawn in to these people because one of their group, Karen, made the most wrongest, morally wrong, funniest comment I've ever heard. We were talking about smoking and somehow pregnancy came up. She said "Oh yeah...smoking while you're pregnant is great because it makes for low birth rate which equals less labor pain!"

So they're our new friends. We discuss going to an after-the-concert-in-the-park party; but not before waiting in the one hour line to pee. src="http://photos1.blogger.com/img/137/5887/400/DSC00228.jpg" width="242" />

Aaaanyway, off we go... (cool pix, eh?) Oh and we have a new friend to our collection: Jen! Aww...sweet girl, very funny and fun. It was too bad she had to drive home because we could've stayed out allll night!

But we didn't. We left when Dena said I was trying to focus on her face and the floor at the same time. "I drunk..." I whisper which really means 'it's time to go'...

I told Dena before she dropped me off that I will call her when I wake up because I'm not making an effort to get up early...and so I crawl in to bed, with my underwear and my puppy, to sleep off one fun-filled evening...

Random thought

They had a high school band at the graduation ceremony playing all the common songs for all the graduates.

I watched the band for a few minutes and leaned over to my brother and whispered a sort of rhetorical question of 'how does one person come to the conclusion that they want to play the cymbals?' *

I mean, you can't whip out a tune when you're inspired to write, can you?

Can you play a song for your friend and say "hey! check it out...what song is this?"

"uuuuh....i don't know??"

"Bob Seger, you moron...God!"

How do you warm up? Do you slam them together a few times and then you're ready? I wonder what the sheet music looks like...

My brother bought a beautiful violin on ebay for $45. Now, THAT'S a sweet instrument...

(*apologizing WAY in advance if I've insulted someone...a bad that comes with blogging your thoughts)

I did run today. 3 laps. Only stopped twice. THAT'S amazing. I fell asleep at 7:40 last night, crawled in to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 5am. how's that for lame? I totally kicked my toe on the silver slidey thing that the shower door slides on this morning and that fucker is STILL hurting. oh God. why does it get more and more painful until it's searing through your whole body before it finally subsides in to a dull throbbing feeling?

Tonight is the concert in the park.

I'm having wine.

Struedel and Brownies and French Fries, oh my!

Yeah..that's right. I ate them all. But here's how the trouble started:

Our new boss was having a "Welcome Me!" meeting and she brought in 'bite size' strawberry streudel and chocolatey, velvety, moistey, almost black, brownie bites to buy our love. I didn't even consider having one until the work day draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagged on so unbelievably. Who doesn't eat out of boredom? So I rationalized that I'd have half a bite of the bite size struedel and just not swallow it. Gross I know, but those of us trying to lose weight, kinda understand. Well, I really did realize the grossness of that so I said 'what the hell' and swallowed it. That just opens the gates, doesn't it? Brownies are really my fav and I'd rather have THAT sinful flavor left on my tongue than a struedel so I ate a brownie bite. But there was half that struedel left on my desk and since I had the first half and a brownie bite, why not? Then I was right back where I started from so I ate 3 more brownie bites.

Where do the french fries come in, you ask? I attended my beautiful nephews graduation last night at arco arena. I was told in advance this would be a 3 hour deal so I am now mentally preparing myself. It was raining and they wouldn't even let us in so we had to stand outside and wait. When we get in we immediately grab our 10 seat and make it clear to all others, you ain't sittin here...my nephew's mom, Sarah* and her partner Amy*, show up. The three of us together equal an age of probably 3.

It's gonna be a loooong night.

And it was. The principal sermoned for what seemed like 2 hours. My other brother and I got up and walked around the arena and that's when I got the fries. what the hell...I was bored and kinda hungry. Ever see a puppy attack it's feeding bowl when you fill it for him/her? That was me with the fries...not a pretty sight.

Back in our seats, Sarah and Amy are now beyond silly; and, as usual, I'm easily sucked right in. We make lame-ass jokes that only we find funny. My brother, my nephews dad who's sitting behind us, makes little comments here and there...like a little boy too who's joining in on the immature fun.

I think it's 4 hours later by now and they are FINALLY calling out the diploma names, we kept our jokes moving along (some VEEEEEEEEEEERY funny names out there) . Sarah was drinking her water when I said something she found funny and she spit a little bit of the water out on the people in front of us.

no lie.

I have a picture on my cell phone to prove it. It's very common for people to slowly move away from us whenever we're in a public setting.

I finally got home around 1am and read til 1:30 so getting up at 5am was simply out of the question. And even though I slept in, I did get up and run my 2.7 miles...so eating lots of crap yesterday: bad - sticking to my workout: a real miracle!

does anyone else get that delish feeling when they clean their ears with a q-tip? or cough? what up with that?

Boring Blog

I don't have much to say today...got up at 4:45am to do Slim in Six and i wanted to punch that dimple-faced bitch right in the nose.

"Hold in your tummy!" "Don't forget to breathe"

"Now do 800 impossible, gut-wrenching sit-ups in every possible way your stomach can move!"

This really is not fun at 5am; trust me on that. But the sound of my coffee maker turning on made me feel better - i knew this would all be over soon.

Has it really only been 3 days? Why does it feel like 3 weeks?

Shoe lovers beware - Contains graphic photo!

I'm trying to clean today and that means gathering all the shoes Kody has drug around, for his pleasure, and put them "away"...

I am so dude. I am. I am a man trapped in a womans body...becuase what woman would store her shoes like this!!!

diet food?

I started to eat my fabulous lunch when i thought "I should take a picture of this masterpiece!" (so excuse the bites i already took)


This is two corn tortillas fill with crushed cumin-laced black beans, chopped scallions, cilantro, avocado, tomatoes, tomatillo salsa, black olives, white onions and argula from my garden. DAMN I'm good...

(see Tabitha? this is why you want a digital camera...to take pictures of shit that means nothing to anyone)

i wanna beer.

Holy BeJesus

I just got back from a quick run to the store in my grubbies and it reminded me of a time I was in sort of the same attire about a year ago. Except that time, I was braless.

"No Bra!" you say shockingly?? I was just running to the store for one quickie little item.

You aren't the only shocked one either. When I came out of the store, a somewhat handsome young gentleman looked right at my mammies and said "Holy BeJesus!"

Holy BeJesus! Who says BeJesus anyway? I couldn't even comment back as I was in shock at someone so bold and excited to not even try to hide his delightful discovery.

now mind you, I'm a large A, maaaybe a swollen B with this lovely extra weight; but, I am no 'Holy BeJesus!'...

off to run. with my jogbra...

My First Day

Ugh. That’s my word for today. Ugh.

I took full advantage of this past weekend knowing Monday (today) would be a day to dread. I should change my attitude and make this whole diet/exercise thing a very positive one. But why lie? I hate working out. I hate being disciplined and I hate limiting myself from all the sinful joys I’ve grown to supremely love.

In other words, I fully embrace my Hedonistic religion.

So I sit here, hung-over from last nights Baskin Robbins and pizza, typing my first journal entry of my new life, and worry about my ability to commit to this plan. After all, it is my 4,338 thousandth attempt. But, alas, I am down to my last two pair of pants that don’t cut off the circulation between my upper and lower torso and just days away from living in sweats full time. You’d think I’d be thrilled…

So I set my alarm for 5am and was optimistic that I would actually arise at this hour. And I did. So far, so good. (Surprisingly, I had a harder time getting Kevin up. He’s such an avid worker outer too. Sicko.)

I put on my sweats, sneaks, jog bra and large t-shirt to hide excess fat from said jog bra. I think my sweats just groaned too. They’re used to covering fat, not melting it.

The only one excited here is Kody and now, Kevin. (Sickos)

5:15 am…out the door.

I like to walk first. One must warm up and not over-strain the once sedentary body. My goal is to do 3 laps around the park; but, already I’m wondering if maybe I should just do two. Again: Not a good idea to over-strain. It’s about a 5 minute walk to the park and there’s never anybody there which is always good. I don’t like lots of people to see how much pain I’m in. I mean, is jogging/running not just the WORST sport ever? (I apologize in advance if I’ve insulted those that love it) Your poor little feet have to bear the brunt of your entire body over and over and over and over. It hurts to breathe. Where’s that zone everyone talks about? You know; where you supposedly feel really high?

That’s where I want to be from warm up to cool down…

I pick up the pace to a slow jog. More like a wog. This is a good pace because I barely lift my feet. It’s like a bouncy walk. Yes, yes…a bouncy walk; so, actually I’m balking not wogging. Certainly not jogging or running. Ugh. I’m two minutes in to my balk and things are starting to itch. My butt. My thighs. My bikini line. My back fat. My back fat? Oh my God, yes…I can feel the fat in my back. In fact, I can feel fat in places I didn’t know fat cells could survive. My breath is labored, my lungs are hurting. I hear things cracking; even Kody’s leash is becoming burdensome.

“Good for her!” is what people are thinking as you run by them…Good for that fat girl for getting out and trying to lose that weight…f*** off.

But I plug on because at 39 years old I have no choice. I’ve been promising my self for the last 8 years I’d lose these last few pounds (few, as in 20). This is my year. What a great way to ring in 40 – thin, toned and younger looking.

One lap: done. Things still itching, breathing not as painful. Kody becoming a bit more irritating. Kevin able to carry on conversation, me able to grunt responses.

Two laps: done. One more…wow, only one more. We’re 2/3rd’s of the way done. Kody’s cuter, Kevins more charming, can’t feel breath…still itchy and don’t care who sees my hands down my pants.

Three laps…I did 3 laps and I didn’t die!! And even better? I now have the whole day in front of me without that daunting thought of ‘Ugh…I need to work out…’ because I already did. Wow…not bad.

One day down, 59 more to go…

The Heritage Festival

We went to the Heritage Festival Saturday which is sort of like a mini Woodstock. Very mini. And without any possible potential for historical impact. And without the thousands of cool people.

Okay so it’s nothing like Woodstock except it is an outside concert; BUT, it was fun, nonetheless.

I claimed this day as mine. My last day to get completely hammered, do things I should be embarrassed over and spend the next day licking my wounds, watching endless movies on my couch with my wonderful hangover dog and eating tons of crap food.

The festival looks to be quite fun as the first item on my agenda was to buy beer. “Mmm…beer good” - Homer. I buy beer; my friends buy food. Stupid friends. I buy another beer. And one more in case the first two don’t take. But they did and this one did too. This park, FYI, is right next to the river so you can see boats dropping anchor and kicking back to hear the music. It’s such a great feeling and it makes it really easy to live in the now, the way the self-help gurus tell you to live, especially when the ‘now’ has beer, music, friends and strangers. (Part of the hedonistic religion which keeps me faithful)

Things done on this day:

Roll down hill after 4th beer – get very nauseous. Hence the reason this game is reserved for 6 year olds and under

Kick guy in butt that you barely know to say ‘hi’. Receive displeasing look.

Make out with a tree and get a picture of it

Mention big toe in butt fetish (not mine nor anyone I know – you had to be there)

Show breasts (not mine but someone I know – now you wish you were there!)

Pretend to be really drunk in front of cops. Note to self: do not act drunk in front of cops

“borrow” long, skinny bright orange safety cone and yell at people to keep their distance

Stand really close to a guy in front of you in the beer line to be funny. Another note to self: Not funny.

Getting too hammered, chasing friend around park and eventually parking lot.

Get ride home from very patient, tolerant and loving boyfriend

Well, that’s about it in a nuttyshell. I’ll post some pictures later when I get home…


A Gaggle of Girls have a Grand ol' time...


And Dena expressing her love for me..."Hugs & kisses back to you babe!!"


My cone!!! (and some random guy passing through who wanted to ham it up...)


"I now pronounce you Trunk and wife"...hope you don't mind honey!!!


What a party! (can you spot Dena?)

Fear not everybody...

...i got some hair conditioner. thanks for all your concerns though...





kidding of course. no one really expressed any care for my dry, brittle hair...pppbbbttth...

Stylin'...

I'm not lookin' too hot today. I keep forgetting I'm out of conditioner so my hair looks like an overdone perm. I decided last minute I'd wear my capris (for the fellas, which I have so many followers...ahem...that is severe flood water pants) and I had to shave my legs but for some reason I was too lazy and only shaved half way up. Please don't ask me why becuase I don't have an answer for you.

And to top off my modelesque-style look, I'm wearing open toed sandals with *GASP* un-polished toes...

I'm just glad I forgot my digital camera today or you'd get a shot that would make your eyes water.

I have 3 days left to be bad and I'm doing such a good job at it...I sure as shit hope I can be this good for my upcoming diet. Because I'm running out of pants to wear...and I refuse to go up another size. Which reminds me of a date I went on a few years ago...

I met him on-line (yes I did the on-line thing and it's actually really cool becuase you know so much about them before you meet them unlike meeting someone on the streets or in a bar) and I knew the minute he walked in to the restaurant that this would be the first and last date. But I always make the best of it becuase, well, I'm here and everyone has something interesting to say. At the time, I was on the high-protein diet (during my carnivorous days..mmmm...) He asked me why I wasn't eating the potatoes or the bread.

I explained.

"Yeah...I love bread and potatoes but I have to lose some weight."

"Can I have your potatoes then?"

"Sure! Can I have half your fish?"

"umm...no"

"you know, I used to be a size 6 and now I'm an 11...I'd like to get back to my 6."

"Sooo...you've nearly doubled in size???"

Doubled in size? DOUBLED IN SIZE??? Do I look like someone who's doubled in size? What the hell did he think I was before, invisible? I'm not THAT fat! Jesum Crow...It suddenly became clear why this person was still single. He also solidly proved my point that everyone really does have something interesting to say.

And I ate his fish...

Uh oh...

Okay so I just talked to my mother on the phone. She lives 800 miles away and she can still penetrate my life. She told me a story that took my breath away, but only because it was about me: don't think you'll be breathless. When I was a little girl of just six years old, we (me, my mother, my great aunt Agnes and Theresa) went to the mall in Massachusetts. I wanted to go somewhere within the mall and they wanted to go home. So at 6 years old, and not liking to be told what to do at this ripe age, must have said in my mind “No! I want to do this and so I will!” and I left. I left my safety net. I left my mother and my great aunt Theresa and Agnes standing there watching this 6 year old little girl take off. And apparently I left with no fear. My mom followed behind me, without me knowing, and she said I literally scared her. How odd, she thought, that a 6 year old would take off and never look back. And that’s been my problem ever since. I walk off a lot and I never look back. I leave lovers, friends, jobs, goals, joys, and dreams that I fear will never fulfill my "hole" or that emptiness that calls for something and I never look back. But I found this odd that this trait started as early as 6 years old??? I'm 39...! This age it's understandable...but at 6???

(by the way, i'm eating a veggie corn-dog and am suddenly excited at the prospect of the upcoming August California State Fair. No. I don't work for them and, also, we convinced them to never have elephant rides again...!)

So my Mom thinks i have a problem with letting people get close to me. And I do. Because love can really equal some mind-numbing pain. Are you with me here??

You know, I'd really love all my blogs to be hilarious. So funny they make people pee their pants but usually those that can make people laugh til they pee have stories that can make people cry.

This story, by no means, is a tear jerker but, boy, if i could just bend your ear...

Aaah...the joys of life...Can i really quit drinking and eating to slim down when food & drink provide me such easy, hopeful, non-judgemental and non-heartwrenching pleasure?

Stay tuned...

Haiku for you

I love my man so
He's feeling left out today
So this is for him

Wild Oats

..has agreed to sell Cageless eggs only!! YEAH!!! FYI - chickens, in our society, are the most poorly treated animal ever. (sorry...this blog no funny) And the agriculture industry makes a 500% effort to ensure you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. And what goes on behind closed doors ain't pretty...most human beings would not find this treatment acceptable.

for more info on battery hens, feel free to visit: http://www.hsus.org/farm_animals/

peace out...

You Bloggers inspire me - Here's my list!

I've chosen 49 things. 49 for my man's favorite team.

i have 4 more days to eat, drink and be merry...

1. When I see those mouse glue traps, I throw them away. (I know mice can be a problem but nothing deserves to die that way)
2. I spoke fluent German. Course, how fluent can one be from 3 to 6?
3. I know how to snowboard, scuba dive, rock climb and rollerblade.
4. Aside from being impressed by #3, I am super-ass lazy.
5. I bruise easy
6. I eat oreo cookies, in the dark, with my eyes closed…
7. I can’t work anymore; there are too many blogs to read.
8. I send, at least, one animal rights letter a week.
9. My license plate frame states “Meat’s no treat for those you eat!”
10. I only vote for animal issues (please, no hate comments. I did vote in the last presidential election…a lot good THAT did!)
11. I spent one night in jail
12. I hold the most suspensions on record at my high school in New Hampshire.
13. I used to be in a band and I can play the piano (no virtuoso though)
14. I have my first dogs ashes on my fireplace and I talk to him every once in a while
15. My current dog does not like that I talk to my first dog
16. Some of my toes barely uncurled from birth
17. I stole my brothers car when I was 13 and almost crashed it
18. I’ve seen Pink Floyd 5 times, AC/DC 3 times
19. I met Joe Montana at a bar and he was a total asshole
20. I can say about 15 words in one burp
21. I drank 15 beers one time (21 not related to 20)
22. I will freak out if there is a stray hair on the back of my arm or in my bra.
23. I was an extra in Homeward Bound 2.
24. I love to use the word “I”.
25. My first concert was Cheap Trick. I got so drunk I passed out right after they threw the “Kiss” record out.
26. I am the 6th of six. My parents got divorced, remarried and had me.
27. I’ve lived in Maine, New Hampshire, Washington, Maryland, Germany and finally California.
28. I have to wear underwear to bed.
29. I once cut my hair in to a serious mullet when I was hammered. That was, sadly, only one year ago.
30. I will vomit if I see someone else vomit. (well...who wouldn't?)
31. I stole two dogs from the dog pound night drop and found them homes (I even set off the alarm)
32. I smoke Shermans when I drink.
33. I’ve seen Twister probably 25 times. I wanna be Helen Hunt (See #29 – I originally just wanted her bangs..it went too far…it just went too far)
34. I still email my high school buddies from back east.
35. I rubbed poison oak on my skin to see if I would get it – I didn’t.
36. I almost drowned when I was 3 by a huge wave at some beach.
37. I save ants out of my shower (but I smoosh hairy spiders…)
38. I teepee’d for the first time at 36
39. I’m a notary public
40. I straightened my own two front teeth using my girlfriend’s rubberbands that she used for her braces.
41. My childhood home is shown in Google Images under South Berwick, Maine Bed & Breakfast (on Academy Street)
42. I love to drink on Sundays (denial about the coming Monday?)
43. I never carry cash
44. I pierced my one ear by myself
45. I won 3rd place in my school spelling bee. I blew it in the state on ‘parcel’. I hate that word.
46. My favorite drink is a White Russian
47. My favorite non-alcoholic drink is Starbucks iced soy mocha
48. I have to have nitrous just for a teeth cleaning
49. I’ve realized I’m not that interesting.

Okay...today i've promised myself, as i sit in my hangover of blogging WAAAAAAAAY too much yesterday, that i will work at the job i get paid for.

I'm not happy about that.

One of my animal rescues...

Hey! Today I was interviewed by KFBK at the "Happy Cow" protest in Sacramento. I was smashing, i must say. Course, they'll probably quote me as simply saying "no...those cows aren't all that happy..."

But on my way back to work, i saw an elephant stuck in this tiny little pen...it brought tears to my eyes. I had to do something so I released him/her...that's right. I set him/her free...

I feel better.


FREE AT LAST!!!

My night...

My dog woke me up last night around midnight with his subtle, high-pitch whine. I usually lay there for like 10 minutes in a state of confusion until I realize he must really need something. So I reluctantly get up and, of course, step on something he's chewed on earlier, which he always magically creates in to something sharp and painful.

"Aaagh!"

I let him out and it was obvious this was most necessary.

Well...while i'm up and have 5 days left, I might as well eat as much sugar as I can! I'm smart like this...but at 12:04 it probably wasn't too smart to eat a piece of dry bread with peanut butter..."nyup! nyuuup! nyuuuup!" I shrug becuase who cares; i'm eating.

(here's the culprit standing guiltily over his 'victim'...ain't he just so cute though???)