Dreams

I love my dreams. If I wrote a song, it would be titled "I just want to die in to my dreams". ain't that poetic? They're so real, vivid and happy. This morning I was married and in love. I'm glad I get those...it helps.

I just made some zucchini bread from Paula Dean's recipe. you can't go wrong with her shit...she's awesome.

I'm going to the spiritual center store today to see if i can find some books or cd's on meditating. i have GOT to get in to meditating. i know that is my only answer. I avoid things that might help and embrace things that hinder. It's my nature. But i've got to change that path. I'm killing myself slowly. That's an awful way to die.

My transmission is going out on my car. At first, i cared; now i don't. I can pretty much live without a car minus needing to take Kody anywhere. which is quite frequent. i wish his ass wasn't so big becuase i could use the trailer i made for him to take him places. maybe i'll just build another trailer that he actually fits in.

It's going to be hot all week. yuk.

: (

Well that movie was awesome AND sad. Sad that now 7 years of my life is over.

Those movies are never long enough for me either. I had to pee 1.5 hours in but i didn't care. nor did it hurt. I was so focused...on the coolness of the 3D and just the coolness of the movie, period.

and on a greater note, Jeannie said she couldn't stop staring at my boobs. hahaha...only ONE benefit to being "slightly" overweight.

Goodbye, Pottah...thanks for everything. Thanks for the moments I've gotten lost with not a care in the world. Thanks for transcending us to another universe...Thanks for the many times you've given us to look forward to and thanks for the magic, both in and out of the theater.


GAY!

Home again... : (

i just searched for properties in south lake tahoe because i wanna move there. I absolutely love it there. my brother says "hell no!" because it's too snowy but he also does not like dogs so we do have different tastes. radically different. Two days up there was absolutely not enough.

The ride up was gorgeous and we did our usual stop at Strawberry Lodge to have our first cocktail. (Normally we stop at St. Pauli Girl Inn but they've been closed for 2 years for renovations.) We always walk down to the river and finish our drink down there becuase it's breath taking.

After that we headed to our timeshare which is BEAUTIFUL! I got the master bed & bath since we were using my points and Janet and Dena got the slaves quarters. Felt kinda odd being the master but i quickly adjusted.

Our view: (see the lake?? yeah...it's there)

we hung out and played pool, drank and unpacked. Then, much to Dena's dismay, Janet and I decided tonoight would be our gambling night. Dena ended up having a great time because she always seems to meet someone hot and hang with them all night.

We gambled til 3am and i left with $20 more dollars than i went in with which is pretty dang good for 10 hours of gambling. i was down most of the time but right before we left i won $200.

Duh! winning!

the next day we walked to sprouts which was a helluva lot longer than i thought it'd be but it was a beautiful day so it mattered not.

On the walk back we did a little shopping and walked back through the neighborhoods behind the casinos...When we got home, Dena and i were pretty much done for the day; but, not Janet! She said she was gonna go to Lakeside for "a few hours" and to call her if we decided to do anything later. Since we were in our PJ's i was pretty sure this was it for the night. And it was. We watched "I love you, Phillip Morris" which was a brilliant love story with brilliant acting by Carey and McGregor. cannot BELIEVE it only got a 70% on RT. Critics know nothing. or they're simply homophobic. This movie was not about gayness; it really was a believable love story.

We were in bed by 9. Still no Janet.

at 5:30am, Dena woke me up to tell me Janet had not come home at all. I was a little worried but after a text of where the hell are you! she texted back that she was at "Harveys!!" like she was in "St. Maarten!!" hahah...

She got home at the last minute in time for us to get on the raod so we could be back in sac by 10.

And here i sit. Another weird beach-type weather day, watching my tomatoes cry at the cold weather. I think that's the secret. if you don't want a hot summer, call me up and i'll plant tomatoes.

I'm planning a trip to DeYoung in SF to see the Picasso exhibit. I'd rather it be a Van Gogh exhibit but these still are original pieces and that's gotta be cool.

aaaaaaaah...

in tahoe....i just love it here....

wow

what a great, interesting day. I can't talk much about it since it will be a pending case but i did find myself very much attracted to this kinda lifestlye. although it was hard to see how these animals lived, i knew, at this point, there misery was over. and i was there to help them cross over in to a better life.

yeah...that was good.

Here's to MEDIOCRITY!!!

Yesterday, I took Kody for a long walk in the Arden Park area. It's probably one of the lovliests of neighborhoods in this city; with an equal amount of old and new mansions and all with the most beautiful landscapes like ever. And we're not talking your typical Californian manicured lawn with not a leaf out of place, we're talking huge trees and wildflowers, carefully framed with stone fences or rustic wooden ones...trees that drape already shaded lawns; but, that create that awesome energetic feeling when it's green upon green upon green. The smells were so clean, the air was cool and I was listening to some awesome "coldplay"ish type music which, the combo of all senses, invokes that feeling that i'm just missing something. and something huge.

As tears built up in my eyes, I realized i'm just fooling myself. I'll never live in a house like that. I'll never leave my state job. I actually easily pictured myself retiring from that state job at 72 and dying at my retirement party. probably from drunken induced heart attack. Alone. With my dogs ashes on my fireplace; the only love I've really ever known. and revirginized due to the lack of good lovin' from a man over a period of 30 years.

God. I'm like my mother. I'm going to die like my mother! minus the drunk part. and the working part.

As sad as this all sounds, i'm a bit relieved. I no longer have to pray, pray, PRAY for a better life...and I no longer have to suffer the crushing defeat and realization that, once again, I shan't have these things. Hey! I no longer have to diet! The only pathetic part is i have to order larger pajama jeans!

So where does this leave me now? Well the same fucking place i was 30 years ago. and 20 years ago. and 10 years ago. and last week ago. who knew i was just average? I seem to be the last one to find this out...

Wow. My life is completely average trickled with unbelievable fun, like my Key West trip in August. And I do those things, even though i don't like traveling and, for this trip, am scared of traveling alone, to give my life that FEELING that I'm rich.

*sigh* Today I am on a rescue mission to rescue animals that have been neglected and mistreated. And in that moment, I will be happy. In that moment, I will be outside my lame-ass self and will be busy helping entities even less fortunate than myself. Weird. Something that sad will bring me joy.

Man my world is fucked up.

I 'tupid

I posted an ad on craigslist asking for a million dollars. Before i posted it i thought "jesus. this is stupid!" then i searched "I want a million dollars" and found a guy who posted a youtube video asking for a million dollars and he got it!!! WTH?? what's with all these people stealing my ideas and not giving me credit. From Chelsea Handler to maxi-pads with wings! MY IDEAS!

I did meet two people from my posts so that's kinda fun. neither are millionaires so they missed the point but they're from new england and that's kinda cool too.

Now my juices runneth over becuase i'm on fire with ideas. I can't tell you here becuase of all the millions that read my blog, someone will beat me to it. Like Jenny McCarthy did. Bitch!

Kody has now begun to poop in my house, my car and near Janet's pool. This is the beginning of the end. he's either going to die in the next few months or linger for 7 more years. I'm not sure which will be more devastating. I will put him in a pooped-bag wheel chair if i have to, folks. i love him THAT much.

Tuesday, I'm joining a rescue organization to rescue neglected goats, pigs & dogs. As sad as that scene is I know i'm giong to feel awesome helping. And if a goat kicks me right in the face, I will still feel more joy than my best day in a cube.

Going to tahoe on Wednesday for two days. I think that's also gonna be a good move...

Really?

I've been off 19 days and i'm no closer to figuring out what the fuck i'm going to do with myself. I was doing super-ass good with working out and now i've fallen back in to the pattern of taking more days off from exercise than on. And now i'm starting to fret that my time off is running out and soon i'll be back to work and the whole fucking process will start over.

Meanwhile, Casey Anthony, young & gorgeous, gets away with murder and will soon be a millionaire. I work and work and work, I try to do the right thing, I try not to murder people and this is my reward? And i'm jealous of a child-murderer???

What is the answer? WHAT IS THE FUCKING ANSWER?

Addendum: (is that the right word to add add'l info?)

I feel a bit better. Just had a flurry of things to book: going to tahoe on the 13th and 14th and I used a good amount of my points to get a super nice room. Booked our fair date and our harry potter too. had to reschedule a test becuase of tahoe but i decided to reschedule only one and just be back in town by 10am to take the other two.

yeah...i feel a bit better... : )

p.s. I am aware that I lament a lot. But that's the beauty of being me. mostly depressed followed by wild amounts of hugely good times. What would make me 95% happy all the time? a million dollars. I wish i was closer to my uncle...THANKS MOM!

Work day today

I'm volunteering at the animal protection institute today. Funny. I'm doing all i can to get away from being in the office and yet i volunteer for an office day. Thats okay though becuase at least it's for a good cause. And maybe they'll offer me a job of traveling all over the world to fight for animal rights. yeah baby!

I wanna go camping. i think i might drive up to tahoe tomorrow morning and see if i can find just one campground site for the night. Kody would like that.

July 5th

I thought i'd be happy the trial was over; but, i'm sad. NOW what do I do all day? Guess it's time to face myself. yuk.

I did make myself get up and run this morning. not an easy run but i ran 33 minutes. i add the 3 becuase every minute, for me, counts. it's already hot and it's only 8:30. I have many odds & ends to do today so it'll be a busy day. i love my days but don't love my nights. they're long and kinda lonely. i should do some meetup groups but i'm never social anymore. I think I need a change of scenery. Maybe i'll book a weekend in Tahoe with my timeshare. and since i already booked a vacation that only costed me a thousand points, i'll use my other four thousand for a penthouse. Just wish i could sneak Kody in...i HATE leaving him for any period of time right now since he's aging by the day.

I am going to the animal protection institute Thursday to volunteer for office work. ironic: doing all i can to get AWAY from office work and then i volunteer for it....

jesus. what a bunch of short sentences. i must be thinking choppy. guess i'll move right now...don't want to but as soon as i move, things get easier.

son of a BITCH!

I can't run today!!! I had a medical procedure yesterday and i'm not allowed to do any exercise for 48 hours!!!! i am so pissed! (i know that sounds very funny coming from me but i really was looking forward to that race) I'm going to go anyway and get my shirt so people will think I ran. then after 48 hours, i'm running that track 3 times by myself.

wow. look at me. angry that i cannot run today. i'm falling in love....

p.s. you know what? i'm going to walk it. I have to record my time but it will be lame. i'll still run it next week; but, i must be DOCUMENTED!

i'm NERVOUS!

i dont really like taking tests and i always think i'm so smart. but now this will be proof as to whether I am or not. my stomach has butterflies. i hope i can cheat because that's kinda smart too, right?

it's going to be a thousand degrees for the next week. think i'll go to tahoe.

addendum: I am stupid.