fuckin a!

today is another great day! i wanna say i'm shocked at how good i feel; but, i don't want to judge it. I want to happily expect greatness and not fear it will soon end because no matter what happens; i will be stable in my mind.

Life is good.

RAW!

I'm going to incorporate a few raw meals in to my diet the next few days. I'd like to juice too but i still remember my last experience years ago juicing. it was not pretty and let's just say some vomiting was involved. yuk. i hate juice really. i think it's TOO healthy for my body. but vodka...yes...that's okay. hahha...

well at least it was.

so today i'm making a carrot coriander soup. i borrowed my brothers vitamix since tha'ts the best tool to use for raw food recipes and it's super expensive so i'll make do with the freebie. i'm not fond of carrots but this contains an avocado and that could make poop taste good.

My car battery was acting up so i called AAA. they deduced that it was my alternator. i took it to Black Rock today and they deduced that they have no idea what the problem is. So, my car clicks when i try to start it and then it eventually turns over and black rock charged me NOTHING for the testing so I'll just have to ride on that for a bit. it's a 96, has a 150K but it is a toyota. it can easily go 250 with minimal issues but again i am faced with what to do. and i'm faced with what i want if i do buy. i'm kinda leaning towards a Tundra. Chicks look cool in trucks and trucks are just handy. although i would love a convertible. lots of problems with convertibles. you have to leave them unlocked so assholes don't slice your top to get in....and if you know me, you know i leave half my life in my car. then there's the ever-popular SUV which i love. but which one? highlander is too expensive, pilot is too cheap. fords break down and chevys are no better. speaking of...did you see that commercial for the Journey? they left it in one spot and if you can find it, you can HAVE it!!! it's in tahoe somewhere...i need to rent a helicopter. cheaper than buying a car. (although upon some research, one has already been found. there is 3, i think and the others are not in tahoe...booooo!!)

i'm back to work on October 3rd. I'm not going to be shy when i go back either. I'm going to let my bosses know exactly how i feel, who i am and what my intentions are which is to quit and/or find another job. I have no fear anymore about pursuing any dream in my talented mind. i really don't. I can go anywhere, do anything and have minimal consequences. But I'll do it slowly and play my cards right, cautiously but with fierceness.

hooray for me!!!

Not as promised...

but just as funny...

As promised...

He's gotta be RIGHT in your face!

He has no idea the danger he's in.

Billy

I'm watching my brothers beagle while he's in new hampshire. He's a funny little guy. He is exactly the shape of a tube. when he lays on his belly, it still feels like i'm petting his back. and the reason for his shape is this is one excited little doggy when it is food time. My GOD! he only expresses what I want to when I eat! He wags his tail, jumps on my leg, spins in circle, licks his lips, runs to his spot, spins in more circles; I'll tell you...it cracks me up every time.

He's also veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery affectionate. Now i've had Kody for 11 years and he has really trained me to accept a non-nuzzley dog so (feeling guilty) Billy actually irritates me with his neediness. So much so, i had to put up the baby gate at night becuase he sleeps RIGHT in the middle of the bed as close to me as he can.

Another funny thing about Billy is he likes to get RIGHT in your face and stare at you. i'm talking a pencils width from your nose to his. He doesn't lick, doesn't touch you - just stares. i'll get a pix of it later and post it...

Last night, i went to a meetup meditation thing becuase I am trying to make meditation a part of my every day routine and group meditation is actually quite nice. Now, let me preface this story with the fact that I really like Eastern religion. The people always seem so kind and at peace; so much so, I really don't fit in but it's something i obviously crave and want to be so I go. And this groups tenet is buddhism. Their 'string' is worshiping Tara, a female Buddha, the Holy Mother. As I recited the 21 verses for the 3rd time, I kept having the thought of "Thou shalt not have other gods before Me" so I got a little uncomfortable. and fearful.

What attracted me to this venue was if you say these 21 versus, 3 times in a row, 6 times a day you can have anything you want; a loving relationship, peace of mind and last but first, wealth. Ironically, if I achieved the state of enlightenment of a buddha I wouldn't want riches so out the window that went. Me want money.

I'll stick to my guided meditation for now and keep searching...my happiness, joy, riches and love is out there and it is near; i can feel it : )

Mental Health Day

hahahah...yes i'm taking a mental health day. you'd think 2.5 months would be enough mental health days but on those days i was simply mental.

Took Kody to the vet yesterday and she was highly impressed with his state of health so i cried all morning for nothing. i SAID i wasn't going to do that but the burden of the thought was overwhelming and i gave in to it. Yes, the pooping is due to old age but it's not an indication of the end. And the lump on his back that i refuse to get tested in case it's bad news is nothing she said. YAY!!!

I have been dreaming about Viggo several times a week. WTF is up with that! This morning, we were on a plane and i had my head on his shoulder. I looked at him reading, whispered in his ear that i loved him and he turned to look at me, squared himself off and stared me straight in the eyes and told me he loved me too. GOD how awesome.

Course later i was in new york, driving down the street and he was crossing in front of me and a tornado was coming. I told him to get in the car so we could seek refuge. when he got in I asked if we could have sex and he said no. hahaha...fickle fucker.

So today i'm riding my bike to Folsom and back (like now before it's a hundred degrees), taking Kody swimming for a few hours and then getting a massage. When i get home i'll clean the shit out of this place becuase it has bits and pieces of mess everywhere.

yeah...good day.

later...

rode 32 miles and saved a snake off the trail. is that a rattler?

My Boy

Kody's not doing very well. He's been pooping in the house daily and yesterday I saw him try to eat it. I try not to cry thinking about the inevitable but this morning I couldn't help myself.

I just don't knowwhat i'll do when he leaves...he will leave the biggest gaping hole in my life i'm afraid i've ever experienced. and NOTHING can come close to filling that.

I'll just pray he gives me at least another year with him. I'm just starting to get better; i need more foundation. WAAAAAAAAAY more foundation.

Love this song

I"ve had this song in my head for days...i searched coldplay over and over thinking it was them and realized it's The Cinematic Orchestra which i also have...they sound SO much like Coldplay.

anyway. enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB0ordd2nOI&feature=related

OMG

I now have to wear reading glasses. im offically old.

going blading to work off my angst.

Only 11 more trips

In order to make my bike purchase worth the money, i have to go at least 11 more times. Not "I GET to go 11 more times"..hahha...that was really fucking hard. and scary. The meetup said a beginner trip but i had two strikes against me: I've never been mountain biking and i'm completely out of shape.

Me with my bike. course i just got me adn you can't see my brand new bike but i know it's there.

The uphills were BRUTAL. I had to get off my bike a few times becuase i just coudn't do it; not even in first, first gear. And i've learned sand is not my friend. i fishtailed a few times which made me shit my workout pants; but, I also learned if you let off the brake you don't fishtail. of course, that means you go faster but i had to pick the lesser of two evils.

This is the end. We rode the roads back becuase i was so worn out. SORRY PHRED! (he was very very gracious about it and quite a few people wanted to end early anyway) I got a new helmet. a fucking kids helmet becuase my head is so small but i looked like a frickin mushroom in adult helmets. hahahah..i actually look good in this one.



Look how dirty i am!!! HAHHA...right after this pciture i fell. i was hoping my first fall would be epic; maybe a broken bone or two but i fell while STANDING~!

It was a really nice group. and since i'm learning to apply the tools i'm learning I feel happier and I'm more myself so I made myself chat it up with everyone i came in contact with. And everyone was very receptive. I'm proud of myself for going; it wasn't easy for me to do since i've decided to become a hermit. but i'm not comfortable as a hermit and it's very sad for me. I enjoyed getting out, working out and playing nice with others. I am happy I'm looking for things that don't relate to alcohol too which is a very large world for me since basically my triggers are visiting the bar down the street and every bar within a 10 mile radius.

I went to jeannies after and we went to lunch and had some pretty good sushi. Then she talked me in to a pedicure. My chick, Rosie, was totally mean. I think she was pissed becuase she was in the bathroom for so long that i was lamenting and her co-workers started pounding on the door. what the hell was she doing in there anyway!!! She would smack my legs when she wanted me to put it up on the pad and then throw my feet back in the water when she was done. Then i said something to jeannie with the 'f' word in the sentence and she HIT ME! hahah...oh my god it was funny. i tipped her well.

Today is farmer's market and Chalk It Up with Janet. i'm looking forward to it...

new ground

I bought a mountain bike yesterday just to do a ride today. my brother tried to talk me out of it but i gave myself permission to be impulsive. it's better than $400 at thunder valley, right? right.

He (bro) left for new hampshire today. that was supposed to be my trip too but for a myriad of reasons, i cancelled. thank God he understood. One of the main reasons was leaving Kody. he's just too old and i'm afraid leaving him creates enough turmoil in his schedule to make him worse. However, if he's still kicking by next April, he's in shit luck becuase i'm going somewhere by then.

speaking of that....where to go? I want to go to the grand caymans but i think two caribbean vacations in a row is good. unless i go to hawaii which is more hiking and water sports. maybe i'll do that. i would love to see the bamboo forest and kayak around the islands (island?) and do some reef diving only. that deep dive shit is boring and slightly scary but reef diving is like a frickin theater show; one you don't want to leave. and you don't really have to for like over an hour!!

but i was thinking germany too for the oktoberfest. that's a bit past april but hopefully that will be becuase kody is still here. I just think that would be an awesome trip to put under my belt and i did visit Ireland which i'm part of...oh wait. i lived in germany. hahha...but still. like i remember germany as a 6 year old. i'd rather experience it as a true German; drunk & dancey.

my car is about kaput. Chris lent me his car while he is gone because i don't want to get stranded in granite bay on a hot day with a new bike. i guess i should get it all fixed up and drive it another 5 years. the thought of a car payment makes me nauseated. i'd rather save up another 10K and buy one out right. yeah...guess i'll do that.

well. i'm so normal now. BORING! and yet so unbelievably amazing. here's to no broken bones and lost teeth!