Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I'm kicking names and taking asses in this year.

My goals for 2011: be fit, be happy and be in love.

I will accept NO less.

Monday, December 27, 2010

For you...

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo Buscaglia

I'm inspired and I can thank you for that : )

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love;

but the greatest of them all is love...

I've loved before. They've been paper-fire kinda loves. Hot & heavy and then quickly died out. I've only really had one love that the above words could warrant and yet it still died out.

Not sure it's even really possible. I think i'm broken. Like all the Shirley's. we're broken. It's hard to go through life knowing no one is capable of loving you for just who you are. And I can't blame the people I've loved becuase I am a horrible handful. A weird upbringing, peppered with drugs and alcohol that I needed to help me just survive.

only to be 44 and still peppered with alcohol (sans drugs thank God)...I've come so fucking far and yet I'm still nowhere.

think i'm feeling sorry for myself? no. Just realizing. And I'm really sad.

This morning, on Christmas day, I tried to find a reason to get out of bed and i could find none. I'm only out of bed because of Kody. He needs me. He loves me. And he's 11. soon he'll be gone and then what will be my reason?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

ho hum

not really much to report. i drank one day without my pill and it was the usual crap.

i havne't been drinking the last few days because i'm pretty down. it doen'st even sound good and that worries me. hahaha....

it's kinda weird talking about drinking so much but i suppose i watned to blog about the a(e)ffects of naltrexone so i would be talking a lot about it. as usual, i need to lose weight too and alcohol is the #1 reason why i'm not.

not exercising a close 2nd.

i read about Lindsey Lohan ( i really typing this?) snuck out of rehab with some rehab buddies to go party. She's so young and already has a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong life ahead of her struggling with this malady. even at her age i got sober and took it serious.

she's fucked.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I took my pill a little too late yesterday when I met my friend Dena at the downtown Irish pub becuase on my 2nd beer i had that 'feeling' of wanting a hundred more.

But at sushi, i had one more and then didn't want antoher after that and iddn't want the two bottles of wine at home. so I'm seeing it's important for me to take my pill EARLY. tnoight we're having happy hour at a friends house so i'll be sure to take my pill well in advance.

I don't want to go to work today. it's rainy and cold. I wanna win the lottery and stay home.

Monday, December 13, 2010


And I'm not hungover; nor am i 'fuzzy' nor am i anything that's alcohol-related. Know why? I DIDN'T DRINK YESTERDAY!

Sunday is my drinking day (*although gathering from this blog over the last 6 years, every day is pretty much my drinking day) - there's football, fires in the fireplace, chores, cooking, cleaning...that just goes hand in hand with drinking!

i don't know WHAT'S going on. I can't be "cured" in one week, can i? but i absolutely have zero interest in drinking. ZERO! Usually when i wake up on sunday morning i eventually, within the first 5 minutes, say "I'n not going to drink today", knowing full-well i will.

i didn't even say that to myself yesterday.

anyway, gotta take the boy for a walk and go to work. yay?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Saturday in the Hills

Yesterday, Janet and I drove up to Foresthill to visit Dena. it was a GORGEOUS day and a beautiful ride up. She mentioned she wanted to stop by the local bar on the way home just for a cold beer.

At Dena's i took my pill and then hung out for an hourish touring the property and the neighborhood. if i didn't have a fucking job downtown sac i would live up there in a HEARTBEAT! i love the mountains, the trees, the smells, the locals, the small grocery stores and post offices and's like stepping back in time.

anyway, on our way home, true to her wish, we stopped at The Red Dirt and had a beer. on our way home she wanted to go to Tallac and play shuffle board and some darts. Of course I agreed but while driving home, I started thinking about actually sitting down and partying all night. didn't sound so good. what sounded good was a nice dinner, some good tv and early to bed.

who the fuck have i become?

I don't care becuase i like her. and today is sunday, my drinking day and that's the last thing i wanna do.

My fear was if i didn't enjoy drinking while taking this pill, then i might just, even if only on occasion, not take the pill. I am finding that is not the case; but, you must know...i have been unhappy and miserable with my drinking for quite a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time so I'm probably overdue and overdue drunks might do better on this pill then someone who isn't "finished". either way, I don't care...odds are always against me that something will actually work for me -

and maybe my luck is changing...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

1st Full Dose

Before I explain the evening (just for fun)...I am fucking shocked, amazed, excited and VERY pleased because last night I was the soberest one in our group. If you think this is no big deal, let me say, while embarrassing myself, that pretty much EVERY time I go out with the girls, I am, 100% gauranteed, going to black out. That's the part of the addiction I'm trying to erase. The part that's hedonistic and over-stimulated with having fun that I don't know when to stop.

AND I got prettteeeh, pretteeeh, pretteh buzzed. Just not fall-down sloshy drunk.


So Janet and I went out first, of course, around 4pm. Sally met us at 5:30, Dena 6:30 and shayshay shortly thereafter. Becuase we are the funnest and funniest group of Golden Girls we usually attract the young boys who are desperate for girl attention but can't hold attention spans of the younguns. And they're just so shocked at some of the shit we say & do and I love it. A plug for naltrexone, I got to watch it all happen! YES!....As the night goes on a fight breaks out with one of my girls and one of the cute boys, cute boy trying his hardest to calm Momma Bear down. I had to run after Momma Bear to calm her down and i did by saying we would so leave and go somewhere else.

When we get to the 2nd place Friend #1 is so drunk she's spilling drinks on people (in her defense it was PACKED HERE; but, I'm pretty sure if there was only one person and he was at the end of the bar, she would have spilled on him too) Friend #2 has her last drink, she's calmed down and Friend #3 and #2 are chatting. I see #3 start crying, #2 consoling and #1 slurring heavily. I tell #1 we're calling and cab and, much to my surprise got an immediate "Yup!".

But #1 says #2 can probably drive us home and I agree as #2 is usually the soberish one of the group. While we're all walking out to the car, #1 has a change of heart and wants to drive home. I'm not even concerned at this point becuase that's the funniest slurred sentence i've heard in a long time. I just tell her Uh uh, no way and she makes the statement one more time while opening the back of her truck. then she falls and ROLLS UNDER THE CAR BESIDE HER and I shake my head, point at her adn say "yeah...she's driving us home"...hahahah...that was so funny.

At #1's house, #1 rolls out of the car and on to her driveway and before i get a chance to get out to help her I get a call from #3 saying she's at my house, needs to pee and needs a cigarette. I tell her to just pee in my yard and as soon as I help #1, we're on our way. I get #1 up and in her house and #2 takes me home.

I get home; no #3. Is she peeing in the wrong yard??? did she get THAT impatient she just left?? aah....I'm just too exhausted and worn out to try and figure it out so I go inside, heat up some soup and watch some curb.

And then I revel in the fact that I, for the first time in I cannot remember, was the one that had to chase the crazies, pick up the fallies and put mySELF to bed. It was a good night, in more ways than just fun....

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

2nd dose

I had a SHITTY day at work and that's only becuase my ex said something that pissed me off, i couldn't, at the time, figure out how to load a SIMPLE software program and I'm pmsing. on top of menopausing.

So i acutally drove home at 2:40 to get my alcohol pill (*changed purses and didn't put them in) becuase i KNEW i'd be drinking.

So i'm on my 2nd glass of wine and am now getting buzzed. i didn't get buzzed on the first glass which is unusual so my concern was "will i never be able to get buzzed??" becuase if that's the case, well this just ain't for me. i LIVE for the buzz.

now i'm on my 2nd and i'm buzzed. but in a weird way. i can't really explain it. it's almost like i'm full. and you know when you eat a big meal and try to drink you ccan't get drunk becuase you're too full? well that's what it feels like minus that fat belly.

I'm worried but not enough to stop. it's only been TWO DAYS FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD! however i am meeting an old drinking buddy tomorrow at noon and i'd love to get shitty ass drunk. Maybe this pill will let me just get shit drunk.

we'll see. report at 5.

Monday, December 06, 2010


I don't have many first times left in my life but today is the first time taking Naltrexone. .25mg.

it was so not hard getting the prescription; in fact, the dr. applauded me for looking for help and/or ways to not be such an alcoholic!

Today is the Patriots game and I planned on drinking tonight. it was looking like i wans't going to get the prescription today as the doctor wanted a urine test to ensure I had no opioids in my system. I begged and assured him HELL to the no~! i HATE opiates. I've had 2 xanax's in my purse for almost a year now. tha'ts from a prescription of 10 and the 4 i took were to calm me for my flight to St. Maarten and the other 4 i gave away.

I'm convincing and I got my script.

But it was a pretty sad display of behavior since i had to go to THREE places to get this filled. I could have easily just had Target order it, have it filled by tomorrow but i PLANNED ON PARTYING TONIGHT!!!


So my lingering question is you're supposed to drink while on naltrexone to "unlearn" your behavior. Eventually, you don't feel the same as you do before pre-nal.

i'm afraid i'll sinply just not take the naltrexone so i can GET that feeling...But i'm going to try.


5 white russians. i'm drunk but not GROSS drunk. Placebo? i don't care...i'm not gross drunk. borderline tho...hahaha...time to take my clothes off!

Saturday, December 04, 2010

I am an alcoholic

I have been an alcoholic since i was probably 13 / 14 years old. I would never bore myself with the history of how I got here, today, as an out-of-control drinker. And when I go to the doctor for whatever reason, they ask me if I want help with my drinking. Do i want to talk to a psychiatrist, go to rehab, attend meetings and I always say, with true honesty, no.

I don't want to quit drinking. I LOVE to drink. I love all the charm, warmth and joy that comes with drinking; I just cannot stop at that point. It's like a switch goes off in my head and i absolutely HAVE to continue drinking. It's not a scary thing, in the just happens. No matter how much I tell myself it WON'T happen this time, it, more often than not, does.

So, by some miracle in the universe, my exasperated and helpless brother sent me an iphone app (LOVE iphone) about a treatment for alcoholics called The Sinclair Method. I perused the site here and there mildly interested. Then I decided I would at least order the book.

I just read it cover to cover and I am absolutely convinced this is EXACTLY what I would be looking for if I knew what i was looking for. In a nutshell, one can drink socially while taking this medication. And that is all i ever wanted...

Monday, I'm making my appt and if i have to take hostages to get that prescription, well that's just what I'll do.