Time...time...fuck time

I looked at my face tonight. After I dyed my hair. She. Is. Fucking. Ugly. I'm listening to The Cinematic Orchestra "build a home". I put on an old tank top, worn from over wear...holes, dingy...just like me. But it's comfortable.

I. Am. On. Fire.

I got 3 jobs, man. One will be winding down at the end of october. but i'm pretty grateful that i'm hirable enough to have THREE JOBS! Of course, had i stayed with the state, i wouldn't need 3 jobs, but that ONE job almost killed me. So, not super regretful. It's really fucking hot here BUT it's cold at night and that means the leaves are slooooowly changing colors. Just my most favoritest time of the year. I go back and forth between moving elsewhere but i love to SAY "I live in New England!" I've looked at houses in new york (possibility), houses on the ocean, homes in the woods, etc., I have no idea where I'll end up but anything I do will be great. I'm on fire tonight and i have no idea why. I had a root canal at 7:30am and I suppose the fact that I survived that, the rest of the day was just going to be shiny. I had lots to say but i just bored myself so...byyyyyeeeee!

Truth be told...

...i needed someone to talk to and the only person i felt would fit that mold was my brother. But you weren't there.

Love my anonymity

I used to love posting on Twitter for the anonymity of it all because no one EVER commented on my posts but a.) i forgot my password and b.) i hate elon musk.  i literally have NO ONE to talk to when i'm having serious issues, like right now.  But I know I've made my own bed.  I cut people out of my life, left and right and the few that i have left, are the ones I help. 

So now i'm on the verge of my 2nd nervous breakdown; my skin is erupting like Vesuvius and that means my whole system is out of whack. Physically and mentally.  It started with having to put my pellet stove back together.  The last piece...the LAST piece i knew would be the easiest and final part, was, in fact, complicated.  And that's when the avalanche started.  i have a lead-paint filled house with a legal binder on it, which means no renty, no remodely, no fucking nothing.  I was going to a restaurant today to apply for a job because i'm ready to quit the job i have because I HATE FUCKING WORKING! Not so much "hate" as I just can't fucking do it anymore.  That's why i retired from an unbelievable job at 50; fully medically vested, yes (i'm not stupid) but my salary went from masters degree high to high school drop out low. was it worth it?  can't say 'yes' can't say 'no'.  I was dying psychologically as i had been sloooowly for over 30 years. Millennials today?  So lackadaisical; they don't give a shit about whatever job they got. That would've been me had i been born in 2000.  but i dutifully followed the sheep protocol.  Get a job, work 5 days a week with 2 measly days off, leave your dogs and all your chores and any hopes and dreams behind cuz you gotta work for a fucking living!

I can't even believe i'm still alive, really.  I would most likely be gone if it wasn't for my dogs.  I could never leave them. even for the one prick ass I currently have.  But for certain not the one angel i also have.  what would become of the rest of their lives?  I can't risk that. 

I guess it's the ONE (and only) thing I really do love about myself ...the ability to love all my dogs as if they were the most perfectest of all beings.  In return, they have provided me with the only unconditional love I could've ever imagined.

Everything else?  You can fuck off.

life is hard

Most of the time, i hate myself.  and then SOMETIMES i amaze myself.  It's a conundrum I've lived with for 50 years.  but one thing IS for sure, I took the wrong path in life.  

Whittling Down

I have too much. Not as much as I've had in the past; but, I don't like the feeling of not being able to pick up and leave BECAUSE I have too much.  

Today I am inventorying all my food.  I buy food as though I'm preparing for an apocalypse.  I learned this from my mom.  My sister makes fun of me; but, I notice my brother Eric does the same thing.  So i have created an excel spreadsheet, and I will not allow myself to purchase MORE food until this stuff is gone.  Half of it is expired anyway!  I also have too many disorders.  

R.I.P. Doggy Bloggy

You died in January.  I just found a post on Facebook today.  It was an invitational card to celebrate your life so i thought "oh!  is he head chef somewhere?  did he renew his vows"??? what...WHAT DOES CELEBRATE HIS LIFE MEAN OTHER THAN WHAT IT COULD MEAN??

My alarm was beeping to get my clothes out of the drier...while i was trying to find out what the invite meant.  Easily irritated by repetitive sound, i had to shut it off and get the clothes out anyway.  I was shaky and oddly weirded out.  No.  Really?  No.  It doesn't make sense.  It makes no sense..

And then i found it...the announcement of your passing.

What's weird is i've been thinking a lot about you lately.  Kinda missing you...your random comments; they could be lovely, they could be snarky.  but you never offended me.  never.  Even borderline a'hole, you just never offended me.  Must be the new englander in both of us...

and now you'll never snarkily, lovely comment me again.

R.I.P. DB...xoxo

Yeah

This has to be one of the weirdest lives I've ever lived.  I'm hoping I had way more fun in other times. 

At 47, I feel kinda done.  I've had a lot of fun, raised and loved two AWESOME dogs, realized I'll never pursue my dreams, weeded out my friends, established a permanent family member or two, bought a house, paid my own bills, made pretty good money with only a GED, had lots of boy-love, traveled, met a lot of my own not-necessary needs...so...yeah...i'm kinda done. 

What's weird is at 47 I really shouldn't be done. 

A friend of mine always said he believes we're all born at our 'eternal' age.  His was 47 so he's still in his zone.  mine was 12. or possibly 8.  so I am way past my expiration date.  What do I want to do now?  I have no idea. Nor do I really care. 

At this point of my apathetic, misanthropic life I see a lot of angry, judgmental, passive-aggressive, selfish, self-centered, greedy people. I see tons of dishonesty, self-preservers, finger pointers and justifiers.  Cheaters, liars, deny'rs & desperation.  Disposing, transposing and just posing...predictable sitcoms, movies and plays.  Complaints between political parties about who's right; not about democracy or humane equality. I know I sound pessimistic; but, am I really? 

I, by far, am not perfect...but why am I one of the few people to say that?  I have no problem being judged and allowed to mull over that judgment to see if it's true, necessary and important.  Most people can't STAND to have anyone say "hey...you know what?  that's just not cool" because they go in to instant defense mode and immediately put up their pointer finger to ENSURE you understand that YOURE the problem; not them!

THIS IS OUR SOCIETY!

*warning* horrible segue*

That's why travel is so important.  it opens your eyes to other cultures; I've seen a bit personally in my life but one, from a movie, stands out.  "Beyond Belief".  I saw how those people lived and 52,877,599 words short, I became grateful that I had a flushing toilet.  That I had 1,100 square feet of home all to myself.  That I could make my own money, make my own decisions, live my own life..

but STILL at 47...I think I've done it all.  I've loved, I've laughed, I've traveled, I've fought for animal rights, I've done illegal things, I've held a job, i've donated more than most, I've snowboarded, ive snorted, I've owned a new car, I've seen the red sox win world series - multiple times, I've survived bad relationships, bad movies, bad milk and bad fashions...I think...I think I've done waaaaaaaaaay more than 98% of the population.

I'm pretty good. 

If a miracle comes my way...well...I might make it to 50.

yaya, skinnymaa...

I didn't want to post my progress during another HCG round becuase i can never finish shit.  BUT,
now that i'm done i can say "i'm done". 

I started the diet in December and i was supposed to be done completely by my birthday but of course, true to my nature, i had cheats in between.  BUT, i shan't worry over that and revel in the fact that i've lost 19 pounds and i can see my feet in the shower. 

NOW, the hard part begins.  working out and not going back to old habits.  May the force be with me...

Kody Therapy

Kody is 13 now and although his brain, blood, organs & spirit are all still pretty young; his body is not.

almost 2 months ago, Kody collapsed on his daily walk.  I watched his back feet start to curl under, his legs buckle and his back end go down.  I am not good in bad situations so i just stared at him, not knowing what to do.  I walked in front of him thinking that'll make him get up; nothing.  i walked back to him to love him then walked away again.  he tried...bless his beautiful, obnoxious, funny, charming, perfect heart, he tried; nothing. 

Then i started to cry.  How am i going to get a hundred pound dog back to my house?  i started to knock on the neighbors doors and either no one was home or they looked out the window and thought it best not to answer the door to the crazy crying pink-haired woman in pajamas.  (hahah...i just got a serious image of that)  My favorite neighbor was out of town and he would have stopped part of his world to help me because he is so great.  He has two hunting spaniels - one is on his way out and the other is a year old so we have shared many, many stories about our dogs together.

finally, the other crazy lady in the neighborhood came out and said she would wait with him while i ran to get my car.  i think she scared Kody becuase he struggled and struggled and struggled til he was able to rise.  We made it home but the next day i made Kody's first acupuncture appointment.

Since then, he's had 4.  Last week i took kody to the vet for a leaky man unit and got on the subject of Kody's acupuncture and she was surprised the acu did not take xrays.  So.  I ordered xrays on the spot.  When Dr. True looked at them she said "his hips are remarkable!  they look like hips of a 6 year old!" and his spine and neck weren't much worse.  Goddamn dog makes everything hard.  even his leaky peepee showed no signs of an easy-curable urinary tract infection!  

But now i'm kinda pissed.  He's had 3 acu treatments and she's been treating the wrong area!  at a pretty penny too..i don't mind spending the money as long as it's money well spent.

yesterday he had his 4th acu appt and the dr. that's been seeing him is gone.  Dr. Beebe is the one who's going to be seeing kody and i half undermybreath mention that i'm upset we've been treating the wrong area and, of course, she defended the dr. (very nicely, of course) I did tell her, kody did do really well after the first treatment but then...i noticed no difference after the next two.

After 10 minutes of chatting, she made Kody get up so she could watch him walk and within 20 seconds she rattled off a myriad of issues she saw in him and verified those issues when she looked at the xrays.  Then, no longer under my breath, because now i AM pissed, i said "you look at him for SECONDS, identify all his problems and i've been coming here for over a month with the last lady and it looks like she had no idea what she was doing... i am pissed!"

so we picked out the treatment Kody should be on (read: time for a 2nd job) and she finished our visit out with acupuncture to deal directly with his painful spine & neck & elbows & floating knee & leaky peepee & surprise (everytime) bowels & didn't charge me a dime.

Kody starts his treatment Friday and she squeezed him in becuase she won't be able to see him the following christmas week so i'm going to bring her lunch from the co-op (she's a hippy right?  eastern medicine?  yeah...i think i'm right) and my credit card....I'm a gonna need it....


(good sign that the model on the research i was doing is Kody's twin!)

work

I was having a lot of problems at work that started August 2nd. Sparing myself from reliving that, I’ll just say it was horrible. I felt crazy and completely unsupported by management. I would have thought it was all my fault had I not had the support of the infrastructure unit and the manager that fought like hell to get me over in their group.

Very validating.

On the day I like to refer to as Black Friday, I emailed said Infrastructure manager and asked him if I should file a hostile work environment. Now, this is the guy that supported me for MONTHS during this dreadful time. His response was “do you really want to be known as the one who files a hostile work environment? Do you want to be known as Angry Tanya or Frustrated Tanya or no one wants to work with you because you might get upset?!” I just stared at the instant message dumbfounded. Really? REALLY?? I’ve worked for the state for 20 years! Do you know how many hostile work environments I’ve filed?? ZERO! That’s how many. I left the building to take in some fresh air and my walk was in a cloud. I felt fuzzy. I had 3 months of this shit and now it’s seeping in to the ‘good guys’.

When I got back, the CIO called me in to his office and his first statement was “I really don’t have time for all this drama.” Dumbfounded. Again. I wondered if I was Jack the Ripper and just didn’t see it? After about 10 minutes of talking he told me ‘effective immediately I’m putting you under Mary Smith* in Project Management’. And that’s when I just put my head down and cried. Project Management? You might as well just make me a secretary! I was pissed that I was the one being removed from a job that I loved and stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be because management would not address the real asshole. And she was never held accountable for her actions. I was the one being punished. I emailed the CIO half hour later and told him I was going home because I just could NOT stop crying.

One month later, I am dumbfounded yet again. I adore my new boss. She is smart, articulate, calm, appreciative and she is doing her best to make sure I’m happy in this job. I told her when I was assigned to her that I was sorry. Sorry that she had no choice in taking the ‘problem child’ on to her team and that I would really try to make sure she didn’t regret that. She asked me to send her a list of my strengths and weaknesses. I decided I was not going to be phony and tell her exactly what my strengths and weaknesses were:

Strengths:

Resourceful

Hard working

Able to work with all types of personalities (well, not all)

Have a fair amount of common sense

Intuitive & Insightful

Able to work & maintain multiple projects

Always open to any assignment; I never say ‘no’ (in this case, eventually)

Weaknesses:

Have too high expectations of those around me and of myself

Don’t like working in a cube

Impatient & Impulsive

Long story, medium she thanked me for that and said she would try to accommodate me. And she has. I am now the trainer for my department which will involve traveling and meeting new people constantly. And since I am brilliant with superficial relationships, I will shine.

She gave me an assignment that involved creating a newsletter announcing our new password policy. I worked on it last weekend and submitted it yesterday. The CIO left a copy of it on my desk with a note that said “Best thing I’ve seen in a long time”. That’s the same CIO that told me he didn’t have time for this drama. The same CIO that put me in a group I thought I would hate. But that CIO knew more than I did. He knew I would fit in to this team and he knew I would love my new boss. He knew so much that he told me if, after 3 months, I’m still unhappy he will GIVE me a hundred bucks.

I am high right now. I am appreciated, supported and encouraged. I like my job. I don’t feel compelled to call in sick and I would never do anything behind Mary’s back, like sneaking out early : ). She lets me be me and she makes no attempt to ‘reel me in’. To have a great manager like that is exactly what I needed.


Jamie. You can keep your hundred bucks.

ahh...doesn't life just keep going on?

About a year ago I remembered this story my co-worker, Dick*, told me as we were walking back from lunch.  He had heard about this young man, who, as a statistical major, sat down and charted out his life.  He charted his life from the beginning, to where he was then to where he projected he was going to be in the future and decided, based on the graphed information in front of him, that life would not be worth living.  So he killed himself.

Wow.

Today at work, Dick and Ajax* were salivating over this girl in our building that had, out-of-nowhere, friended Dick on Facebook.  We all knew what that meant.  As both of them were giggling at the excitement of the new prospect and in between my witty retorts and self-justification, I found myself, predictably, sliding downward.  No idea where I was going but I’m familiar with that path anyway.  In her defense, she is beautiful.  She’s about 5’7, waist-length dark brown hair, fair skin, dark doe eyes, size 5ish…and she carries herself almost Audrey Hepburn style.  No airs; just completely comfortable in her own skin (strictly my observation).  I tried to quietly console myself that there’s no way I can, anymore, compete with a 28/29 year old chick, so it’s okay.  Til I found out she’s 40. 

I was jealous.  Jealous of her beauty, her elegance, her style, her magneticism…and then compared her traits to mine:  my shitty hair, my loss of elasticity, my burp-words, the lingering, stale smoke on my clothes,  stiff in most places and still 5 months pregnant.  Jesus!  How long have I been that way?

And ‘true’ to myself I answered:  ‘You’ve been this way a long time.  You try and try and try and try and try and try to change; but, you never do.’  But I do try.  I really DO try to change.  I just seem to always fall.  But, I get up and I vow that “this time it WILL be different.”  But it never is. 

So the story that Dick told me eventually made its way back in to my mind tonight and I had a better understanding of the young, statistical mans conclusion.  But I also had some questions.  I’m 46.  I KNOW life is hard but, at a younger age, I always thought it would get better.  How did he know his would not?  Was he well educated?  Did he come from a good family?  Did he come from a big family?  Did he live in the city or in a small town?  Was he an alcoholic?  Were his parents?   Did he see traits in himself that he knew would only get worse?  Was he worried about finding ‘the one’ or realizing there’s a possibility that might not happen?  And if it did, will it end in hot-poker-in-the-eye searing pain?  Jobs?  Money?  Children? Illness?  Foreclosures?  Hm?  Maybe he pondered about the laws of the universe.  Like the law of gravity.  There is NO doubt that the law of gravity is true; but, what about Karma?  Did he wonder that even if he did the best he could, gave it all he had and life still sucked…well…where would he be then?   What about God?  Did he wonder was there an end to his mean? Or could it possibly all be for nothing?

Then again, maybe he suffered from undiagnosed depression.   In my opinion, depression is probably one of the worst afflictions bestowed upon man because it haunts you; it teases you…it toys with your very existence.  And once in a while, it chooses to rip your soul out and then slyfully brings it back to you so you can enjoy the same game again, surprisingly unbeknownst to you.  Some days you can feel really good; but, on the days you feel really bad, it’s like the good days never existed.   

You know what I think the answer is?  It’s love.  It’s to love, to be loved, to be IN love, to fight for love because of that love.  If ever I thought there was a law of nature so true and so exact, it would be love.  Love is so powerful, so palatable; it’s undeniable.

And, honestly, if you don’t have love in your life, it’s really, quite simply…a life not worth living. 

*Names changed to protect those that hate when I tell stories about them

Hyper Bowl

I found a site yesterday that i had completely forgotten about.  I love this site for two reasons, one - it's hilarious and two - it reminds me of one of my favoritest people.

and this is the exact url of that site i found...years ago:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dogs-dont-understand-basic-concepts.html

I ran over to Christina (our student at work) to share; I knew she'd love it because we have a similar style of humor.  Oh that, and she really is an amazing person; she's funny, smart, articulate, clever, intelligent and veeery slightly caustic (i like to think I imparted a bit of that to her).

"You have to check out this site; it's hilarious.....'it's (and i'll repeat phonetically) hyper-bowl-andahalfdotblogspotdotcom'.  she immediately stopped typing and whipped her head towards me and said "what did you say??"  My brain flooded with thoughts, did i just call her a raving stupid douchebag when i thought i gave her a blog address?  did i insult her mother? her father? the dog?  Whatever it was, I knew i had said something really lame; but, and this is rare, i'm not ALWAYS super-smart so I repeated myself.  This time with not as much gusto..."hy per..uh..bowl and a ha....."

"It's hyPUUUURRboLEE...."  Right.  It's so rare that I make grammatical errors in my speech since English was my only straight A class; but, when i do, i remember them like a traumatic childhood experience...hypuuuuurrrbolee.  I've heard of that before too; just never seen it in print.  and to this day i don't even know what it means; but if i ever need to say it, i now say it with pride.

file hyperbole along with:
segue
colonel
mural (NOT muriel)
awry
draught

Well now...

My waaay too tight pants are falling off.  if it wasn't for peanut butter, i'd be at my goal weight.

Rut Slut

I did that HCG diet for a little over two weeks cheating all the way.  hahahah...i just can't kid myself anymore.  BUT oddly enough it did get me off the booze train that i had grown comfortable on.  i drank once in the last 3 weeks and i'm pretty sure i can go another 3 weeks without it.  i forget the horrific hangovers you get when you're on low-carb (on low-carb instead)

My brothers came over last night and i made them a fabulous dinner.  we were supposed to go to a play in Fair Oaks but i was feeling tired and shitty so we watched The 20 Most Shocking Videos on TruTV.  They hate that shit but, funnily enough, they stayed for 3 episodes of it.  White trashy addicting.

Kody's good.  I took him to work with me yesterday while i moved my cube from Hell to Heaven.  I thought he'd be happier being there with me but he was afriad to be alone on the big dark floor and he was panting pretty badly.  I finally got him to sit down after I could sit down in my new cube an unpack.  and, the good boy that he is, he pooped RIGHT where i'd see it so i could clean it up and none would be the wiser.

Gotta get my old car smogged today.  costed me $500 to get rid of that check engine light to GET it smogged so i'm writing all that off.  I will!

Someone at work about shit his pants when i told him i was 46.  he stared at me the entire time i was in his cube, making comments every once in  awhile how he doesn't believe me.  it has to be the pink hair...makes me look a decade younger and two decades hotter.

I funny...

I don't know WHY i have not been married at least seven times...I'm that funny.  (only in short term...hence the number 7)

I bought my boys at work calendars for the year 2012.  I bought Drew a sportsy type calendar and Nick, as a joke, a kitten calendar.  I went in his cube about 2 weeks ago and he was still on July so I told him "Hey!  You're a month behind..."  He said he knew but he just felt uncomfortable with the August picture.  When i looked at it, i howled...I just told him i hoped it was at least a female kitty.

I went in to work today to finish a joke we were talking about; but, decided to add a message for Nick for Monday morning....

On to the joke.  I got this idea from Tim Lacy who used to work with all women and made the brilliant decision to track their cycles so he could understand why some of them were bitchy at certain times.  Of course, I'm not just bitchy then, i'm bitchy for lots of reasons so Nick and I discussed the fact that I needed more colors.

So I made his colors for him and took the liberty of starting out his calendar for training purposes.

Add caption

This is August...I won't be hungover because i'm on a special diet, which makes me cranky.



And this is September...a few added hungover days (start of the football season, Yom Kippur)

Hahahahah...i love me sometimes.  I just wish his calendar was alway color-free but then again, that wouldn't be me....

ok...

...no coffee for 26 more days becuase drinking black coffee is like drinking liquid poo.

and i just barfed drinking iced tea because you can't drink iced tea on an empty stomach.  changed my mind...it's gonna be a looooooooooooooooooong 26 days.

HCG - LAST TIME!

Man. I gotta say. I feel incredibly awesome. I went on a very strange and apathetic drinking binge for a good 3 months. I knew I needed to get my shit together but I literally had no reason to do so. Not that myself isn’t a good enough reason, but I also was just having a bit of fun.


So driving to Tallac last Wednesday, it just popped in my head: HCG. Of course I’ve thought about it a few times but p’shawed it because that’s a hard diet and I’ve done it FIVE TIMES before. But for some reason, Wednesday it clicked and clicked good.

The more I thought about it the more I said ‘yes…that will be my motivation.’ So I faxed my blood work over to the clinic the next morning and told her to hurry up and make my appt because I’m fat (not AS fat as I’ve gotten before..GOD…who WAS I?) and she got me in that afternoon. Which was perfect because I got to load Friday and Saturday. Unfortunately, I have been sick so I couldn’t do one last hurrah but I’ve had so many last hurrahs, I wasn’t too bothered by it.

I’m on my 3rd low cal day and I don’t look at this diet the same way I had before. Dreading how much longer I have to go and deeming it near impossible. Now I’m like “Hm…I only have 27 more days to go!” Even when I thought about my delicious, buttery cashews in my cabinet, it was a solid non-fighty ‘no way’…not blowing this round this time because I’m not doing it again.

I’m not even using cream in my coffee…THAT’S how serious I am.

One last round

I'm so unmotivated, i have no drive and no reason to get in shape. i know you think "hey! how about yourself as a reason?"  well that doesn't work for me.

So i decided to do another round of hcg.  and not the internet kind where i lose weight but it's a weird weight loss but a $450 weight loss.  i'm hoping that will motivate me to actually stick to something. 

we'll see....so much other stuff going on at work but because of that so much going on, i'm tired. 

weird week

Tuesday.  Best lunch ever.  In hindsight, minus the company.  Wednesday...getting sick - Thursday, Friday very sick.  And work for the first time in like, ever, we're swamped.  I used to have zero problem calling in sick becuase half a monkey could run that help desk.  But now, we've got better players and big projects so on top of feeling sick, i felt guilty. 

Yesterday Rich, our bartender, texts me that they found Dan dead in his apartment.  DAN!  I've played pool & darts with him a million times, had some deep drunken converstaions with him over the years, he even bathed my dog while i was in Key West!...he was 51...  It's just such a weird feeling...

Today i'm going to rest again since i'm feeling better but tomorrow is massive chore day and farmer;s market day.  i better feel good.